


Popsicle Sticks

by Emmamama88



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-18
Updated: 2013-07-28
Packaged: 2017-11-08 01:01:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 87,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/437409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emmamama88/pseuds/Emmamama88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger', at least that's what they say. Bella and Edward meet as children while on vacation with their families. A lifetime of summers follow, and their relationship is tested beyond its strength. Follow their story through the years as they come to learn that each day spent with someone we love is a gift not to be taken lightly, but to be cherished forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer- Stephenie still owns the usual suspects.  
> I own my original characters and original story.
> 
> *My new story…hope you like it. Many thanks to aurellacullen & pixiekat7 for taking the time to help make this chapter purty. Ladies..Mwah!

 

**Prologue-Popsicle Sticks**

_I was unconscious, half asleep  
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep  
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall  
It's a long way down to nothing at all_

_-U2 Stuck in a Moment_

 

I felt nothing as I floated. I knew that I wasn't asleep because there were no dreams.

Only darkness.

It was as if I temporarily existed in a void, leaving me sensory deprived, and isolated from all memories, especially those which would bring sorrow or pain.

Briefly, I wondered if this is how it felt to be dead. No physical pain, no feeling of hot or cold, no emotions, no memories, no gnawing worries, no matters demanding attention, no concept of time, no sound of life, not even the sound of one's own breaths.

Silence.

And with it numbness.

Everything in me wanted to embrace the nothingness and have it pull me farther down into the abyss.

 _Maybe_ , my brain reasoned, _just maybe, if it carried me far enough away, I wouldn't have to face what was coming. I couldn't quite remember what that was, but I knew that it was bad._

_Horrific._

_The stuff of my worst nightmares._

I had no idea how much time passed as I pondered this and allowed myself to be swept further and further away from consciousness into sweet oblivion.

There I existed for a time but, as with everything in life, it didn't last. Soon, much too soon, I began to become aware of sounds in the darkness around me.

At first, it was difficult to discern exactly what I was hearing, but then as the sounds grew steadily louder, my mind registered that I was hearing the hiss of whispered voices.

The fog was beginning to subside and the outside world was starting to make itself known.

_No, please._

_Let me stay here where it's safe just a little longer._

I started to make out bits of the whispered conversations in the darkness around me.

_'been out quite a while now'_

_'suffered a terrible shock…'_

_'… sedate her'_

_'help her to sleep'_

_'….safe….. '_

_'Her Mom's on her way'_

_'We love her too Charlie…'_

Charlie? My Dad was here?

At the thought of my Dad, I felt myself relax again. My Dad would take care of me.

My Dad would never leave me.

Unhappy memories came then, unbidden to my mind, making my heart ache.

My Mother leaving….

At the memory, I wanted to curl into the fetal position and cry just as I did then, not understanding her reasoning any more today than I did at the time. 'She had to leave _us_ in order to find _herself_.'

The next flood of memories were even more difficult. _He'd_ been an integral part of my life for more years than my own mother had been. There was even a time when he was my future…

In the wake of his departure, my heart was left torn and bleeding.

It shouldn't have mattered as much as it did.

It shouldn't have hurt as much as it did.

It shouldn't have changed me as much as it did.

To be honest, by the time he left, he'd become someone I barely knew any more, possessing no recognizable qualities of the boy I'd loved for most of my life.

It was best to forget him, but I knew I never would.

And now I'd been left again. My heart felt like a dead weight in my chest as the events of earlier today came flooding back.

Esme's distraught expression as she spoke the words I couldn't comprehend. I remembered shaking my head as I'd challenged the impossibility of what she was telling me.

There had to be some sort of mistake…

Fate wouldn't be this cruel would it?

_Impossible_

I sat numbly as Alice wrapped her arms around me in an effort to comfort, never realizing that I was there in body only.

I felt nothing, my mind a blank. When I went to stand, my legs gave way, and the next thing I knew, the floor was coming up to meet me.

I remembered Carlisle carrying me after I collapsed. The soft feel of Alice's bed under my hands. The sting of a needle, entering into my arm. Esme's hand running comfortingly through my hair as she kissed my forehead and spoke softly into my ear.

And then, the blackness had taken me.

_'Services to be arranged'_

My mother's voice was unexpected. Either I was dreaming, or I was beginning to wake up.

_'What the hell Renee?'_

Dad sounded angry.

_'Renee, I don't think we should speak of that in this room. We don't know how much she can hear…'_

Esme's voice calmed me.

_'Bells honey, I don't know if you can hear me, but I'll be here when you wake up'_

My Dad sounded as if he'd been crying.

I didn't like it.

He was the strongest person I knew.

I let myself slip back into the nothingness. Having to face things would be difficult enough, but now with my mother here….

I never wanted to wake up.

Time passed.

The hushed murmur of voices continued now and then. I sensed that I was never completely alone in the room.

' _You should rest. I'll stay.'_

This voice jarred me, and I almost opened my eyes to prove to myself that hearing it had been a dream.

When I heard him sigh before shifting in his chair, I almost stopped breathing.

When I felt his hand cover mine, it took every ounce of strength in me to keep from pulling away.

 _'Oh Bella.'_ The voice said with a defeated sigh. _'I don't know if you can hear me, but I want you to know that I'm here. I meant what I said before.'_

_'I'm so very sorry. Sorry for what's happened. Sorry for your pain. Sorry for the pain that I caused.'_

_'Sorrier than you will ever know….'_

I felt his lips press against the hand that he held.

The voice was the one I remembered. The voice of my friend. The voice I'd missed for so many years…

At that moment, I knew that the sound of that voice was the only thing that could pull me from my safe haven of forgetfulness.

I had to know if it was real.

I had to prove that my mind wasn't just playing some cruel joke on me.

I could feel the warm hands still cradling mine.

I turned my head slightly in the direction of the voice and slowly opened my eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *F.Y.I. the misspellings are on purpose; emulating the mind and speech patterns of Bella at age five.
> 
> Again, thanks to aurellacullen and pixiekat7 for their help with this chapter. You ladies are the best!
> 
> *Enjoy

**\- Present Day -**

I slipped silently from the bedroom, keeping my tread as light as possible as I made my way to the kitchen. Mercifully, I'd remembered to set the coffee maker the night before.

With a hot just-brewed mug in my hand, I slid open the patio door, and took a seat on one of the old wooden deck chairs. I sipped at my coffee, relishing the taste of my first and only cup of the day, while gazing across the inlet to where the sun was just beginning to rise above the distant horizon.

After a time, I wasn't surprised to hear movement inside the house. The sound of two small feet as they padded down the hall in search of me caused me to smile. I heard them make their way into the kitchen and dining area, before their owner obviously spied the open glass door in the great room, and tromped through it, and over to where I sat.

"Mama, was you hidin' from me?"

I set my coffee down and laughed lightly as I pulled my child into my lap, "Now why would I hide from you?" I said as I ran my fingers through a head of messy hair, and kissed a little sleep-creased cheek. "I was watching the sun come up." I said as I gestured to the bright glow beyond the trees. "But you were a sleepyhead and missed it."

There was a frown on the face of my angel. "Can you wake me up amorrow so I can see the sun?"

I smiled. "Okay, if Mama is awake, I'll wake you too."

That seemed to satisfy my little darling. "Mama, when can I see my Daddy again?"

And there it was; the question posed to me at least twice a day, every day.

I sighed. "Sweetheart, we talked about this. You will see Daddy this weekend. That's three days from now." I said as I held up three fingers.

"Fwee?" My cherub's face lit up with understanding. "That's how old I am!"

I laughed. "Yes, but you're three _years_ , you will see Daddy in three _days_."

We once again grew silent as I looked out at the inlet and thought about the summer I'd first gazed upon that water.

It seemed so long ago now….

At the time, I wasn't much older than the toddler who was now nodding off on my lap.

**-Summer—Bella, Age 5 years…**

I didn't like the lady with the red fingernails. She smiled too much, and she laughed a lot. Mama and Daddy didn't laugh at her jokes. They just smiled. Daddy smiled the same way he did when our neighbor Mr. Morris asked to borrow his tools.

After Mr. Morris left, Daddy always called him a _moocher_. I didn't know what that was, but I didn't think it was good.

When the lady with the red fingernails got here, she tried to touch my face. I hid behind my Daddy. That was the first time she laughed.

_She was scary_

She pulled some papers out of her bag and put 'em on the table, and then the grown-ups sat down to talk about borin' stuff.

Before the lady came, Daddy told me I couldn't watch television until she left, and he promised we'd go to the beach later.

I really wanted later to be now.

I looked at the creepy lady one more time before sneakin' down the hall to my room. I went to the closet and pulled my colorin' book and crayons from my backpack.

I had just finished colorin' the evil queen's fingernails with the reddest crayon in my box, when I heard some noise outside. I climbed off my bed and lifted the curtain to see.

I thought it was the witch lady leavin', but it was somethin' else.

Somethin' better.

The big house next door was empty when we got here and none of the other houses around ours had kids. Mama said maybe some kids would move into the big house.

She was right.

There was a white van in the driveway and I was smilin' 'cause there was a whole family takin' stuff out of it and carryin' it into that big house. There was a Mama and a Daddy and three kids. I wondered if they were nice, or mean like Monica and her brother on my school bus.

The Mama, Daddy and a girl were smilin' and laughin' while they watched a big boy run after a little one.

They seemed nice, and I really wanted friends.

I was bitin' my lip. Mama always told me not to, but I always did it when I was scared, like when the stores put up the Halloween decorations. I didn't tell Mama I was scared, I just held her hand, bit my lip, and sometimes closed my eyes.

I picked up my favorite bear, and walked onto the back porch, so I could watch the family.

It only took a minute for the girl to see me. She ran over to my porch smilin'.

"Hi, I'm Alice. What's your name?" She sounded like she was singin' when she talked. It was pretty.

"I'm Bella." My voice wasn't pretty.

"How old are you Bella?"

"I'll be six years old next month." I smiled. I was proud 'cause I knew my birthday now.

"Well, I'm going to be six next week," Alice answered before comin' up to me and grabbin' my hand. "That means I'm the leader because I'm older. Come on, you can be my new best friend."

I nodded and followed her. I wanted Alice to be my friend.

Alice pulled me into the house. "Mommy and Daddy, this is Bella, she's almost six and she's my new best friend."

Alice's Mama and Daddy were puttin' away the groceries. They looked at me and Alice and started to laugh. "Well hello Bella, I'm Alice's mommy, Mrs. Cullen, and this is her daddy Dr. Cullen."

I bit my lip again. I didn't like doctors. Every time Mama took me to the doctor, I got _shot_. "Hi," I whispered.

Alice pulled me into the livin' room where the two boys from earlier were sittin' on the sofa watchin' cartoons. "Boys, this is my new friend Bella."

The oldest boy looked at me with big green eyes and stood up. "Hi Bella. I'm Edward. I'm seven." He held out his hand.

I frowned and stared at it. Did he want me to shake it?

I guessed so; so I did.

His hand was warm. It felt nice.

I looked at his face and he smiled. Some of his baby teeth were gone, and his grown-up teeth were comin' in.

He had a nice smile.

I liked his hair too. It was brown and the color of a penny mixed together. Alice's mama and little brother had the same kind of hair. Alice just had brown hair like me and her dad.

"Bella, this is my little brother Daniel," Alice pointed to the little boy still sittin' on the sofa grinnin'. "Daniel, say hi to Bella."

"Hi Bewwa," he smiled again. I giggled.

I played with Alice until it was time to go to the beach. She asked her mama and daddy if they could go too so that we could play together, and they said yes. Alice's family followed us in their van.

"Bella baby, we have to tell you something exciting." Mama said as we rode to the beach.

She smiled a big smile.

My favorite Mama smile.

"Daddy and I just bought the cottage. The lady you met this morning made all the arrangements. It's _our_ house now."

Mama and Daddy looked happy, but I was not. "But.." I tried not to cry. "But why do we have to move? I like the other house. And all my toys are there…"

'Cause even though I liked Alice, I knew she was goin' home after summer, and I would be here all alone.

"Sweetie no, don't cry!" Mama was wavin' her hands at me from the front seat. "We're not moving Bella. This is a vacation cottage. We'll come here during the summer, and rent it to other families the rest of the time."

"Oh."

I thought about our pretty cottage, and I was happy we could keep it. But then I thought about the other stuff Mama said. I decided I better not bring my favorite toys here anymore 'cause those kids from _other families_ might get 'em.

"Does Alice's family own that big house?" I asked when I thought about the giant house she was stayin' in.

"I would assume so honey. I think they had it specially built and don't plan to rent it out. That's what the realtor said anyway."

"What's a reel a terd?" I asked.

Daddy laughed. "It's _realtor_. That's what they call someone who sells houses Bells, like the lady who visited this morning."

"Oh."

******P*S******

"How many days have you been here Bella?" Alice asked as we worked on our sandcastle.

"Three."

"Have you seen any ponies out here?"

"Me and Daddy seened some yesterday standin' in the trees way far from the road, but we never seened any on the beach. It's too hot I think."

She thought about that. "You're probably right."

"There are ponies next to McDonald's. There's a fence around 'em, but you can buy feed and give it to 'em. They come right up to you."

Alice's eyes were sparklin'. "Mommy, can we eat at McDonald's tonight?"

I found out that Alice got her way a lot. But she wasn't a brat.

She was nice.

She was my best friend.

******P*S******

Edward was nice too. He wasn't like some boys. He liked to play with us, but when Alice pulled out the Barbie dolls, he always made a face and left to play video games.

Daniel was only two years old. He was sweet. He never bothered us when we were playin' except when Edward was there. He liked to follow Edward around which never made him mad. Edward was a good brother.

"What is your Daddy doing?" Alice asked one day when she seened my Daddy pullin' on the rope that was hangin' over the side of our little dock.

"He's pullin' up the crab pot to see if he caught anythin'." I told her with a frown. "I don't want him to catch anythin'."

"Why not? Maybe if he catches a crab you can get a cage for it and take it home as a pet."

"They're not hermit crabs Alice. Those crabs are kinda big. Daddy caught one the other day and when he said he was gonna cook it, I started cryin'."

Alice's mouth fell open. She was freakin' out a little.

"It's okay Alice. He put it back in the water 'cause I told him it looked like a mama crab and her babies were probally lookin for her."

"Why's he still catching them?" she watched my Daddy and frowned.

I shrugged. "He likes to catch 'em, but he always puts 'em back now." I smiled. "He's probally the best daddy in the world." I whispered.

"If your daddy's the best daddy in the world, then my daddy's the best daddy in the universe." She folded her arms and looked mad.

"Alice, I'm not gonna fight with you," I told her. "Mine's just the best that's all."

Alice gave me a mean look. "You better take that back Bella, or you won't be my best friend."

"But," I looked at her but it was hard to see 'cause my eyes were gettin' watery. "I can't take it back Alice. I love my Daddy more than I love bein' best friends." I whispered.

"Well Bella Swan, I can't be your best friend today." She stood up. "Maybe tomorrow." I watched her walk to her house, and I stayed on my porch and cried.

I was wipin' my eyes on my shirt when I heard Edward. "Don't cry Bella," he said and sat down next to me on the porch swing. I looked at his face. He looked sad.

"Sometimes when I have a bad day, my Mom gives me a popsicle to cheer me up." He told me. "Here, try this. It'll make you smile," he said as he handed me a popsicle.

I loved popsicles.

I started to unwrap it.

"I think Alice is already sorry for what she said," he whispered.

I took a big breath so I would stop cryin'. "I never seened a popsicle with only one stick." It looked like half a popsicle. They weren't the kind my Mama always buyed at the store.

Edward smiled at me. "These are special popsicles, but you won't find out why until you eat the whole thing."

I sniffled and smiled at him. "Edward, you are probally the nicest boy I ever met."

His smile was bigger. "Bella, you _are_ the nicest girl I've ever met."

I didn't want to think about my fight with Alice anymore, so I ate my popsicle. I only got a few drips on my shirt.

"Is my tongue orange?" Edward asked before stickin' it out at me.

I giggled. "Yes. Is mine purple?" I asked before stickin' mine out at him.

He nodded and smiled.

When our popsicles were gone, Edward pointed at my stick. "See, that's what makes it special."

There were letters on the stick, but I couldn't read all the words. "I can't read it," I told Edward.

"That's okay Bella. I can. Every stick has a joke on it. I'll read yours first,

_Why did the turkey have to leave the supper table?"_

I shrugged my shoulders.

_"He was gobbling his food."_

We laughed.

"Okay, now I'll read mine.

_Why was the dog sweating?"_

"I don't know."

Edward smiled again, " _It was a hot dog,_ " he said with a big laugh.

I laughed and laughed.

Edward knew just how to make me feel better.

I giggled again and showed Edward my happiest smile.

"Hi Bella," I turned around and Alice was standin' in my yard. She didn't look mad any more.

"Hi Alice."

"I'm sorry Bella," she said with a sad face. "I promise I won't be mean any more. Will you still be my best friend?"

I stood up and ran off the porch til I was huggin' her. "You will always be my best friend."

' _You and Edward_ ', I whispered so no one could hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Each chapter will cover a summer/year in Bella's life. Some chapters will be shorter than others.
> 
> The houses the Cullens and Swans own face the inlet between Chincoteague Island and Assateague Island. As I said before, the beach in on the east side of Assateague which is just a few minutes drive from Chincoteague. Almost every house on the inlet has a small pier out back.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once again to aurellacullen for her wonderful beta work on this… 
> 
> **Enjoy

**\- Present Day -**

Laundry, dishes, vacuuming.

It wasn't even mid-morning before my back began to ache. More proof that the single parent gig was not for me. As I let out a gust of air, I realized I had no one to blame but myself for making that choice.

Stupid and rash.

It seemed that I could still find ways to make things harder on myself. Old habits are hard to break.

Thinking back to that first summer made me realize that I had entirely too much time to sit and _think._ It was better to keep busy rather than relive the first time I met Alice and …. Edward.

Another deep breath.

After that summer, I returned home with my parents, but we kept in touch with the Cullens through letters and the occasional phone call. That was how I found out they were coming down to Williamsburg during the week between Christmas and New Year's, and would be making a stop in my home town before going back to Philadelphia….

**-Winter—Bella, Age 6 years…**

"Bella!" Alice screamed as she jumped from the van and ran to hug me. I hugged her back just as hard.

She was still my best friend.

Edward hugged me after Alice did. I missed him. I think he missed me too.

He smelled nice, kinda like Twizzlers.

Daniel tried to share his cookie with me, but I told him he could eat it. 'Specially 'cause it was all gooey from bein' in his hand.

"I like your room Bella," Alice told me while we were playin' with Alice's new paper dolls.

"Thanks," that made me happy.

"These dolls look just like the people in Williamsburg looked in the olden days," Alice told me. She was holdin' up a girl doll that had big white hair on her head and a poofy blue dress, and a man doll with the same white hair.

"Why does everyone have white hair?" I asked.

"Mommy said that they wore wigs." Alice told me.

"Like for Halloween?"

"No. I think they wore wigs all the time."

I looked at the dolls again. "They look weird."

Alice laughed. "I know."

"Do you think they were bald headed?" I whispered the question. "My Nana told my cousin Joey that she was gonna snatch him bald headed if he didn't behave. Maybe the kids in olden days didn't behave."

I always behaved at Nana's.

"I don't think so but I'll ask my Mommy." Alice answered.

I turned my head when I heard someone laughin' behind me and saw Edward standin' in my doorway. He was holdin' his camera. He looked at the paper dolls and then laughed again.

"Hi," he was still smilin'. "Mom wants me to take some pictures."

"That's a great idea!" Alice kind of squeaked. She did that when she got excited.

We stood close together for our picture. Alice put her arm on my shoulders. I made sure to smile pretty like Daddy always told me.

"When we get them developed, Mommy can send you a copy Bella."

I was so happy that I hugged her. "Thank you Alice."

"Now, I want to take a picture of you and Edward." She walked over and took the camera from Edward.

"Me too," Daniel ran into my room and grabbed Edward's hand.

Edward smiled really big as he stood next to me. He didn't put his arm on my shoulder though. Daniel stood in front. "Don't cut our heads off Alice," Edward said.

I looked up at his face to make sure he was only kiddin'. I really didn't want my head cut off. He was smilin' so I guessed he was kiddin'. I was still lookin' up at Edward when I saw a flash. "Oops, you were looking away Bella." Alice told me. "And that was the last one."

She shrugged and handed the camera back to Edward. "Oh well, we'll send you copies of them anyway, even if that one looks stupid."

"Alice, you better not let Mom hear you say that word." Edward wasn't smilin' any more.

Neither was Alice.

"Don't tell her please Edward," she whispered.

"I won't."

Edward was a good brother.

I said goodbye to Edward and Alice in the driveway. I was tryin' real hard not to cry. "Maybe you can come to my house sometime and we can play in my room?" Alice told me.

That made me smile.

"I'll ask my Mommy. Bye Bella." Alice hugged me again.

So did Edward. "See you in the summer Bella." He looked sad.

**-Summer-Bella –age 6yrs-**

I could hear Mama fightin' with Daddy in the other room. They did that a lot now. It sounded like she was the only one fightin' though, 'cause Daddy wasn't sayin' a word. I covered my ears for a while, but I could still hear her, so I got one of my books and went to the back porch.

I didn't go to Alice's house. I thought she was probally still sleepin'.

_One fish  
Two fish  
Red fish  
Blue fish_

_Black fish  
Blue fish  
Old fish  
New fish_

I looked up and saw Miss Esme walking down her porch steps. She was lookin' at me and smilin', so I guessed she was comin' over. At Christmastime, she told me to call her 'Esme', but Daddy said no, 'cause that would be bad manners. He said 'Miss Esme' was better, so that's what I started callin' her, and I called Alice's daddy Doctor Carlisle.

Miss Esme frowned when she heard Mama yellin' in the house. "Bella, sweetie, have you had breakfast?" Miss Esme had a soft voice. She never yelled.

I shook my head.

Miss Esme smiled, but kinda looked sad too. She opened the door. "Renee, Charlie," she called. "I'm taking Bella next door. I'll feed her breakfast and then she can play with Alice."

"Okay Esme," I heard Mama say.

"Thank you Esme," Daddy sounded tired. I wanted to tell Miss Esme that I needed to stay with my Daddy, but I knew Mama wouldn't stop yellin' even if I was there.

Miss Esme held my hand all the way to her big house.

Mama and Daddy didn't fight all the time, sometimes we had fun. Some days Mama even laughed. Like when we went to Mr. Whippy's for ice cream.

"Bella, why don't you try something different?" Mama asked. "You always pick the same thing."

"I like chocolate ice cream cones the best."

Edward liked pineapple, Alice liked strawberry, and Daniel had to have his in a cup, on account he was only three years old and real messy. Miss Esme didn't tell them to try somethin' different.

"Bella, get some extra napkins, you're going to drip that all over your shirt," Mama told me. On my way back to the table, I bumped into a little kid who was runnin' past, and my ice cream cone got smushed right into my shirt.

I started cryin' 'cause I lost my ice cream, but I cried harder when Mama yelled at me.

"Bella! I told you to be careful. Now look at your shirt!"

I looked down at my shirt. It used to be white.

Daddy ran over to help clean me up 'cause I couldn't do it very well by myself. "Renee, don't scream at her. It was an accident. She's just a little girl."

"A little girl who never listens." Mama was still yellin'.

It was the first time she ever yelled at me. She got mad at Daddy a lot, but now she was made at me.

Everybody was lookin' at me. I wanted to hide so they couldn't see me cryin'.

"Renee, you need to calm down. She's six years old." Miss Esme was still talkin' in her sweet voice.

Mama's face was red. "You don't understand Esme. How could you with your perfect life and your perfect doctor husband?"

"Renee, that's enough." Daddy was yellin' now. "I think you should wait in the car."

Mama stomped her feet and left.

"I'm sorry Bells," Daddy told me. "I love you baby. Mama loves you too. She didn't mean what she said."

"It's okay Daddy," I whispered. I wasn't tellin' the truth, but Daddy looked sad. I didn't want him to be sad.

"Charlie, let Bella stay with us tonight." Miss Esme whispered. "Maybe you and Renee need a chance to talk."

Daddy nodded, but he was rubbin' his forehead with his fingers. "I'll try Esme. She gets so unreasonable. This has been getting steadily worse for about three years. But she's never yelled at Bella like that. I'm usually her punching bag."

Daddy looked at me, like he just remembered I was standin' there. "Um, maybe we shouldn't be discussing this just now."

Miss Esme nodded.

After that, Daddy left.

Doctor Carlisle got me another ice cream cone and I felt better.

I took a bubble bath in Miss Esme and Doctor Carlisle's giant bathtub and wore some of Alice's pajamas to bed. We held hands in the big bed until we fell asleep.

Alice said that we could be _almost_ sisters instead of best friends.

That made me happy.

The next day, Mama didn't look mad any more, and she kissed me sorry for yellin'.

****P.S****

We were eatin' and laughin' at Daniel 'cause he had pizza sauce all over his face, when Alice dropped her pizza and yelled. "Bella, what happened to your wiggly tooth?"

I felt with my finger and the wiggly tooth on the bottom was gone. All that was left was a hole. "Where did it go?" I was getting' scared. I never lost a tooth before.

"Oh honey, you may have swallowed it," Miss Esme told me with a sad face.

I couldn't stop from cryin'. I swallowed my tooth. My tooth was in my tummy.

Miss Esme got out of her chair and hugged me. "Bella sweetie, it's okay."

I shook my head. "No it's not. Now the tooth fairy can't come, 'cause I don't have a tooth to put under my pillow."

"Oh no!" Alice looked as scared as me.

"Nonsense," Doctor Carlisle said. "I have it on good authority that the tooth fairy is very resourceful, and can use magic in situations like this."

I stopped cryin' to listen, and wiped my eyes with my hands. "Really?"

"Absolutely Bella," Doctor Carlisle said. "Do you think you're the first child to swallow a loose tooth?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "No?"

Doctor Carlisle and Miss Esme were smilin' at me. "I'm sure it's happened lots of times sweetie. Don't you worry, that tooth fairy won't forget you."

I sure hoped Miss Esme was right.

I was spendin' the night with Alice again 'cause Mama and Daddy were havin' a date night. I didn't know what that was, but I knew I wanted to tell them about my tooth.

So while Alice was in the tub, I went outside to see if Mama and Daddy were home yet.

The car was still gone.

I sat on the porch feelin' sad.

"Hi Bella," Edward made me jump a little. I didn't know he was right behind me. He laughed.

"I brought you a popsicle." I smiled 'cause every time I was feelin' bad, Edward made me feel better by givin' me a popsicle.

He did it last week when I stepped on a bee; a couple days ago when I fell down in the driveway and skinned my knee; and now 'cause I was sad about my tooth.

As soon as I finished my popsicle, Edward grabbed the stick:

_"What fish goes best with peanut butter?"_

I grinned. "I don't know."

_"Jelly fish."_

We both laughed. I looked at Edward and wrapped my arms around his tummy. "I wish Alice was my sister, and I wish you were my brother Edward."

I could hear him laughin'.

"Thanks Bella."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we see the start of Renee's issues. As Charlie said, it's been going on for a long time, but children (Bella) don't always pick up on these things.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos to msjaxteller for dubbing our sweet Edward as 'Popsicleward' : ) That's me smiling.
> 
> Thanks once again to the lovely aurellacullen for her beta/prereading work on this, I have come to rely on her help more than she probably realizes. This chapter is a lot purtier because of her help. Thank you so much my dear!
> 
> Also thank you to all my friends on Facebook who have talked me down from the ledge more than once recently…. 
> 
> *Enjoy

**\- Present Day -**

"I think you should come down to Pensacola for a couple of weeks. Honestly Bella, school doesn't start for another month, and it would do you some good to get away from Virginia for a while." My mother's voice sounded over the phone line.

I shook my head, exasperated. "Mama, you know I can't do that…"

She cut me off. "Sure you can, besides, I _miss_ you."

I rolled my eyes, glad she couldn't see me.

"Mama, I know you mean well, but it's just not possible right now. I have responsibilities _here_. You could always come see _me_ you know." I said this, secretly hoping she wouldn't take me up on my suggestion.

"Baby, you know I want to but it's been a busy summer…"

"All the more reason for me to stay here," I said definitively.

Try as she might, my mother and I would never be as close as she would like. She gave up the chance of that happening years ago.

**-Summer-Bella age 7-**

Alice carried _Candyland_ down to the great room and set it up on the coffee table so we could play. The slidin' glass door was open, and I could hear my Daddy out on the porch talkin' to Miss Esme and Doctor Carlisle.

"I tried everything to make her happy; including purchasing the cottage next door in an effort to please her. Renee always wanted more than I was able to provide."

Daddy sounded sad and I knew it was 'cause Mama couldn't come with us to the beach this year.

Before we left, she was cryin' and huggin' me hard as she said goodbye. I told her not to cry 'cause I'd see her very soon. I didn't cry; I was excited about seein' Edward, Alice and Daniel again.

"We're so sorry Charlie," Doctor Carlisle knew Daddy was sad without Mama here.

"I'll be alright Carlisle; this was a long time coming. I think if it hadn't been for Bella, she'd have left years ago."

Daddy was whisperin', but I could still hear him. "And now I have to explain to my daughter that her mother won't be there when we get home."

I suddenly stopped playin' and looked at Alice. "What?" I didn't mean to, but I kinda yelled the word out loud.

"Bella?" Alice gave me a worried look.

"Shit," I heard my Daddy say the bad word before he came inside, walkin' really fast over to me. He squatted down on the floor in front of me.

"Daddy, where is Mama goin'? Why won't she be at our house?" I was getting' scared.

Daddy sat on the sofa and pulled me onto his lap. "Bells baby, Mama needs to go away for a while. She's sad, and she needs to go somewhere else so she can feel better."

"Is she sick? Does she need to go to the hospital?"

"Maybe honey. I don't know."

"Remember when Nana was in the hospital? She liked the flowers we sent. Maybe we could get Mama some flowers and then she'll feel better."

Daddy hugged me. "I wish it was that easy Bells."

My eyes were startin' to burn as they filled with tears. "I don't want Mama to leave." I cried into Daddy's shoulder.

"I know baby," he told me while he rubbed my back.

"Can I talk to her on the phone?" I sniffled.

Daddy nodded. "When Mama gets settled, she promised to call and let us know where she is."

"Why can't we go with her?"

Daddy took a deep breath. "Honey, Mama doesn't even have a place to live yet, so it's better if you stay with me. I wish things could be different, but I promise I'll never leave you Bells."

I hugged Daddy tightly as I cried into his neck. When I looked up at his face, his cheeks were wet. I wiped them with my hand. "I love you Daddy. I promise I won't leave you either."

*****P*S*****

Every mornin' as soon as I woke up, I thought about how Mama was not goin' to be home when we would leave here, causin' me to cry for a minute. Then I would wipe my eyes 'cause Daddy needed me to be happy, and I was good at pretendin'.

After my mornin' cry, I would jump out of bed and put my clothes on before running over to the house next door. When I was with Edward, Alice and Daniel, it was easy to forget why I woke up sad every mornin'. They made my heart feel better.

I had fun with them, even when they weren't gettin' along.

"Daniel, do you want to play with our sand castle?" I asked.

"Can I put my army guys on it?"

"I guess so," I looked over at Alice where she was fillin' a bucket with water from the ocean.

Daniel ran to his backpack to get his army men.

"You're going to be sorry," Edward was grinnin' at me.

"Why?"

"Trust me; Alice doesn't want Daniel anywhere _near_ her sand castle."

I stopped diggin' the moat to look at him. "Well it's _my_ castle too, and I think she's kinda mean to Daniel."

Edward shrugged. "It's worse at home. But Daniel can be annoying. He's always going into our rooms and messing with our stuff." Alice arrived back with her bucket just as Daniel sat down next to the castle and started puttin' his tiny army men on the walls.

"Daniel, go play somewhere else," Alice said in a mean voice.

"I told him he could play here."

Alice looked at me like I was crazy. "Bella, he can't play with our castle."

"Why not?"

"Because he just can't." She told me before turnin' to Daniel. She frowned and put her hands on her hips. "This is your punishment for giving my Holiday Barbie a haircut."

_Huh?_

"Alice, be nice," Miss Esme called from her beach chair.

"Mommy, you know he's not allowed to touch my stuff, and that includes  _sand castles_."

"Come on Daniel, I'll help you build your own castle." Edward told him.

Edward was a very good brother.

But Alice...

Alice was kind of a mean sister.

*****P*S*****

"Bella, I need to tell you something," Daddy said as he tucked me into bed.

I was hopin' he was goin' to say that Mama changed her mind and would be home when we got there.

"We only have two more days in the cottage."

I nodded, 'cause I knew Daddy had to go back to work and when we left, some other family would be stayin' in our cottage.

"Well, instead of coming home with me, how would you like to stay with the Cullens for a few more weeks? Doctor Carlisle will be going home soon for work, just like me, but Miss Esme and the kids will be staying until almost the end of the summer."

Daddy had a small smile on his face, but his words were scary.

I threw my arms around my Daddy's neck and held on tight as I started to cry. "Daddy please don't leave me, I promise to be a good girl. Just don't leave me too. Please."

"Bella, Bella," he slowly pulled my arms away from his neck. I didn't want to let go. "Sweetheart, you _are_ a good girl," Daddy kissed my head. "You're the _best_ girl. Don't ever doubt that. Mama didn't leave because of you, Mama left because of Mama."

Daddy rubbed his forehead the way he did when he was upset.

"If you don't want to stay, then you don't have to. When Miss Esme offered, I thought you'd like to stay here with your friends rather than come home and have to go to a babysitter or your Nana's while Daddy's at work."

I thought about that.

Daddy really wasn't leaving me?

A summer with Alice and Edward was a lot better than Nana's or a sitter.

But was Daddy just sayin' this because he didn't want me to come with him?

I bit my lip and looked at my Daddy's worried face. I decided I would have to trust him. "Okay Daddy, I'll stay here."

"You sure?"

I nodded.

"If you change your mind, even after I've left, you have Miss Esme call me and I'll drive straight back to get you okay?"

I smiled; that made me happy. "Yes. I will."

"Promise?"

I smiled bigger. "I promise Daddy."

"And Bells?"

"Huh?"

"You can call me every night if you want."

*****P*S*****

I stood in the driveway of Alice's house and waved to my Daddy as he drove away. He was goin' home without me. My stomach kinda hurt, so I went in the house and pulled out my books. Readin' would make me forget about my tummy ache.

"Kids, why don't you put on your swimsuits and we'll all go to the beach." Miss Esme was good at makin' me feel better.

After the beach, Miss Esme and Doctor Carlisle took us to see the ponies next to McDonald's. By the time we got back to the house, I was feelin' a lot better; at least until I saw a car pullin' into the driveway of our cottage.

Someone was movin' in.

Miss Esme and the rest of the family went inside the big house, but I stayed on the porch watchin' the people next door unpack their car. It was just a lady and a man. I was glad they didn't have a little girl.

"Hi Bella," I was beginnin' to get used to Edward sneakin' up on me. I turned around and gave him a big smile, even though all I really wanted to do was cry.

"Hi Edward," I told him as I took the popsicle he was holdin' out to me.

We didn't say anythin'. Edward just sat with me while I watched the people next door and ate my popsicle. When the pain in my stomach came back and I kinda wanted to cry, Edward put his arm around my shoulder to make me feel better.

He didn't read the jokes from the popsicle sticks this time. He just sat with me, and I didn't feel so alone anymore.

****P*S****

I had a lot of fun with Edward, Alice and Daniel that summer, and I talked to Daddy almost every night on the phone. Before I knew it, the summer was over and Miss Esme was takin' me home to Waverly.

My Daddy came outside as soon as we pulled into the driveway. I jumped out of the van and ran to hug him. "Hi baby, I'm so glad you're home. I was lonely without you."

"I missed you too Daddy," I told him before I kissed his cheek.

My heart was hopin' that my Mommy had changed her mind and was waitin' inside for me. I ran through the house, checkin' every room but she wasn't there.

I carried my suitcase to my room and sat down on my bed. My cheeks were wet 'cause, even though I tried not to, I was cryin'. I didn't want Daddy to see me like that, so I wiped them with my shirt. "It will be okay Bella." I heard Alice whisper from the doorway.

She walked over and gave me a hug. "Thanks for bein' my best friend Alice."

"Thanks for being mine Bella."

That night, after the Cullens left and Daddy had tucked me in, I curled up in my bed and cried myself to sleep.

I missed my Mommy. I missed Alice, Edward, and Daniel. I missed Miss Esme and Doctor Carlisle.

I missed the beach. I missed ice cream. I missed our cottage.

I missed eating popsicles and laughin' at the silly jokes.

I missed the time when my tummy didn't hurt 'cause I was sad…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stick with me…the 'present day' may be confusing now, but will eventually make sense.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once again to the gracious and lovely aurellacullen for her beta/prereading work. 
> 
> There's a bit of a time jump in this chapter.
> 
> *Enjoy

**\- Present Day -**

"You feeling okay Bells?" Dad asked; his voice not gruff enough to mask his worried tone.

"Oh you know, same as usual."

My Dad grunted in displeasure. "I'm not a fan of what you're doing. I have half a mind to take my vacation early and come out there to help you."

"Don't do that Dad. I'm fine. Stick to the plan as I'm going to need your help later." I attempted to change the subject. "Mama called."

"What did she want?" He asked, sounding annoyed. My tactic seemed to have worked.

"What she always wants, me to come to Pensacola."

I heard him let out a breath. "You're not going are you?"

"No, of course not. I just let her talk."

"Good. She's just trying to ease her conscience anyway."

"I know." I told him in a quiet voice.

Dad didn't say anything for a minute.

"So what are your plans for later today?"

I groaned. "I've been persuaded to spend the afternoon at the skate rink."

Dad chuckled. "You're a good mother Bells. I was always thankful that Esme took you kids skating and never forced us Dads to go along." He paused. "That place should bring back some memories, huh kid?"

"I'm sure it will."

Suddenly visions of our many trips to the skate rink flooded my mind. I smiled as I remembered Edward teaching me to skate while Esme and Alice taught Daniel. Not surprisingly, Daniel picked it up a lot faster than I did.

And then I remembered the summer when I became convinced that Edward hated me. One afternoon at the skate rink changed everything, proving to me just how mistaken I was.

**-Summer-Bella, age 10 years…**

As soon as I saw Edward that summer, I was shocked by how much he'd grown. Alice looked the same and I was pretty sure that I still looked the same, but Edward was taller, and his voice was deeper. Daniel had gotten taller too, lookin' a lot like Edward did the first summer that I met him.

"Hi Bella," Daniel greeted me with a huge smile and a hug, beatin' Alice to it. That first day, we went to the beach as usual, but I noticed that Edward frowned more than he used to, and he was quieter, but inside he still seemed to be the same old Edward.

At least, that's what I thought until later that night…

"So Jacob is your babysitter's son?" Alice asked as we sat on the back porch, paintin' each other's fingernails.

"Yeah. He's a few months younger than me, which means he's a year behind me in school, but we have a lot of fun together. Well, that is until his friends show up. All they want to do is play stupid things like baseball and stuff." I was tellin' Alice about my new friend.

After a couple of years of stayin' with my Nana after school, Daddy had found Mrs. Black, although I called her Miss Ruthie. Her husband knew Daddy, so when Nana got sick and couldn't watch me anymore, Miss Ruthie became my new sitter.

"I tried to play baseball with Jacob and his friends once, but I stood too close behind the batter when he swung, and the bat hit me in the stomach."

"Oh my gosh, I bet that hurt."

"Yep," I winced at the memory. "I always thought people were kiddin' when they talked about seein' stars." I laughed. "It knocked the wind out of me and made me dizzy. After that, I decided 'no more baseball for Bella'."

We laughed.

"Aren't you a little old for a sitter Bella?" I turned around to see Edward standin' in the doorway glarin' at me. It shocked me because he'd never looked at me like that before.

I looked between him and Alice, feelin' confused.

_Why was he mad?_

"Um, well, Daddy says I'm too young to be home alone." I looked down at my fingernails while I answered him.

"Stop being mean Edward," Alice snapped at him before turnin' back to me. "So what happened after you got hit?" She asked me.

"Uh, Jacob was really upset. He made his friend apologize for hittin' me. I told him he didn't have to 'cause it was an accident, but Jacob wouldn't listen."

Alice grinned. "It sounds like he _likes_ you Bella."

I could feel my face turnin' red. "Of course he likes me, he's my friend."

Alice giggled. "No, I think he _likes_ likes you."

"He sounds like a jerk." Edward muttered before walkin' past us to the pier.

"Don't listen to him Bella." Alice said with a sigh as she went back to paintin' her toenails.

I frowned as I watched Edward skimmin' pebbles across the water. "When did he get so grumpy?"

Alice shrugged. "I don't know what's wrong with him. I've never seen him act like this before."

For the next couple of days, Edward seemed to be his old self again, but every time I would talk about my life back in Waverly, he would get grumpy again.

"Have you seen your mother lately?" Alice asked bluntly while we sat on the beach.

"I saw her at Christmas. She was movin' to Florida and wanted me to come with her."

Alice gasped. "Oh no."

"Don't worry Alice; I'd never leave my Daddy." I told her. "Besides, it would mess up my summers with y'all." I noticed a small smile cross Edward's face.

_Maybe he doesn't hate me after all._

Ever since my Mama left, I'd been spendin' most of each summer with the Cullens. Daddy would bring me to Chincoteague soon after school let out, stay with me for one week, and then leave me there. To be completely honest, I looked forward to it all year.

Sure, I missed my Daddy, but my summers with Edward, Alice and Daniel were the best.

That night as I was fallin' asleep Alice brought up my Mama again.

"Are you mad at her?" Alice asked.

"Who?"

"Your Mom, for leaving you," Alice said in almost a whisper.

I thought about that. "I was mad at her for a long time. But I didn't like feelin' that way. Last Christmas when she was tryin' to get me to move to Florida, I was really upset. Miss Ruthie noticed and asked me what was wrong. After I told her everythin' she hugged me and said I was makin' the right decision. She said I should stay with Daddy 'cause that's where I'm the happiest."

"She sounds like a smart lady." Alice whispered.

"She is. I love goin' to her house. She reminds me of your Mama."

"That's nice." I could see Alice smilin' in the dark room. "Night Bella."

"Night Alice."

****P*S****

"I kinda suck at this," I told Daniel while we played Super Mario Brothers. "I play sometimes with my friend Jacob, but he's a lot better than me."

"It's okay Bella, you have all summer to practice," he told me with a bright smile, causin' me to smile back at him. He was such a nice little kid.

I glanced over at Edward and saw him frownin' at me again.

"Okay gang, the rain isn't going to stop our fun," Miss Esme announced as she entered the livin' room. "Who'd like to go roller skating?"

We all jumped to our feet immediately. Ever since Edward taught me how, I loved to skate.

At the rink, Edward was quiet again. Alice, Daniel and I skated together most of the time. Sometimes Edward would join us, but a few times he just sat and watched.

Watched _me!_

At first I thought it was my imagination, but every time I looked in his direction he was starin' at me. I was afraid he was mad at me again, but I couldn't think of anythin' that I'd done wrong. It made me so nervous that one time, I forgot to watch where I was goin' and bumped into two girls. They were a little older than me and, thankfully I didn't knock them down, but they were angry nevertheless.

"I'm s-sorry," I stuttered out as I regained my balance.

"Watch where you're going you stupid bitch," one of them snarled before they both gave me dirty looks and skated away.

My mouth fell open in shock. No one had ever spoken to me like that before.

I could feel my eyes fillin' with tears, so I left the rink and sat down. I dashed away the fallin' tears with my hands and willed myself not to cry anymore. There was no way I was goin' to be a snivelin' mess in front of the entire skatin' rink.

I could feel Edward watchin' me again, and wondered if he thought I was stupid too.

_Probably_

"Hey Bella," Edward's voice sounded softly from beside me.

_Speak of the devil_

"I'm going to get a drink, do you want one?" He asked. I looked up at him. He didn't look mad. He just looked sad.

"Okay. Can I have a Sprite?"

"Sure," he said with a smile.

Alice and Daniel smiled and waved as they skated by. I could see Miss Esme sittin' at a table with some of the other mothers.

The next skate was goin' to be an 'all couples' skate. That was usually the time we'd play in the arcade. I saw Daniel and Alice make their way over to Miss Esme, no doubt to get money for the games.

"Hi, um, would you skate with me?" I turned to see a boy standin' next to me with a nervous smile on his face.

My mouth fell open in shock when I realized that this boy was askin' me to skate the 'couples' skate with him. As the music started, suddenly Edward appeared at my side.

"Sorry man, she's already skating with me," Edward set down our drinks before steppin' between me and the other boy, grabbin' my hand and pullin' me into the rink.

_What the heck just happened?_

I was stunned into silence as we skated under the twinklin' lights.

_I can't fight this feeling any longer.  
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow.  
What started out as friendship,  
Has grown stronger.  
I only wish I had the strength to let it show._

_I tell myself that I can't hold out forever.  
I say there is no reason for my fear.  
Cause I feel so secure when we're together.  
You give my life direction,  
You make everything so clear._

_And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight.  
You're a candle in the window, on a cold, dark winter's night.  
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might_

When I finally found my tongue, I blurted the first thought that came to my head. "Edward, what was _that_?"

He gave me a sheepish look. "I didn't want you to skate with that guy."

"What was wrong with him? He seemed okay."

"No one's okay Bella." Edward looked around to make sure that nobody was close enough to hear him. "I just didn't want you skating with him. Can't you leave it alone?"

"No Edward, I can't. You're not makin' any sense."

_My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you.  
I've been running round in circles in my mind.  
And it always seems that I'm following you, girl,  
Cause you take me to the places,  
That alone I'd never find._

_And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight.  
You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night.  
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might._

_And I can't fight this feeling anymore.  
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.  
It's time to bring this ship into the shore,  
And throw away the oars, forever._

Suddenly, Edward grasped my hand tighter and pulled me until we were exitin' the rink. I followed him, still holdin' onto his hand until we were seated on a bench in a quiet corner.

He was frownin' again. "Look Bella, I'm sorry if I upset you. Did you want to skate with that guy?"

I shook my head. "No, not really. I just want to know why you don't like me anymore." I looked down at my lap.

Edward did the most unexpected thing then. He laughed.

It made me look up from my lap to glare at him instead. "It's not funny."

"It _is_ funny Bella."

My eyes started burnin' again, and I felt like I was gonna cry.

"Bella, please don't cry," I felt Edward's hand rub my shoulder.

I sniffled. "You've been so angry with me. I don't know what I did wrong. All I can think is that you don't like me anymore and don't want me hangin' around your family."

I couldn't stop the tears from fallin' then.

"Bella, Bella, please don't cry," Edward sounded upset as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "I'm not angry, I'm jealous. Don't you get it? You're my Bella."

I couldn't believe what I was hearin'.

"What?" I asked as my tears immediately stopped.

Edward let out a big breath of air. "I don't want any guys skating with you, or holding your hand, or being your friend Bella." He pulled at his hair with his free hand. "I know that's not fair, but I can't help it. I don't like Jacob Black because he gets to be your friend when I'm not around. I don't want to be replaced."

I was still a little stunned, but when I thought about the way he'd been actin', I realized that he only got angry when I talked about Jacob.

"Edward, no one could ever replace you. You and Alice are my best friends, and I love Daniel as if he were my own little brother."

"Bella, I don't want to just be your friend." He stared at me as if just by lookin', I would know what he was thinkin'.

He took a deep breath. "Bella, if I asked you, would you think about being my girlfriend?"

_Oh my goodness!_

I thought about how in school some of the kids called each other 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend'. It didn't seem to mean anythin' except they would call each other on the phone or sometimes hold hands on the playground.

I bit my lip. "My Daddy would never let me have a boyfriend Edward. I'm only ten."

"But you'll be eleven soon, and I'm twelve." Edward looked hopeful.

I studied Edward's face. I was so happy that he wasn't angry with me, and I realized that when I thought he didn't want me, it hurt a lot. He was one of the most important people in my life.

I had always liked him. But did I _like_ like him?

I then thought about all the time we'd spent together. Five years of memories…Edward makin' me feel happy when I was sad. Edward and my Dad teachin' me how to ride my bike without trainin' wheels. Edward teachin' me to roller skate. Watchin' our favorite TV shows together. Playin' video games. Laughin' at Daniel's silliness. Collectin' seashells and buildin' sandcastles. Mr. Whippy's and pony rides.

My heart did a little flutter when I thought about him pullin' me out on the rink for the 'couples' skate. I looked into his bright green eyes as he waited for my answer.

No, I didn't _like_ like Edward. I _loved_ him. I had for a long time. It just took until now to realize it.

I smiled a small smile. "Okay, I'll be your girlfriend. We just can't tell my Daddy."

Edward smiled bigger than he had all summer, and then he hugged me. Hard.

We laughed, and went in search of Alice and Daniel.

That night, while Alice was takin' her bath, I found Edward sittin' on the back deck readin' a comic book. This time I was the one who brought _him_ a popsicle. He smiled when he saw me and set the book aside.

We ate our popsicles in silence, but Edward made sure to drape his arm around my shoulders as he sat next to me. I noticed that when he did, my heart did that little 'flutter' again.

I looked at my _boyfriend_ and smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh…the sweetness and innocence of first love. Of course my first boyfriend was in second grade. Our time together consisted of him chasing me around a bush on the playground trying to steal a kiss. I eventually wore him out because I had more stamina. Lol. I also threatened to punch him if he tried that again. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it. Song rec: 'Can't Fight This Feeling' by REO Speedwagon. No, it's not on any of my personal playlists…it's just a good skate rink song. So, yeah.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once again to the gracious and lovely aurellacullen for her beta/prereading work. She makes me my words much purtier…believe me. Mwah! 
> 
> *Enjoy

**\- Present Day -**

_Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight  
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight_

_Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer  
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there_

_And even though I know how very far apart we are  
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star_

The sound of Fievel and his sister Tanya's sad song as it sounded from the living room took me back to the times I'd watched _American Tale_ as a child; the song never failing to bring tears to my eyes.

In those days, I cried because little Fievel was lost in a new world, separated from his family. I needn't have worried, after all it was a children's story, and children need never face the fact that not every story has a happy ending.

**-Winter-Bella, age 11 years…**

"Bella baby," my Daddy's voice was too loud, and too close. "I need you to wake up Bells."

I blinked open my eyes and saw Daddy leanin' over me. I looked around and realized that I had fallen asleep on the sofa.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"It's only ten. I was just fixin' to wake you so you could go to your room when I got a phone call. I have to go to the scene of an accident. I tried calling the Blacks so that you could go there, but no one is answering. I'm afraid you're going to have to ride with me."

I sat up and stretched. "Okay Daddy." There was no sense complainin', and anyway, I knew I could sleep in the car if necessary.

I bundled into my coat and Daddy grabbed the afghan from the back of the sofa for extra warmth.

"It's bad Charlie. Looks like a drunk driver t-boned a car with an entire family in it. They tried to revive the mother, but…" Deputy Mark was standin' by Daddy's car window, speakin' in a quiet voice. Daddy shook his head sadly.

"The father's been transported to the hospital. They're loading the kids into the ambulances now. The drunk driver barely has a scratch."

"Isn't that the way it always happens?" Daddy answered.

"The worst part Chief is that we _know_ the family," Deputy Mark's voice had dropped to a very low whisper.

Durin' their conversation, I had been watchin' a man hook one of the wrecked cars onto a tow truck. As soon as he stepped out of the way, I got a better look at the car and I froze.

I knew that car.

"Daddy!" I shouted in alarm.

Daddy turned away from Deputy Mark to look at me. "Bells honey, I'll be with you in a minute."

"No! Daddy, that's Miss Ruthie's car," I yelled as I clutched at his arm.

"What?" Daddy said as his head swung around toward the accident scene again.

This couldn't be happenin'. It had to be a horrible mistake. I grabbed the door handle and bolted from the car; Deputy Mark's words still ringin' in my ears.

_They tried to revive the mother, but…_

_… tried to revive …_

I panicked as I thought of Miss Ruthie, and Jacob, and Rachel. "Bella, stop!" I heard Daddy yell, as I ran toward the closest ambulance.

The doors were still open. "Jake!" I yelled as the hot tears ran down my face. "Oh Jake!" He was lyin' on a stretcher inside the ambulance, there was blood on his shirt, and his eyes were closed.

"Honey, you can't see him just now." One of the EMTs stopped me from gettin' too close. She had kind eyes. She looked familiar too, but I couldn't remember her name. "Charlie…"

She gave Daddy a sad smile as she closed the ambulance doors so that I couldn't see Jake any more.

Daddy pulled me against his chest and walked me back to the car as I cried my heart out. For the rest of the weekend, I was inconsolable.

I'd gotten very close to Miss Ruthie. So close in fact that I had started to think of her as a second mother, kind of the way I felt about Miss Esme, since my own Mama had decided she didn't want the job any more.

I couldn't get it into my head that I would never see her again. She wouldn't be greetin' us with a big smile as we climbed off the school bus, askin' how our day was, givin' us a snack before helpin' us with our homework. My heart was breakin' for Rachel and Jacob, and for myself.

_It was all so unfair_

The followin' Monday, Daddy registered me at a day care. I knew it wasn't Daddy's fault, but I hated it there. It didn't feel right. The ladies were nice enough, but they weren't Miss Ruthie.

Daddy knew I was hurtin' and let me talk to Alice and Edward on the phone more than once a week for the next few months.

When I told them what happened, Alice cried right along with me over the phone. She knew how much I loved Miss Ruthie. "Oh Bella, I'm so sorry. I wish I was there with you."

"Me too Alice." I whispered.

Edward's voice, like always, soothed me when I was feelin' my worst. "I don't know what to say Bella. I just…" he hesitated. "I hate it that you're hurting. I want to find a way to make everything better, but I can't."

"Edward, just talkin' to you makes it better."

I could hear him let out a breath. "I wish I could hug you right now, and not just because you're sad Bella. I miss you a lot."

He missed me. I missed him.

I missed them all.

I missed Miss Ruthie.

I missed my Mama.

Each night as I lay in bed, I would think about my days with Miss Ruthie, Rachel and Jacob, and just like I did for months after Mama left, I curled up and cried myself to sleep.

******P*S******

It was a full two weeks before the memorial service for Miss Ruthie could be held. Jacob's daddy was in the hospital that whole time, and at the service he was still in a wheelchair.

Daddy said he might never walk again.

"Oh Jake, I'm so sorry." I couldn't stop the tears from fallin' as I wrapped my arms around my friend.

Jake swallowed hard; I could tell he was tryin' not to cry.

After the memorial service, everyone had gone back to Jacob's Grandma's house to eat. Jacob and his family were goin' to live there now because his Daddy couldn't take care of Jacob and Rachel alone. It was a long way from my house.

"Thanks Bella." Jake whispered.

I grabbed his hand and led him outside, away from the crowd of mourners, to an old swing set.

"So you have to change schools?"

Jacob looked at the ground as he gripped the chain of his swing. "Yeah, since we're livin' here now, I won't be goin' to school with you anymore," he said sadly. "I don't know if I'll ever see you again Bella."

I touched his hand. "It's okay Jacob. We'll see each other again. I just know it."

He looked up at me with hopeful eyes. "Really?"

I nodded, needin' to reassure him, although I wasn't sure of anythin' at that moment.

"I know it's not the same, but how do you do it Bella?" he asked sadly.

"Do what?"

"Get out of bed and, ya know, _live,_ without your Mama." Jake's big brown eyes filled with tears. He wiped them on his sleeve.

I took a deep breath to keep from breakin' down. "I don't know Jacob. For a long time I pretended to be happy for Daddy's sake, 'cause he was hurtin'" Jake nodded. "I went to school and did everythin' I was supposed to. The only time I cried was when I was alone, the rest of the time, I just pretended. Then one day, I realized that I wasn't pretendin' anymore. I could be happy again without feelin' guilty about it. But I still miss my Mama every day."

**-Spring-Bella, age 11years…**

The rest of the school year was hard. After losin' Miss Ruthie, I kind of drove my Daddy crazy 'cause I worried about him all the time.

It took months for me not to freak out when he had to leave for work, and I had to go to school. Each time the phone rang, I panicked because I was afraid it would be someone callin' with bad news.

I was a mess.

Durin' Spring break, Mama came to spend a few days with me. It was the longest amount of time we'd been together since she'd left all those years before. She stayed at her brother's house. Daddy dropped me off every mornin' before goin' to work.

At first it was awkward, but after a couple of days, we started to get comfortable around each other again. She wasn't the same Mama I remembered, although she seemed happier now.

"Bella baby, can I talk to you about something?" She asked one afternoon as we sat at Uncle Todd and Aunt Katie's kitchen table.

I nodded as I sipped my Coke.

Mama bit her lip and started talkin' in a whisper. "Baby, I know it's been years, and I know you have adjusted well to life with your Daddy, but I just want to say how sorry I am for the way I left."

I stopped drinkin'. I almost stopped breathin' as I stared at her; not sure what she wanted me to say.

She leaned her cheek against her hand as she watched me. "I don't expect you to forgive me. I just needed you to know. Someday, when you're a little older, I'll explain everything, but for now just know that I wasn't well Bella. I needed to leave to get better."

I didn't understand, and didn't know if I ever would.

**-Summer-Bella, age 11years…**

"Bella, you've grown!" Miss Esme exclaimed when she saw me.

Daddy and I had just arrived at the cottage, and all the Cullens had come outside to greet us. Within seconds I was surrounded by Alice, Daniel and Miss Esme as they hugged me hello. I glanced up to see Edward standin' a few feet away, smilin'.

After everyone let go, I took it upon myself to walk over to him and give him a small hug. "Hi Bella," he whispered in my ear.

"Hi," I said with a grin.

Edward and I had never told anyone in our families that we were 'boyfriend and girlfriend', but after that hug, Daddy seemed kinda suspicious.

"Bella, where are your glasses?" he asked as I was headed out the door. Miss Esme was takin' us to the movies.

"Uh," I hesitated, not able to think of a way out of this one. I'd been havin' headaches and trouble seein' the board in class; one short visit to the optometrist later, and I was fitted with my very first pair of glasses.

I hated them.

Well, I guess I didn't hate _them._

I appreciated the fact that I could see again, and that the headaches had gone away, but the glasses became yet another reason for the kids at school to tease me.

Edward and Alice were so perfect. They didn't need glasses. They had beautiful clothes. I bet they were the most popular kids in school.

"I get the feeling that you don't want Alice or _Edward_ to see you in those glasses." Daddy said as he quirked an eyebrow at me.

Why did I have to have such a smart Daddy?

"You know Bella, I didn't say anything when you were going to the beach, or just hanging out with your friends, but it seems that going to the movies is a little different. You're going to start getting headaches again if you stop wearing the glasses altogether." He gave me a hard look.

I sighed, defeated, and went to retrieve my glasses from my room.

"Ohh," Alice crooned. "I like them. They make you look very intelligent."

_Yeah, that's exactly the look I was goin' for. Especially around my 'boyfriend'._

I looked down at my lap and didn't answer.

Much to my father's disappointment, I didn't wear my glasses again that summer, leadin' to more headaches.

As had become the norm, Daddy left at the end of the week, and Dr. Carlisle a week later. I stayed until the end of the summer, in the place that had become my favorite on earth.

***P*S***

Miss Esme, Alice and I had gone shoppin' in town, leavin' Edward and Daniel at home. I'd been feelin' poorly all day, with weird pains in my stomach. Well, I guess not really my stomach, they were lower down. On top of that, I kept feelin' the need to pee.

I'd already gone to two different rest rooms durin' our shoppin' trip and I knew Alice and Miss Esme were startin' to worry.

Our last stop of the day was at the grocery store and, once again I had to visit the rest room. I began to freak out when I found blood in my underpants. It wasn't a lot, but I began to understand the pains I'd been havin'. My mind flashed back to family life class and the lessons about a girl's menstrual cycle. I was pretty sure that was what it was, but try as I might, I couldn't remember anythin' else from that class.

I was in a panic as I wadded toilet paper and stuffed it in my underwear before exitin' the stall. As I washed my hands, I debated over what to do next.

Suddenly, I was very resentful of my Mama for leavin'. She should have been here to help me with this. I took a deep breath and opened the rest room door, knowin' that I needed to tell Miss Esme.

_She's always been a better mother to me anyway…_

After I told Miss Esme what happened, she bought a box of pads for me. Once we got back to the house, she took me to her room and we had a little talk. She explained how to calculate my monthly cycle, and said that until I was 'regular' it would probably be a good idea to carry a couple of pads to school. Then she hugged me. "Bella, sweetie, there's no need to ever feel embarrassed. Always remember that anytime you need help, I'm here." Miss Esme told me before kissin' my head and leavin' me alone to have a bath in her big tub.

Over the next couple of days I learned that, even though Alice was older, she hadn't started her monthly cycle yet.

Edward didn't seem to know what to make of me. He knew I wasn't feelin' well, because I wouldn't put on my swimsuit and go in the water, but if he suspected the reason, he never let on.

While Alice sat inside watchin' reruns of _Full House,_ I sat on the porch thinkin' about all the stuff I had to face without my Mama.

It wasn't fair. I hadn't done anythin' wrong. Even Mama said so.

Then I thought about Jake and Rachel, and I was ashamed of myself. At least I could still talk to my Mama, and see her sometimes. They would never get to see Miss Ruthie again.

Unless the Minister was tellin' the truth about bein' together in heaven.

It was a nice thought, but I wasn't so sure I believed him.

As I sat there, I heard the glass door slide open, and knew it was Edward. I turned to find him carryin' two popsicles. I almost laughed out loud at the goofy grin on his face as he handed one to me.

"What will you do if the store ever stops carryin' these?" I asked him as he sat beside me.

He frowned. "I hope that never happens. It's kind of become _our_ thing." He was smilin' again as he playfully bumped his side against mine. After a while I felt his arm drape around me and his hand rest on my shoulder.

I was thinkin' about everythin' Miss Esme had told me, and how I dreaded goin' back home when Edward suddenly started speakin'.

_"What do you call a pony that surfs?"_ He was grinnin' at me as he read the joke from his popsicle stick.

That was an easy one. I shrugged, pretendin' I didn't know the answer.

He gave me a sly grin. " _A Seahorse_ , of course."

I giggled and hoped that nothin' would ever change the way it felt to be with Edward. When we were together, I forgot about all the bad things that had happened durin' the year. For those few weeks every summer with the Cullens, I got a glimpse of what it would feel like to wake up happy every single day.

It gave me false hope that I could have a future filled with that same kind of happiness; one in which there was no need to grieve, because no one I loved would ever leave me again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec: 'Somewhere Out There' from American Tale


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once again to the gracious and lovely aurellacullen for her beta/prereading work. She makes this story sooo much better! 
> 
> *Enjoy

**\- Present Day -**

Even though it was an hour before noon, the temperature was already quite warm. I knew we wouldn't be staying on the beach much longer. I laid back in my chair to soak up some of the sun's rays as I listened to the laughter of happy children all around me.

A boat was making its way parallel to the shoreline, sending rolling waves toward the beach. I lifted my hand in order to shield my eyes from the sun as I watched it pass. The tinkling sound of my charm bracelet as it brushed against my forehead suddenly caught my attention. I lowered my hand and looked at the collection of trinkets hanging from the links.

I smiled as I remembered when Daddy gave me the bracelet for my twelfth birthday, complete with the first charm; a beautiful silver 'B'. Some people would think it silly to still wear something I'd gotten as a child, but I didn't look at it that way.

Each charm held a special memory.

The 'book' charm was a birthday gift from Esme and Carlisle. I chuckled at the little quartz 'healing crystal' charm given by Mama during her 'alternative medicine' phase. The Eiffel Tower charm was a promise from Alice that someday we'd visit Paris together.

My eyes filled with tears as I ran my fingertips over the little 'tiger' charm, as well as the tiny baby bootie. Lastly, I felt the smooth silver of the miniature silver Popsicle given to me by Edward, a reminder of the first time we broke-up.

**-Spring-Bella, age 12 years…**

I was lyin' across my bed doin' homework when Daddy appeared in the doorway.

"Honey, I just got off the phone with Esme."

My stomach knotted immediately. Even though Miss Ruthie's death had been more than a year before, I still grew fearful that each phone call would bring bad news. I knew that I drove Daddy crazy with my worryin', but he never complained.

"What's wrong?" I asked a little louder than I meant to.

Daddy gave me a worried look. "Nothing's wrong Bella. She wants you to fly up to Pennsylvania for spring break."

A thrill of excitement shot through my body until I realized he'd said 'fly'. I stared at him, "on a plane?"

Daddy laughed. "Unless you've grown a pair of wings recently…"

"I've never been on a plane before."

Daddy moved closer and sat on my bed. "I know honey. They're very safe." He stopped talkin' and took in my expression. "Bells, you don't have to do this. It's just that the Cullens miss you. You have a whole week off from school, and they thought it would be a good idea for you to get away for a while, and I have to say I agree with them."

I was pretty sure my Daddy was tired of watchin' me mope around the house. Miss Ruthie's death had hit me hard, and I'd distanced myself from the few friends I had at school ever since. They could never compare to what I had with Alice, Jacob and Edward anyway.

The only reprieve from my depression had been the time spent with the Cullens durin' the summer. But as soon as I'd returned home, I'd once again retreated into my own little world. I found that readin' helped fill the lonely hours after school and on the weekends. Before I knew it, I'd read almost every classic novel carried by the local library. I adored Dickens and the Bronte sisters, but had to admit that Jane Austen was by far my favorite.

All that readin' had helped to expand my vocabulary quite a bit, but books couldn't provide me with a reassurin' smile when I was nervous, or hold my hand when I was sad; only Edward could do that.

The thought of gettin' to spend a week with Edward and Alice and their family caused me to swallow back my fear. "I..I'd like to go." I admitted timidly.

He smiled. "I'll let them know." He kissed the top of my head. "I think you'll have a good time baby."

I nodded, knowin' he was right.

I just hoped I didn't embarrass myself on the airplane.

*****P*S*****

"Bella!" Alice and Daniel both shouted as I walked through the gate. I looked toward the voices and saw Miss Esme, Alice, and Daniel all bouncin' excitedly as they watched me approach. Standin' quietly to the side with his arms folded across his chest was Edward.

My breath caught in my throat and my heart fluttered when I saw the beautiful smile lightin' up his face.

_Had he always been this handsome?_

I suddenly felt very self-conscious. I hated my glasses, and I knew I wasn't as pretty as the other girls in my class who were already wearin' makeup, plus my Daddy didn't have the money to buy the most fashionable clothin'.

As for my body, I cringed at the thought. Up until last summer, I'd been built pretty much like a boy. Durin' this past winter however, I'd outgrown the 'trainin' bras' Miss Esme had purchased for me. My, um, _chest_ had suddenly and unexpectedly developed further. Instead of bein' happy about it and flauntin' my new _assets_ , like the girls at my school, I hid them.

I was embarrassed.

It was bad enough hidin' from Daddy the fact that I'd started gettin' my periods. Since last summer, I'd made certain to go to the corner store myself for sanitary napkins. But unfortunately, they didn't sell _bras_ there.

There was no way I would be askin' my Daddy to take me shoppin' for one of those anytime soon.

_I'd rather die._

Instead, I had started wearin' baggy sweatshirts over my t-shirts to hide my chest. The kids at school had definitely noticed and ridiculed me for it. Ironically, the ones who treated me the worst were the girls who used to be my friends.

All the way to the Cullen's house, Alice chattered away about how much fun we were goin' to have. It suddenly hit me that I would be seein' their house for the first time, and maybe meetin' her and Edward's friends.

That made me very nervous indeed.

When we pulled into the driveway of their home, I swallowed hard. I'd had good reason to be nervous.

_And I thought their beach house was big…_

Their home was not only large it was, in a word, elegant. I felt like a little country hick as Alice led me upstairs to her room.

"As soon as you're settled in Bella, we're going to the mall." Miss Esme said from the doorway.

I groaned as soon as she was out of hearin' range, and flopped down on Alice's frilly pink bed. A few seconds later, I heard Alice laugh before she crawled up and lay beside me. "I know you're not a fan of shopping Bella, neither am I to tell the truth. Every time we go out, we end up looking at clothes for either Edward or Daniel. It's so _boring._ "

I turned to grin at her. "But," she held up a finger, "going shopping at the mall means that Mom will let us hang out at the arcade while she gets what she needs."

My eyes widened in surprise and I smiled. "We'll have so much fun," she assured.

****P*S****

"But Mom," Daniel whined, "I want to play in the arcade."

"Daniel, you need new shoes." Miss Esme said in a no-nonsense tone. "As soon as we get them, I'll bring you back here to play a few games."

Daniel seemed satisfied at that, and followed his mother after givin' us a grin and a small wave.

"Wow Bella, you're pretty good at this," Alice remarked while we played skee ball.

I shrugged; wonderin' if it was because Daddy took me bowlin' regularly.

Just then, Edward grabbed my hand and pulled me toward a drivin' simulation game. "Come on Bella, this one's my favorite."

I liked holdin' his hand. A lot actually.

Edward and I sat next to each other in the twin driver's seats, watchin' our screens intently as we raced.

He was really good, and in no time at all I was left in the dust.

We both laughed when we finished, and he turned to me grinnin', as he clasped my hand in his again.

"Hey Cullen, who's the kid?" Edward jumped at the sound of his name bein' called, and dropped my hand immediately. "You babysitting your sister's friends now?" The same voice asked, sarcasm drippin' from every word.

Edward frowned. "Cut it out Jamie."

I leaned forward in order to look around Edward and saw two boys about his age standin' with two girls. The boy with the surly attitude, _Jamie_ I guessed, had blonde shaggy hair and wore an old _Clash_ t-shirt. I got the impression he thought highly of himself. The other boy had short dark hair, and bright blue eyes that sparkled when he smiled. He seemed nice enough. The girls' perfect looks and their expensive clothin' made me feel self-conscious. I had to sit back so that I was out of their line of sight.

Edward abruptly climbed from his seat. He turned to me briefly. "Bella, why don't you go find Alice. I'll see ya later." And then he was gone; off to hang with his _friends_.

I felt… bereft. Yeah, that was the right word. I suddenly understood why that term was used in old novels instead of sayin' one felt 'lonely' or 'abandoned'. Those words weren't quite descriptive enough.

I told myself to not to let it bother me that he'd left without introducin' me. After all, not even his family knew that we were girlfriend and boyfriend, although I was certain that Edward's parents suspected.

As I sat there feelin' sorry for myself, Alice slid into Edward's empty seat. "So he left huh?" She asked searchin' my eyes for a reaction.

I nodded. "Don't worry Bella, Edward still likes you. He's just …I don't know." She trailed off.

I gasped and looked up at her.

She grinned. "What? You didn't think I knew you were his girlfriend?"

I didn't know what to say.

"It's obvious that you two are crazy about each other."

I slumped back into the seat. "He didn't seem very crazy about me just then."

Alice sighed. "Those boys are in high school. Even though he's only in eighth grade, Edward's so smart that he's been able to take a couple of high school classes this year. That's where he met Blake and Jamie."

"Who are the girls with them?"

"The redhead is named Vicky, she's Jamie's girlfriend, well sort of. The other girl is Blake's sister Amber." I noticed that Alice turned away and peeked at me sideways when she mentioned the girl's name. "She's in Edward's class."

Somethin' about her tone made me nervous again. "Alice, what's wrong?"

She let out a breath and shrugged before turnin' to face me. "Amber's got a huge crush on Edward. She's really obvious about it too. The girl has no self-respect."

A knot began to form in my stomach. I don't know why I'd never considered the fact that girls were probably throwin' themselves at Edward every day.

Girls who were beautiful; with beautiful clothes; and houses with swimming pools.

Girls who were in his league.

Girls who wore makeup and took dance lessons and gymnastics.

Girls who weren't anythin' like plain old me.

I curled further into my sweatshirt as I suppressed the urge to cry.

"Bella stop. I know what you're thinking, but Edward doesn't like Amber. He's just too nice to tell her to go away."

I swallowed hard. "Has he ever gone out with her?" It was a strange question. Edward was supposed to be my boyfriend, wasn't he?

Alice frowned. "The only time Edward sees her, besides school, is when they all go out as a group, like to the movies or something. I've gone with them a couple of times, because I well, I kind of like Blake," she admitted with a grin. "But I can't put up with Jamie for very long."

"Hi," the happy voice of Daniel interrupted from beside me. "You wanna play me Bella?" I turned to find him smilin' hopefully. Alice vacated the seat next to me and Daniel immediately climbed in. "I'm not as good as Edward, but I bet I can beat you." He teased.

I smiled. Daniel's happiness was infectious.

We returned to the Cullens' house a short time later without Edward, who'd decided to catch a ride home with his friends.

After dinner, Alice, Daniel and I retreated to the basement to watch a movie. The distraction helped me to ignore the uneasy feelin' that was buildin' in the pit of my stomach. When Edward arrived a short time later, he watched the movie with us and behaved as if nothin' had happened.

I never once mentioned my hurt feelin's over the fact that he'd chosen his friends over me, and he never brought it up so I went along, livin' in denial for the next couple of days, until Jamie intruded on our bubble once again.

On Wednesday afternoon, Alice and Daniel both had dentist appointments, so Edward and I had planned to go bike ridin'. He was goin' to show me around the neighborhood. After lunch, I went upstairs to brush my teeth and tie my hair back for our excursion. My tread was light on the stairs as I went in search of Edward a short time later.

I couldn't seem to find him anywhere. I stepped into the kitchen to see if he was waitin' for me in there and found Peggy, the Cullen's' housekeeper, beginnin' the preparations for dinner. "Oh Bella!" she exclaimed when she saw me. "Edward wanted me to tell you that he had to go out, so he won't be able to go bike riding."

My heart sank, but I was certain it must have been somethin' important that had dragged him away. "Do you know where he went?" I asked, concerned.

Peggy grimaced. "That boy _Jamie_ came to the door. I heard him say something about _laser tag_."

"Oh," I said before spinnin' around and quickly retreatin' to Alice's room before Peggy could see the tears streamin' down my face. I curled up on Alice's bed, and cried myself to sleep.

"Bella," I heard Alice's voice call to me. I blinked my eyes open and turned my head to look for her.

I found her hoverin' over me. "Peggy told me that Edward bailed on you," she whispered as she sat down beside me. "Are you okay?"

I could feel my lip start to tremble as I shook my head, the tears startin' to flow once again.

"Oh Bella," Alice soothed as she wrapped her arms around me.

I ate very little supper, and I could tell that Miss Esme and Doctor Carlisle were worried. As I took in Alice and Daniel's sad faces, I wanted to kick myself for ruinin' the evenin'.

Knowin' that I'd be leavin' in a couple of days, I decided to at least _pretend_ to be happy. "Come on Daniel and Alice, how about I let you kick my butt at Super Mario?"

"Seriously?" Daniel asked with a smile.

"Sure."

A short time later as we were seated on the floor of the basement playin' video games, the door opened and I heard the sound of several voices comin' towards us, none of which sounded like Miss Esme or Doctor Carlisle.

I froze.

The first person down the stairs was Edward's friend Blake, followed closely by Jamie and Vicky. It took a moment longer for Edward to appear, with Amber close at his heels.

His eyes searched me out, and he smiled.

"Why don't you kids go find something else to do while the grownups play?" Jamie said with a sneer as he flopped down on one of the two large sofas, lookin' entirely too comfortable. Vicky laughed as she crossed the room and sat with him. I stood there waitin' for Edward to say somethin'; he merely stared at the floor and shuffled his feet.

"Don't be a dick, Jamie," Blake accused before givin' me and Alice an apologetic smile as he sat on the chair.

"Come on Edward, let's sit down," Amber sang as she pulled on my boyfriend's arm, tryin' to lead him toward the other sofa. I could have sworn she smirked at me.

"Um, I'll get some drinks." Edward muttered as he pulled away from her and went to the mini-fridge behind the bar. Daniel and Alice both gave their brother disappointed looks before turnin' toward the stairs. I followed in a haze of hurt and confusion.

When Alice reached the bottom step, she turned and glared at Jamie. "For your information Jamie Hunter, this is _our_ home, not yours; and if my brother doesn't have the _balls_ to tell you off then I will."

I covered my mouth with my hand to hide my surprise at Alice's choice of vocabulary.

"We're not leaving because you told us to, we're leaving because we can't stand to be in the same room with _you_. You're nothing but a, a, a stupid _douchebag_!" She stuttered out as Jamie narrowed his eyes at her. "And as for the rest of you," her glare settled on Edward, "All I can say is that if _that's_ what you want to spend your time with," she said with a gesture toward Jamie, "then you have _really shitty taste in friends._ "

With that she stomped up the stairs, Daniel and I followin' in her wake. Once Alice reached the kitchen, she stood there with her fists clenched, fumin'. As soon as her gaze landed on Daniel, she pulled him around the corner near the laundry room door. "Daniel, be a good brother and don't tell on me okay?" She asked with pleadin' eyes.

Daniel grinned and shook his head. "I won't tell. I'm glad you told him off Alice, he _is_ a douchebag."

Alice giggled then. "I'm glad you agree."

I was happy for them, but miserable for myself. Everythin' I'd witnessed in the basement and a few days before at the mall had proven one thing beyond the shadow of a doubt.

_I wasn't good enough for Edward_

****P*S****

Edward's friends didn't leave for another hour. Alice and I made sure that we were sequestered away in her room by that time, with the door locked. When Edward knocked and said he needed to speak with me, Alice told him to go away.

About thirty minutes later, I headed across the hall to the bathroom in order to brush my teeth. I almost tripped over the body huddled against the wall next to Alice's door.

_Edward_

I darted into the bathroom, tryin' to close the door before he reached me, but he was too fast. "Bella please! I need to explain."

"There's absolutely nothin' to explain Edward." I said with both hands pressed on the door tryin' to close it, but Edward's larger hands and his foot kept me from doin' so.

"Bella, there's so much to explain. I'm sorry I didn't stick up for you…"

I cut him off. "Just out of curiosity, why didn't you Edward?" I asked as I stopped attemptin' to close the door.

Edward's shoulders slumped. "I just… it's just so frustrating." He groaned as he ran his hand roughly through his hair. "I start high school in September, and if I'm friends with Jamie and Blake, I'll automatically be part of the popular crowd. I've discovered I like being popular Bella."

I stared at him, not recognizin' the person who stood in front of me.

"I put my foot down after you left and told Jamie to back off of you, Alice and Daniel. I told him that our families have been friends for a long time."

_But not that I'm your girlfriend._

"He gets it now. It's not like he'll apologize or anything, but hopefully he won't be rude the next time he sees you. I'm sorry, that's just how he is…"

"I see." I said quietly.

Edward looked at me hopefully. "Do you?"

I nodded before bitin' the inside of my cheek, hard. "Let me make this easier for you Edward." I began, wonderin' if I would have the courage to say what I needed to. "How about if we forget that we were ever 'girlfriend' and 'boyfriend'? After all, we were just kids when this started, so let's just admit that it was a silly idea that we could develop feelin's like that for each other. I mean, we've never told our families, so no harm done…"

_Only the harm caused by the fact that I was rippin' my own heart from my chest…_

Edward's mouth fell open in shock as I blinked back the tears that were threatenin' to fall. I had to do this; I had to let him go if I wanted to keep my sanity. I'd allowed the Cullens, especially Edward, to become my whole world. It had become painfully clear that his feelin's for me weren't as strong.

I'd been such a fool.

"After all, in your quest for 'popularity', it would be a lot easier if you were free to date the _popular_ girls. So let me give you the freedom to do that. From now on, you are free to do as you like without any regard for my feelin's. You no longer have to keep the girls like _Amber_ at arms' length just for my sake."

"Bella," he whispered. "It was never just for your sake…"

I shook my head. "Don't worry about it. Edward if you were bein' honest with yourself, you'd have known that this," I gestured between him and me, "was never gonna work. We only get to see each other once or twice a year if we're lucky. It's hard enough to maintain a _friendship_ under those circumstances. Anythin' more serious is nearly impossible…"

I silently prayed that he didn't suspect that I was lyin' through my teeth.

"Now do you mind if I close the door? I need to use the restroom." I lied.

Edward swallowed and nodded, not able to look me in the eye as he took a step back.

I closed and locked the door before leanin' back against it. When my legs couldn't hold me up any longer, I slid to the floor and sobbed silently into my hands.

****P*S****

The next day was awkward. Edward stayed home, but was pretty much invisible as far as I was concerned. The only time we were in the same room was durin' dinner, and even then he never looked me in the eye.

I hadn't realized how sullen I'd been until Alice finally spoke up.

"Alright Bella, I've had it. I am staging an intervention."

"Huh?"

"You and Edward are being ridiculous. I know he screwed up, but you can't give him the cold shoulder forever. You're only going to be here for two more days, it's time to kiss and make up.

_Kiss and make up? Does Alice realize that Edward's never even kissed me?_

_And he never will…_

I shook my head as I felt the tears stingin' my eyes. "I broke up with him." I told her in a hoarse whisper.

Alice grew completely silent and still. When I looked up at her, she was frownin'. "Why?"

"I told him that he should be free to pursue the 'popular girls' because that's what seems to be important to him. I don't want to tie him down."

"Isabella Swan, you are full of crap. I don't know who's the bigger idiot, you for lying, or my brother for not having the guts to tell his friends to buzz off."

I turned toward her, surprised.

"I can't very well tell him the truth; that I'm not good enough or pretty enough for him." I defended. "I don't _fit_ Alice. I thought I did, with you and Edward, but I don't."

I slumped down on her bed.

"That's nonsense Bella." She argued.

"It's the truth. I don't _fit_ anywhere."

"What are you talking about?" she asked softly as she sat beside me.

I decided that I might as well tell her everythin'. Now that I didn't have Edward, there was nothin' left to lose. "I have no friends in school any more. They all think I'm a freak. Jacob moved away. I'm all alone…" I said as a loud sob broke from my chest.

"Oh honey," Alice whispered as she wrapped her arms around me. "I had no idea…"

We sat like that until I eventually calmed and wiped away the last of my tears.

I looked up to find Alice starin' at me. I could tell by her expression that she was plottin' somethin'. "Bella, don't be offended, but I have to ask because this has been bugging me all week."

I gave her a questionin' look.

"What's with all the sweatshirts you've been wearing?"

"Um…"

Alice quirked an eyebrow, "I somehow think they have _nothing_ to do with the weather, and _everything_ to do with the fact that you're hiding."

I felt the color drain from my face. "I…"

"Bella," Alice said in a softened tone as she placed her hand on my arm. "Talk to me."

I let out a breath. "The truth is… you see… I've kind of _developed_ since last year," I admitted. "I can't tell my Dad that I need a new bra Alice… I just _can't_."

"Oh Bella," Alice whispered.

Before I knew it, I was pourin' my heart out to my best friend, "It's just so hard without a mother Alice. If Miss Ruthie was still here I know she'd help me, but she's not." I said as the tears threatened again. "You're lucky that you have Miss Esme, and even though my Mama's not the best in the world, I need her Alice…"

Alice grasped my shoulders firmly and forced me to look at her. "Bella, I need to know that you trust me."

I bit my lip and nodded. "I trust you."

Alice nodded once and stood. She crossed the room to my suitcase and proceeded to remove every one of my sweatshirts. Clutchin' them with both hands, she turned back to me, "Bella, if you really trust me, you will allow me to throw these away."

I gasped. "But…"

"No buts. I promise you won't be uncomfortable." She threw the sweatshirts in a pile and walked back over to me. "Trust." She said quietly.

I closed my eyes and nodded.

"Good." Alice said. "Oh, and I'll need the one you're wearing as well."

"But…"

"Bella," she said in a warnin' tone. I decided that it wasn't worth fightin' with her and pulled the sweatshirt over my head. I immediately crossed by arms over my chest, embarrassed to be wearin' only a t-shirt.

"Bella, it's okay," Alice soothed again. "Mom will take us out tomorrow and by the time you return home, you'll feel a lot better, I promise."

I nodded.

****P*S****

The next mornin', I refused to leave Alice's room without my sweatshirt, thereby forcin' her to raid her closet to find somethin' I could wear for our shoppin' trip. "Here, try this on," she called as a piece of blue stretchy material flew through the air toward my head.

I held it up and realized it was a top with a halter-style tie at the neck. It seemed to be about my size. "That will look great with your jeans, and it has a built-in bra. I'll be right back." She said before slippin' from the room. I stripped off my t-shirt and pulled the new top over my head.

It fit perfectly.

When I looked at myself in Alice's mirror, my jaw dropped at the sight of my very noticeable cleavage. When she returned, she found me shakin' my head and blushin'. "Alice, I can't go out in public like this," I said as I gestured to the top.

Alice smiled appreciatively. "Nonsense, you look great. I'm so jealous. I bought that top for myself, but I don't think my boobs will ever grow into it. You can keep it." She grinned widely. "You can put this over it, but don't you dare button it up." She ordered as she handed me a cream colored cardigan, no doubt belongin' to Miss Esme.

Even I had to admit that I looked good in the outfit Alice had chosen, but I was terrified for Edward to see me in it. Sure, we'd spent entire days together in nothin' but our swimsuits, but that girl looked a lot different than the one starin' back at me now.

_Why should it matter? You broke up with him, remember?_

Alice literally had to pull me from her room, and even then I kept my arms folded over my chest until I heard Edward and Miss Esme talkin' in the kitchen. That was when I ran to the coat closet and tried to climb inside.

"Bella, would you cut it out." Alice scolded as she gripped my hand hard and pulled me with her.

I was surprised at how strong she was…

My eyes remained fixed on the floor as I followed behind her into the kitchen.

I could tell the moment Edward saw me, because he abruptly stopped talkin' to his mother.

"Why Bella, don't you look nice?" Miss Esme sang from across the room. "I was just giving Edward his instructions. The boys are staying here while we shop." She continued.

Before leavin' the room, I managed to glance up at Edward, only to find him starin', but not at my face. As soon as he realized that he'd been caught oglin' my chest, his eyes darted away and his cheeks turned pink. If I hadn't been so nervous and sad, I might have laughed.

Then I remembered that he was free to look at any girl that way, and I felt a knot in my stomach again.

Thanks to Miss Esme, I returned from our shoppin' trip with several new bras, some new tops and even a couple pairs of jeans, everythin' was form-fittin', designed to show off my new 'womanly' figure. I found it easy to set aside my insecurities while I was with Alice and Miss Esme, but I wasn't sure how I'd feel about things once I got home to Virginia.

****P*S****

That evenin', the entire family was goin' to the circus. I plastered a smile on my face, refusin' to ruin the moment for the Cullens especially Daniel, who could barely contain his excitement durin' the ride downtown.

"What animal do you want to see the most Bella?" he asked.

The answer came easily. Even though I'd never been to the circus, I'd always been fascinated by the big cats, the more colorful the better. "I guess the tigers…"

Daniel grinned. "Me too." I was certain he was only sayin' that 'cause I did, but that was okay.

We had a great time, and the tigers were impressive. I'd never realized that they were so much larger than lions.

It was hard to keep my eyes off of them.

The evenin' had been a perfect distraction, managin' to help keep my thoughts from Edward, but when I laid down to sleep that night he was waitin' for me in my dreams.

****P*S****

"Bella, can we talk?" Edward asked as I zipped up my suitcase the next day.

"We don't really have time Edward," I told him, knowin' that we were leavin' for the airport in less than ten minutes.

"Maybe I can call you?" He started, "Bella, I really don't want us to be broken up. I'm sorry for the way I acted, I was so stupid. Please tell me you'll think about it. I promise to make it up to you this summer…" he spoke in a rush.

"Edward, I'm not tryin' to punish you, I'm tryin' to help you…" I explained. "This week made me realize that we're too young for this and also that… I'm not right for you." I added in almost a whisper.

"No, Bella please…" He pleaded. "You're exactly right for me."

I sighed. "We'll talk on the phone, and write to each other. Let's see how that goes okay?" I said in a whisper, refusin' to get my hopes up.

He gave me a small smile and seemed to breathe a sigh of relief before huggin' me close. "Okay," He didn't let go until Miss Esme called my name.

I didn't let myself relax into the hug.

Edward carried my suitcase to the van, where everyone else was already waitin'. I took one more look around Alice's room, makin' sure I hadn't forgotten anythin', before headin' downstairs as well. When I reached the first floor, I saw Edward standin' at the front door, his back to me and my suitcase as his feet.

"No man, I can't come over right now, but I'll be at the party tonight. I'm going with my family to the airport."

"Why do you have to go Cullen? Haven't you done enough babysitting this week?"

"I told you to cut that out Jamie. Bella means a lot to me."

I heard Jamie laugh. "Yeah, that's great Cullen. I don't get it. I guess she's kind of cute but she dresses like a boy. Oh is that it Cullen? You like boys?" Jamie laughed again.

"Screw you Jamie." Edward seethed.

Jamie paused in his laughter, "I'm just kidding Eddie. Don't get pissed. But you need to stop blowing off Amber, or she's going to give up on you."

"I don't care. I don't want her and never have." Edward muttered.

I hugged the wall as I continued to listen. "Your loss man. You know Scott Hagen, the guy she dated a few months ago?" Edward nodded. "Well, Amber told Vicky that she gave him a hand job after Homecoming." Jamie chuckled. "She _really_ likes you. If you play your cards right tonight, she may grant you the same favor."

"God, Jamie," Edward said in disgust. "You're such a fucking pig sometimes."

"Hey Eddie, you're my friend. I don't want to see you wasting your time with some bitch that's not right for you."

I felt my insides twist at his words.

"Don't you _dare_ talk about Bella like that, do you hear me?" Edward said angrily as he went to grab Jamie's shirt.

Jamie threw his hands up in surrender. "Sorry man, it's just an expression. Sometimes I call girls _bitches_. I don't mean anything by it."

Edward visibly relaxed. "Never refer to Bella that way _ever_ again." He warned. "I should have told everyone from the beginning that she was my girlfriend, it was wrong not to." Edward continued. " _You_ had better show her some respect."

"Okay, okay. Jeez man, I've never seen this temper before."

"You've never provoked me like this before. Just know that from now on, the subject of Bella is _off-limits_ to you."

"Alright Eddie" Jamie still sounded amused. "Well, I'll see you tonight."

Edward sighed. "Yeah, about that, I don't think I'll be coming after all."

"Dude! You've got to come…"

"No," Edward snapped. "Actually I _don't_. See you later."

I suddenly realized that Edward was about to turn around, which meant he'd see me and know that I'd been eavesdroppin'. I turned to run back up the stairs, but the toe of my shoe caught on the runner and I tripped, endin' up splayed face down across the steps.

"Bella, are you okay?" I heard Edward's concerned voice.

"Yeah," I breathed through my embarrassment as I rolled to my back and took his offered hand.

"Whoa," I heard Jamie exclaim from the doorway. "Maybe I _can_ see the attraction Cullen. Nice tits, _Bella_."

I felt my face flame as I threw my arms across the front of my new shirt. I didn't have a chance to say anythin' before Edward whirled back to Jamie, angrier than I'd ever seen him in my life.

"You asshole! What did I just tell you?"

Jamie laughed again while Edward clenched his fist. I hoped he didn't punch him 'cause even though Edward was taller, Jamie was more muscular, and I didn't want Edward to get hurt. "Sorry Cullen, I couldn't help but notice. I _am_ a guy after all."

"Get the hell out of here Jamie." Edward exclaimed before slammin' the door in his face.

My heart was beatin' so hard that I thought it might fly out of my chest. Edward was so _angry_ , so _strong_ , so… _hot_. Everythin' I'd just witnessed completely negated the fact that he'd abandoned me at the arcade or wouldn't stick up for me in the basement.

He had defended me, not carin' if that made him unpopular. He had called me his _girlfriend_. And he'd come very close to punchin' his so-called friend for speakin' disrespectfully about me. And he'd done all that without knowin' that I'd heard every word.

There were two things I knew for certain at that moment. The first was that I loved Edward Cullen with all my heart and soul, and nothin' would ever change that. The second was that I had no idea what a _hand job_ was but if I found out it had anythin' to do with Amber puttin' her _hands_ on my boyfriend, I would hunt her down and rip off both her arms.

I was standin' there red-faced, tryin' to catch my breath as if I'd just run a marathon, when Edward turned back to face me. I didn't give him a chance to speak, and I didn't give myself a chance to think before I grabbed his face between my hands. "I love you Edward Cullen," I whispered before touchin' my lips to his.

Edward was shocked at first, but then I felt him relax and place his hands on my shoulders as we kept our lips locked together. Neither of us knew what we were doin', and we bumped noses more than once, but it was singularly the most thrillin' moment of my life.

When we heard the clearin' of a throat from the kitchen doorway we broke apart, both of us embarrassed, but not able to wipe the smiles from our faces. I peeked over to where Doctor Carlisle was standin' watchin' us with a big smile on his face. "Glad to see you two are _friends_ again, but we'd better get going or you'll miss your plane Bella."

Durin' the ride to the airport, Edward leaned over to whisper in my ear. "By the way, I love you too Bella."

I blushed and was rewarded with his brilliant smile. It was the first time we'd said it, but somehow after all the turmoil of the past week, it felt right.

I leaned over and left a small kiss on his cheek.

_**P*S**_

By the time I got home, I was exhausted but happy. In one week's time I'd experienced my first bout of jealousy over another girl tryin' to steal my boyfriend; my first break-up with said boyfriend, followed by our first reconciliation and our first kiss. I was beginnin' to appreciate more and more our quiet, uneventful summers in Chincoteague.

A couple of weeks after I got home, a package arrived from Edward.

Inside I found a note along with a little silver Popsicle charm.

Dear Bella,

_I really miss you, and I can't believe how badly I screwed things up during Spring break. I'm glad you forgave me, although I'm pretty sure I didn't deserve it._

_I can't wait until summer so that I can see you again. (And kiss you again. And tell you I love you again.) I think about you all the time Bella, wondering what you're doing, what your friends are like, and wondering if you miss me too._

_I realize how stupid I was, and that there's nothing more important in my life than you._

_Thank you for giving me another chance. I promise you won't ever regret it._

_I love you,_

_Edward_

_P.S. When I saw the charm, I couldn't resist. I know it's not much in the way of an apology, but hopefully it will bring back happy memories of our summers together._

_._

I clutched the letter to my chest and held up the charm, watchin' as it dangled in front of me. It was official; Edward was the most thoughtful boyfriend a girl could ever wish for.

The next few months were filled with sweet letters and short awkward phone calls.

We both knew that the followin' summer would be _different_ than any we'd spent together before.

**-Summer-Bella, age 12 years…**

"Bella, I'm impressed." I had to admit, Alice _looked_ impressed. "I was afraid that once you went home, you'd revert to wearing ugly clothes again."

"Alice," Edward said in a warnin' tone. Alice just grinned and mouthed the word 'sorry' to me. I laughed, unable to feel anythin' but perfectly happy at seein' them again.

Especially _my_ Edward.

"But you didn't! You look gorgeous. I bet you set the town of Waverly on its ear." She grabbed my hand and pulled me away from Edward toward their house. Edward followed grinnin'. "How many boys tried to ask you out?"

I looked at Edward, noticin' he'd lost the grin. "A few," I answered with a smirk as I gauged my boyfriend's reaction. "Unfortunately for them, I remembered the way they treated me before. And also there's the fact that Daddy isn't about to let me date yet..." I continued as Edward frowned deeply. "But most important of all, is the fact that I'm not available." I said as I sidled up to Edward and wrapped my arms around his waist. "Until the time comes that you don't want me anymore, I'm yours." I whispered.

_Gah, I think I've been readin' too many romantic novels…_

He smiled "That's never going to happen," he whispered back.

"You two are sickeningly cute." Alice said with a giggle.

The rest of the summer was strange, but sort of wonderful too. Now that Edward and I had kissed, we kept lookin' for opportunities to do it again. Unfortunately, our parents didn't make it easy. The first night we were there, we found that out the hard way.

"Come on Bella," Edward whispered as he tugged my hand. I followed him the few short yards to the pier behind my house. He stopped and turned to face me, gently placin' his hands on my shoulders, just like the first time we kissed, and I knew he was goin' to do it again. I was thankful I'd just brushed my teeth.

"I should have been the one to do this first Bella." He whispered before touchin' his lips to mine. It was so much better than the first time, and I silently hoped he hadn't been practicin' on anyone else.

_Silly Bella_

We didn't open our mouths like the people in the movies did. I wasn't sure how I'd handle somethin' like that, so I decided I'd worry about that later.

Suddenly the floodlights at the back of the cottage came to life and I heard my Daddy's voice. "No lurking around in the dark you two."

"Daddy!" I said as I felt my face heat up.

"Hey, there's nothing you should be doing in the dark that you'd be ashamed to do in the light."

I was embarrassed, but Edward looked a little scared.

So that's how the rest of the summer went. Once Daddy left to go home, Miss Esme still kept a close eye on us. Despite her efforts though, Edward and I were still able to sneak away now and then and have a private moment. It was never enough, but it was better than nothin'.

I cried when I had to say goodbye at the end of summer, but was reassured by the fact that he was mine, and I was his.

I was foolish enough to believe that all our troubles were behind us.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once again to the gracious and lovely aurellacullen for her beta/prereading work. I'd be lost without her help! Muah! 
> 
> A bit of a time jump in this one. 
> 
> *Enjoy

**\- Present Day -**

"It's all settled Bella. We'll arrive early tomorrow, and then Uncle Jazz will babysit while you and I have a _spa_ day."

"Alice…" I whined.

"No arguments. You're so hard-headed. Admit it; won't it be nice to have a relaxing afternoon?"

I blew out a gust of air. "Yeah, you're right. But I still don't know how you can call that place a spa," I said with a laugh. "It's nothing more than a glorified beauty salon."

"Too true," she giggled. "Chincoteague is in serious need of a good day spa. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye Bella."

"Bye Alice."

**-Summer-Bella, age 14 years…**

"So tell me all about Spring Break with your Mom." Alice began as she sat on my bed in the cottage and watched me unpack.

Daddy and I had arrived only moments before. I was disappointed that Edward wasn't there to greet us, but he'd driven his mother to the store. Alice had explained that because it wouldn't be long until he got his driver's license, he was usin' every opportunity he could get to practice.

After they'd greeted me, Alice followed me inside and Daniel pitched right in with helpin' Daddy unload the car.

He really was a great kid.

"I already told you most of it," I said, shakin' my head at Alice's desire to know every minute detail of my rather mundane existence.

"I'm sure you left out _something_." She grinned. "Like the fact that you're wearing new clothes, and _not_ wearing your glasses."

I smiled then, rememberin' the happy week I'd spent with my Mama. "I still have my glasses, but Mama had me fitted for contact lenses as well. And she kind of insisted on buyin' me a new summer wardrobe." I grinned even wider.

"You look fantastic Bella. I think my brother will definitely approve." Alice wiggled her eyebrows as she spoke, causin' me to blush.

"Shut up." I said with a giggle as I threw a t-shirt at her head.

"Hey," sounded a soft voice from the doorway. A voice that made my heart beat just that little bit faster every time I heard it. I turned to find Edward watchin' me and smilin'.

"Hi," I breathed as I made my way over to him, wrappin' him into a welcomin' hug.

Alice groaned. "I'll let you two have some privacy." She said before makin' her way past us.

"Not too much privacy," my Dad's voice bellowed from the hallway, makin' us both jump. "Remember the rules Bella, door stays _open_."

"Daddy," I whined, feelin' the blush overtake my face once again.

"Don't _Daddy_ me." I heard him say as he walked back in the direction of the livin' room.

Edward was still laughin' when I pulled him toward the bed, forcin' him to sit down beside me.

I proceeded to wrap my arms around his neck, not carin' if Daddy liked it or not.

"Hmm," Edward hummed as he pulled me close. "Missed you."

"Me too." I said before givin' him a swift kiss on the lips. "Oh! Happy belated birthday. How's it feel to be sixteen?"

He smiled widely. "Good. I got my learner's."

"So I hear."

"I'll have my license before Christmas." He continued to smile.

The long-distance relationship we'd tried to maintain had a lot of ups and downs. Mostly downs. We couldn't see each other every day or even once a week. We'd been relegated to short phone calls and letters, but somehow we'd made it work.

It had been two years since Edward and I had shared our very first kiss and declared our love for each other. It seemed like a long time, but if you added up all the moments we'd actually spent alone together, I figured we were on par with a couple who had been datin' for about four months.

Edward leaned in until I could feel his warm breath on my face and kissed me again. Needless to say, our kissin' skills had improved dramatically since that awkward day two years before.

*****P*S*****

"I call Bella!" Daniel shouted.

We were choosin' sides for a game of beach volleyball, and Daniel had inexplicably chosen me as his teammate.

I looked at him skeptically. "Daniel, are you sure you want me on your team? I'm not very good."

"I'm sure." He grinned.

I usually teamed up with Edward. He played well enough that we still won most of the time.

"I think my brother has a crush on my girlfriend," Edward whispered in my ear as he moved past me to take up his position on the other side of the net.

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do with that bit of information. I heard Edward bark out a laugh as he noticed my look of surprise.

For the next few days, it was obvious to anyone who cared to notice, that the words Edward had spoken were true. Daniel stayed very close, and it became a rare occurrence for Edward and me to find a moment alone.

Edward had always seemed to have an infinite amount of patience where his brother was concerned, but this new behavior pushed even him to his limit.

One night as we sat alone on the deck eatin' popsicles, Daniel found us. "Daniel," Edward snapped.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"Do you mind? I haven't had a moment alone with Bella since she got here." He exaggerated, but only slightly.

Daniel's face fell at his brother's words, and I instantly felt horrible.

"Oh, sorry Edward." He mumbled before turnin' and goin' back into the house.

Edward's expression indicated that he felt even worse than I did. "Maybe you should go talk to him?" I suggested.

Edward took a deep breath and I watched his jaw set. "No," he said while shakin' his head. "I'll talk to him later, explain things a little better."

I nodded. I trusted Edward to let Daniel down easy. He was nothin' if not a good brother.

The next day, Daniel followed us around as usual. But that evenin' while Alice was busy chattin' with her latest crush on the telephone, I noticed he didn't follow Edward and me outside.

"You talked to Daniel?" I asked as I took a bite of my orange Popsicle.

Edward nodded. "I told him that I understood that I needed to share you with him and Alice during the day, but asked if he would try to understand that I needed time alone with you in the evenings. He was cool about it." Edward said before takin' a bite of his Popsicle as well.

" _Why wasn't the mouse a tattle-tale?_ " Edward asked with a grin as he read the joke from my Popsicle stick aloud.

"I don't know." I answered with a matchin' grin.

" _It didn't want to be a rat_."

We both smiled at one another, enjoyin' the familiarity of the moment, identical to countless others we'd shared over the past nine years.

Edward sighed and ducked his head down to mine. "You're so sweet." He said before reachin' his hand around and gently graspin' the back of my neck. I closed my eyes just before I felt his lips graze against mine. When I felt his tongue slowly trace my lips, I parted them, allowin' him entrance.

He tasted of grape Popsicle, and summer, and everythin' I loved the most in this world.

*****P*S*****

"Bella, you will never believe who I just saw downstairs." Alice exclaimed with a scowl as I exited her bathroom in my swimsuit.

Daddy had gone home, and as had become the routine, I was spendin' the next three weeks with the Cullens. We'd had a lazy mornin', sleepin' in and then hangin' around the house before decidin' to spend the afternoon at the beach.

"Who?"

Alice made a little growlin' sound in her throat, "That jerk Jamie talked Blake into making a 'road trip'," she answered, makin' little air quotes with her fingers. "They're downstairs now chatting to Mom and Dad. Edward does _not_ look happy."

My heart sank at her words. _Jamie._

I hadn't set eyes on him in over two years, and had no desire to see him now.

Edward had previously explained how he'd remained good friends with Blake over the last two years, but had distanced himself from Jamie. They were still 'friendly', and still hung out together sometimes if Blake was there, but he told me he didn't really trust him. He had a volatile temper and terrible mood swings that had only gotten worse over the past two years.

Edward had explained how, a year before, Vicky had dumped Jamie and he'd gone ballistic. He was suspended from school for three days because of fightin', and Edward wouldn't have been surprised if he'd attempted somethin' crazy such as burnin' down the school. His behavior had been very erratic.

After his breakup, Jamie dated _a lot_ of girls, treated them badly, and then dumped them. Blake stuck by him, as they'd been friends since second grade, but even he had confided to Edward that he didn't know how to help him anymore.

As it turned out, Jamie had arrived claimin' that he wanted to see Chincoteague for himself, since Edward was always ravin' about it. He told Miss Esme that they planned to stay in a hotel but she, of course, wouldn't hear of it, and insisted they stay with us.

The bright spot, if there was one, was that they'd be gone in a few days.

*****P*S*****

I wasn't sure what had woken me from a deep sleep, whether it was the loud thump as a body fell to the floor beside Alice's bed, or the deep-throated chuckle which followed immediately after. Maybe it was a combination of the two which sent me sittin' straight up in bed, wide-eyed and fully alert.

I peered over the edge of the bed, only to find Edward lyin' face-down and laughin' into the carpet.

"Edward!" I whisper-yelled, "what in the world are you doin'?"

He rolled over onto his back and looked up at me, the dim light from the hallway was just bright enough that I could see the wide grin on his handsome face. "I tripped." He said, still laughin'. "I jus' wanted to come say gunnight."

He was slurrin' his words. My eyes opened even wider when I realized that he was _drunk._

I glanced over to where Alice lay beside me. She seemed to still be asleep, and I hoped she'd stay that way.

"Edward, have you been drinkin'?" When Alice and I had finally gotten tired of listenin' to Jamie's boastin', we'd gone to bed, leavin' Edward, Jamie and Blake on the back deck. All three had been stone cold sober at the time.

"A little," he said as he hoisted himself up to his knees with a grunt and proceeded to rest his elbows on the side of the bed. He was so close that I could feel his breath on my face. "Jamie swiped some vodka from his Dad's liquor cabinet."

My mouth fell open in shock. "If your parents find out, you're gonna be in so much trouble."

"I know." He was still grinnin'. "Last time this happened I was grounded for a month."

I gasped. "You've done this before?"

"Coupla timz."

I frowned. It seems there were still a few things that I didn't know about my boyfriend and his behavior when we weren't together.

"Imma really miss you when you go home," he said before takin' a deep breath, "and I go home…"

I nodded. I loved him, but I was really wishin' he'd go to bed. I didn't know how to handle a drunk.

"But I was thinkin'," he continued. "After grad, gradu, after I finish school, Imma go to college in Virginia," he smiled again; obviously proud of his stroke of genius.

"That way, we can see each other alla time."

Actually, his idea made me happy, like _really_ happy, and I hoped he'd remember it when he was sober. "I'd like that very much Edward." I told him in a small voice.

He smiled widely again and swayed a little on his elbows. "I wanna kiss you Bella."

"Uh…"

"But firss, I wanna tell you sumthin."

"What's that Edward?"

He stopped smilin', a dark expression overtakin' his features. "Stay away from Jamie, Bella. He's bad news."

I just stared at him. He had to know I despised Jamie, so why would he even _think_ I'd willingly go anywhere near him.

"He makes fun of us," he said as he gestured between the two of us. "But I know it's cuz he wishes he could have you." As he said the last word, he lightly touched the bare skin above the neckline of my t-shirt with the tip of his finger. "Im not gonna let him have you Bella."

I cringed at Edward's revelation. I hoped he was wrong about Jamie, but as I recalled all the leerin' glances Jamie had sent my way, I was afraid that what Edward had said was only too true.

"He's a dick," he muttered before lookin' sheepish; a sheepish, drunk, beautiful, boy.

"Sorry, I shouldn't use language like that aroun' you…" he touched my cheek with his fingertips. "You're so young, and _innocent_." He added in a whisper.

_Naïve is more like it…_

"I'm not so innocent…" I defended in a whisper.

He smiled and tilted his head to the side as he studied me. "Yes, you _are_ ; s'nothin' to be ashamed of." He let out a big gust of air and leaned down fully on his elbows until we were eye to eye once again. "I really wanna kiss you now Bella."

"Okay," was my brilliant response.

He leaned in; obviously aimin' for my lips but missed. His kiss landed half on my mouth and half on my cheek. I couldn't help the giggle that escaped.

"Hold still," he ordered.

"I _am_ holdin' still," I said, still gigglin'.

"Hold _still_ -er …" His second attempt was better, but still drunk and sloppy. When he pulled away, he was smilin' contentedly. "There, I bet no one's ever kissed you like _that_ before."

_True_

I giggled again. "You should know Edward; since you're the only one I've ever kissed."

He raised his eyebrows and smiled crookedly. "Oh yeah."

"I think you'd better go back to your room now."

He swallowed hard and sat back on the floor. "Just gimme a minute for everything to stop spinnin', and I will."

I watched as he lay back down on the floor. Less than a minute passed before he was flat on his back, snorin' loudly.

"Rats." I muttered, knowin' I'd never be able to move him. "Edward," I called. He didn't respond.

Suddenly I was aware that the entire bed was movin'. I looked around for the source only to see Alice's shoulders shakin' in silent laughter.

"Alice! Have you been awake this entire time?"

"A-huh," she giggled as she sat up to face me. " _Oh Bella, you're so, so young, and innocent_." She cackled. " _I really wanna kiss you now Bella._ "She pursed her lips and made kissin' noises before fallin' back on the bed in a howl of laughter.

"Would you shut up, you're goin' to wake everyone in the house!"

After a couple of minutes, I couldn't help but join in her laughter as we lay back listenin' to the snore-fest emanatin' from the floor beside us.

*****P*S*****

"I have half a mind to send you home with your father on Sunday, instead of letting you stay for the rest of the summer." Alice, Daniel and I were sitting quietly in the kitchen, but were able to hear every word as Edward was reprimanded by his parents in the next room. "And if I didn't think it would upset Bella, I'd do precisely that." Miss Esme scolded. "I knew it was a mistake to allow those boys to stay here."

There was silence for a moment before Edward's father began to speak.

"Son, your mother and I are very disappointed in your behavior. It seems that every time you're around that Jamie character, you exercise poor judgment." Doctor Carlisle spoke in his usual calm voice. "Now, I want you to answer me honestly, was their visit something the three of you planned ahead of time?"

"No sir." Edward spoke. "Dad, please believe me, I didn't know anything about it. This was all Jamie."

There was silence for a moment before Doctor Carlisle spoke again. "Very well. I guess I'm thankful for that at least." I heard Carlisle sigh. "Edward, you need to start thinking about your future. In two short years you'll be starting college. If we can't trust you not to drink _now_ , how are we going to trust you _then_?"

"I'm sorry." I heard Edward say softly.

"I would accept that if it were the first time you'd done this. As it is, you need to know that I'm calling the boys' parents and informing them of what happened. I have no say in what their punishment may be; but rest assured, when you return home, yours will be severe."

It was hard to listen to this. As much as I knew he'd screwed up and deserved to be punished, I also knew how the fact that he'd disappointed his parents would eat him up inside. I hoped that maybe, just maybe, this would be enough to make him sever all ties with Jamie Hunter.

Alice and Daniel shot me sympathetic looks as I stood to walk outside, needin' to escape. I didn't stop walkin' until I stood at the end of the Cullen's small pier. As I stood lookin' down at the water, I was startled by a voice close to my left ear.

"Hey there sweet tits, it's nice to finally catch you alone."

I shuddered before turnin' to glare at Jamie. I looked past him, but Blake was nowhere to be seen. We were alone.

Jamie stood with his arms folded; blockin' my path of escape, but that wasn't goin' to stop me. I moved to walk past him, but he grabbed my upper arms, holdin' me there. "Let go of me Jamie," I told him in my most threatenin' tone as I tried to twist my arms free.

Jamie laughed in my face. "You know, it's funny. You act like you're better than me, but you're _nothing_ except a needy little hick." He sneered. "I keep waiting for Cullen to wake up and realize that you're _not_ in his league. Mark my words, _it will happen_. One of these days, when his family comes down here on vacation, he won't be with them because he'll have realized that he's got better _options_. What will you do then little Swan?"

It suddenly became difficult to breathe. I knew Jamie was a liar, but his words hurt. He either didn't notice, or didn't care as he continued his verbal assault. "Cullen's a pussy, but even he'll get tired of you eventually. I hope I'll be around to witness it when it happens."

My vision started to blur as tears filled my eyes. The grip Jamie had on my arms tightened again as I struggled to break free. I couldn't understand. What I'd ever done to Jamie Hunter to make him hate me so much?

"Let go of me!" I sobbed.

What happened next was a blur. Jamie released my arms as he was hurled to the pier by the fury of my boyfriend's attack. Edward proceeded to punch and kick like a madman, while screamin' unintelligibly. It took both his father and Blake to pull him away from his so-called friend.

Jamie had obviously gotten in a few shots as well, as I noticed the blood on Edward's lip when he stood. "You will _never_ touch her again," he spat in anger as he stood over Jamie.

I'd never seen him so furious.

When Jamie stood, I noticed he was favorin' his left side. I could only surmise that Edward had gotten at least one good punch in there. Everyone began screamin' at once, and I instinctively covered my ears with both hands as the tears continued to trail down my cheeks.

Not able to take another minute of Jamie's witherin' glares, or the yellin' all around me, I turned and fled. I ran until I reached Alice's bedroom and threw myself down on the bed. As I lay there cryin', I felt the bed shift, and was aware of someone crawlin' in behind me.

I just lay there quietly sobbin', assumin' it was Alice, until I heard Edward speak. "I'm so sorry Bella." He said as he rubbed my shoulder, calmin' and soothin' me with his touch. "He's gone now; on his way home. I promise he'll never bother you again."

I just nodded into my pillow. This wasn't Edward's fault; or maybe it was his fault, just a little, for bein' friends with such a horrible boy. I didn't know.

Once I'd cried my last tear; I felt myself driftin' off to sleep, feelin' safe and comforted by the warmth of Edward's body as he lay against me. The last thing I heard was Edward's voice, low in my ear. "I love you Bella."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bella's birthday is at the end of the summer. So, even though she was technically 14 years old in this chapter, she was only a few weeks away from 15. She and Edward are only a little over a year apart in age.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once again to the gracious and lovely aurellacullen for her beta/prereading work. I'd be lost without her help! Muah! 
> 
> *Enjoy

**\- Present Day -**

Dinner was over, dishes were washed, and baths had been taken. A calm stillness had settled over the house once more. I curled up in bed with a book I'd been attempting to read for days. It wasn't holding my interest and, as of yet, I hadn't made it past the first chapter.

I sighed as I tried to get comfortable, the ache in my back making it virtually impossible. It was too quiet in my room, so I reached over and pressed a button on the clock radio before picking up my book once again.

_You'll remember me when the west wind moves upon the fields of barley.  
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky as we walk in the fields of gold._

The sound of Eva Cassidy's achingly beautiful voice drifted through the room, calling me back to a happy time. I gave up on trying to read, and let my head fall back against the pillow as I listened.

_So she took her love for to gaze awhile upon the fields of barley.  
In his arms she fell as her hair came down among the fields of gold._

In my mind, this song would forever be linked to a winter's night spent in Edward's arms. I smiled in spite of myself at the memory, and suddenly felt very alone. It was late, and I wondered if he was still awake. I picked up the cell phone, debating whether or not to call him, when the phone suddenly chimed in my hand. I looked at the screen and smiled.

_Edward_

"Hey," I answered breathlessly. "I was just going to call you."

"I take it you couldn't sleep either?" His soft silky voice sounded in my ear, making me want to melt into the mattress.

I wondered how, even now, he had that power over me.

"Something like that," I answered. "I was thinking back to the night of the winter formal."

He chuckled. "And what prompted that little trip down memory lane?"

I sighed. "I don't really know, maybe it's something about this place. I've been thinking a lot about the years since we met."

He was silent for a long moment. "Don't dwell on the bad stuff Bella," he stated in a sad voice.

I shook my head, aware that he couldn't see. "I try not to…" I paused. "Are you still mad at me?"

"Yes. No. I don't know," Edward answered with a sigh before chuckling.

"For what it's worth, I've been regretting my decision…"

"So you admit to being wrong?" he asked with a chuckle, "which can only mean that your _husband_ was right for once."

"It happens, although I can't very well tell _him_ that."

"You're a cruel woman, Bella Swan. You should let the poor guy off the hook every once in a while."

"Now why would I do a thing like that?" I giggled; talking to Edward made me feel lighter, more carefree. "And besides, I haven't been Bella _Swan_ for years… that girl was silly, naïve, clumsy…"

Edward interrupted, "and the girl who I fell in love with," he added softly. "It doesn't matter how much time passes, or how much you _think_ you've changed; you'll always be Bella Swan to me."

**-Winter-Bella, age 15 years…**

"Bells, you look mighty pretty." Daddy said as I made my way down the stairs to where everyone was waitin' in the foyer.

Edward's junior class had decided to forgo havin' a spring prom in favor of a 'winter formal'.

When he'd called to ask me to be his date, I'd covered the receiver with my hand, prepared to plead with my father in order to get his permission to attend. But Daddy had surprised me by not only agreein' to let me go, but he even agreed to take the Cullen family up on their invitation to spend Christmas in Pennsylvania this year.

Now, wearin' the perfect midnight blue dress, which I found when Daddy took me shoppin' in Richmond, and havin' my hair styled into a sophisticated up-do, courtesy of Miss Esme's hairdresser, I looked and felt like a princess about to attend her first ball.

Alice squealed excitedly as soon as I came into view, but my eyes were only on Edward. He was in a black tux, his blue tie matchin' my dress perfectly, and he was beautiful.

_Is it okay to refer to a boy as beautiful?_

_Doesn't matter, 'cause that's the only word that fits…_

He looked like a movie star, but that wasn't what caused my breath to catch in my throat, it was the fact that he was starin' at me like _I_ was the beautiful one.

I could feel my face flush by the time he took his place by my side for photographs.

"You look amazing," he murmured as he stood there, turnin' a corsage of white roses over in his hands.

"You too," I answered. "Are those for me?" I asked, pointing to the flowers.

"Oh! Yes, um," he looked at the flowers and then at my dress, before turnin' to Miss Esme, silently askin' for assistance. I giggled at his awkwardness, causin' him to smile.

"Edward honey, Bella wears them on her wrist." Miss Esme told him.

"Oh, yeah, I knew that."

I giggled again. I'd never seen Edward so nervous before.

He reached for my hand in order to slip the corsage onto my wrist. Once the flowers were in place, I grasped Edward's hand again and held it in mine. He blew out a breath and seemed to relax a little before shootin' me a grateful smile.

I was surprised that I wasn't nervous while pinnin' a rose to his lapel. It took a couple of tries, but eventually I got it right.

We were hugged by everyone; before Edward led me out to the garage where his car waited. It had been a gift for his sixteenth birthday. Edward's parents, bein' the sensible people they were, hadn't purchased anythin' flashy for their eldest child; instead Edward's gift had been a Volvo, because it was ranked one of the safest cars on the road.

It was sleek, black and looked like it should belong to someone much older, but I couldn't deny that it was comfortable. As soon as Edward pulled out of the driveway, and we lost sight of his house, he reached for my hand again. "I was so glad to get out of there," he admitted before blowin' out a breath. "Being all dressed up, while everyone was staring at us, made me nervous."

I smiled at his confession. He moved his hand so that our fingers were intertwined.

"Do you realize that this is the first time we've ever really been alone?" His voice was low and soft, and sent a thrill of excitement through me as I thought about the truth of his words.

Durin' all the years we'd known each other, we'd always been in the same house with his family or mine, and if we went anywhere it was always with a group.

This was new and excitin'.

"Maybe we should skip the dance and just go somewhere and make out." I blurted suddenly, not knowin' what had gotten into me.

Edward laughed loudly. "That may be the best idea you've ever had," he said with a grin as he squeezed my hand. "But my mother would find out, she has friends everywhere," he turned and gave me a meaningful look, still smilin'. "The best I can offer is sneaking out a little early…" He trailed off, and I could see the wheels turnin' in his head as he began to formulate a plan. All of a sudden, I felt warm all over, and a little breathless. The thought of sneakin' out early with Edward…

*****P*S*****

As soon as we entered the ballroom, I had to fight against the wave of insecurity which was bubblin' to the surface. Back home, the dances were held at the school. Only the wealthy kids attended schools where the dances were held in hotel ballrooms, and this was bein' held at a _very_ nice hotel in downtown Philadelphia.

Jamie's words from the summer before, remindin' me of how I wasn't good enough for Edward, came back to me then.

_"You act like you're better than me, but you're nothing except a needy little hick."_

_"I keep waiting for Cullen to wake up and realize that you're not in his league. Mark my words, it will happen."_

I looked around at Edward's classmates, knowin' that every one of them would be attendin' an expensive, if not Ivy League, school in a couple of years. I'd be lucky if I could afford to attend a community college.

_Did everyone here know that I was a little nobody who had nothin'?_

The one good thing was, because this was a dance for the junior class, I knew neither Jamie nor Blake would be here. I relaxed slightly at the thought; that was until I caught a glimpse of Amber starin' at me. Thankfully, she didn't glare; instead, she seemed to be merely eyein' Edward and me with curiosity.

Edward had a proud smile on his face when he introduced me to a few of his friends, but nothin' made me feel more loved than what I discovered, quite by accident, when he led me over to a table where some of the chaperones were seated.

"Why hello Edward, and who is this lovely young lady?" An older man with dark hair and glasses spoke. He didn't seem as well put together as the rest of the adults, with his wrinkled jacket and hair stickin' up as if he pulled at it often.

"Hi Mr. Simmons," Edward said. "I'd like to introduce my girlfriend Isabella Swan." Edward then turned to me. "Bella, this is Mr. Simmons, my Chemistry teacher."

"It's a pleasure to meet you Miss Isabella," Mr. Simmons smiled as he shook my hand. "And where do you go to school my dear?"

"Um, I live in Virginia," I said in almost a whisper.

"Oh," Mr. Simmons said as his eyes widened in surprise which suddenly morphed into an understandin' smile. "I'm an alumnus of George Mason University. I can now understand why Edward's been asking me about colleges in Virginia."

Edward ran his hand through his hair nervously as I fought the exultant smile, which was tryin' to break free. I remembered his words from the summer, and knew now that his statement about wantin' to go to school in Virginia hadn't been an idle drunken promise.

I wasn't a little hick with nothin'. I had Edward's love. And that was worth more than anythin' else in the world.

*****P*S*****

Neither of us knew how to dance very well, so we sat out the fast songs. However, as soon as a slow one began to play, Edward took the opportunity to pull me onto the dance floor.

_Will you stay with me; will you be my love among the fields of barley?  
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky as we lie in the fields of gold._

I had my arms around Edward's neck and he had his hands on my hips, as we swayed back and forth. "I'm so happy your Dad allowed you to come. I was afraid after my behavior last summer that he wouldn't let you see me anymore."

Of course Doctor Carlisle, wantin' no secrets between our families, had phoned my Daddy to tell him about the entire 'Jamie' incident. Far from bein' mad at Edward, Daddy had been grateful that he'd 'taught the boy a lesson'.

"He'd never do that, Edward," I assured. "He knows it was Jamie's fault."

Edward gave me an unbelievin' look, "Jamie didn't force me to drink Bella; that was all me."

I wrapped my arms tighter around his neck. "Let's not talk about Jamie."

Edward looked at me sadly, before noddin' his head. "Okay."

_See the west wind move like a lover so upon the fields of barley.  
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth among the fields of gold._

"This song makes me think of summer." Edward said in almost a whisper.

"Hm," I hummed as I listened and closed my eyes.

_I never made promises lightly and there have been some that I've broken,  
But I swear in the days still left we'll walk in fields of gold.  
We'll walk in fields of gold._

*****P*S*****

"I'll race you," I blurted in my giddy excitement as soon as we exited the doors of the all-night diner. As Edward had promised, we'd escaped the dance early. Even after stoppin' for hot cocoa and cheesecake, there was still plenty of time before we _had_ to arrive home.

"Bella, be careful," I heard him call as I raced for the car. It was a silly thing to do while wearin' heels, but I couldn't help how exhilaratin' it felt to be free and able to do whatever we wanted, for a little while longer at least.

As I neared the car, I felt myself start to slide, unknowingly havin' stepped on a patch of ice. I cursed the shoes as I felt myself begin to lose control of my balance; but before I could hit the unforgivin' pavement, two strong arms were wrapped around me, steadyin' me on my feet.

Once I was certain I wouldn't topple over, I turned to face my rescuer. My heart was racin' a mile a minute as I proceeded to nuzzle my face into Edward's neck. He smelt of aftershave, peppermint and chocolate. "Thank you," I whispered as I breathed him in.

"You have to be more careful, I can't always be around to catch you." He breathed the words into my hair before kissin' the top of my head. We just stood there, holdin' onto each other in the brisk night air.

After I calmed down, I began to feel the cold, and a shiver overtook my body. Edward seemed to come to life then. "Let's get you into the car."

Edward put the heat on full blast, tryin' to warm us up as we sat there in the parkin' lot; neither of us anxious to go home quite yet. "I wished we lived closer to each other Bella. I hate the fact that, now that I'm driving, I never get to take you on a real date."

"What's wrong with the next week and a half?" I asked. Although my Daddy would be goin' home the day after Christmas, I was stayin' with the Cullens until New Years. "There will be lots of opportunities to take me out then."

"Are you sure you don't mind missing your time with Alice?"

I didn't mean to, but at his words, I let out a very unladylike snort. "Alice is 'in love' again, I doubt she'll even notice." It was true. Alice fell in love with a different boy approximately every six months. It was hard to keep track sometimes.

He grinned, obviously seein' the truth in my statement.

I kept starin' at him, his face illuminated by the glow of the dashboard. "Do you ever regret us?" It was a stupid question because I already knew what Edward's response would be, so I rephrased it. "I mean; don't you sometimes think about how much easier it would have been if you loved one of the girls in your school instead of me?" It still didn't come out right, but I was hopin' he understood what I was tryin' to ask.

"No Bella," his expression turned serious as he reached for me and cupped my cheek with his hand. "I would not and could not ever regret you. I compare every girl I meet to you. None of them have your smile," he said as his thumb brushed my cheek, "your eyes. Your beautiful laugh…" He blew out a breath and his hand dropped from my face as he sat back in his seat and stared forward through the windshield. "When we're not together, I think about you all the time and I worry that you'll find someone else. The thought keeps me up at night."

"Oh Edward," I whispered as I placed my hand on top of his. "You needn't worry. No one in this world compares to you. I'll love you 'til the day I die." I admitted in a shaky voice.

He stared at my face, his expression intense as he leaned toward me, closin' the distance between us quickly. "I feel the same way Bella." The hand that had been cuppin' my cheek a moment before, reached around and grasped the back of my neck, pullin' me gently toward him until our lips met.

I felt his other arm wrap around my body, pullin' me to him as his mouth opened and his tongue stroked mine slowly, tentatively. I reached both hands under his jacket and around his waist until they were splayed across his back.

Edward's hand slid from my neck downward, pushin' the coat from my shoulder and exposin' the bare skin there.

"God, Bella, I really want to touch you here," he breathed into my mouth as his fingers dipped lower until they traced along the edge of the material which covered my chest. His words caused by heart to beat faster, while other parts of my body came to life; I knew that I wanted it too.

Not even the thought of my Daddy's disapproval could make me stop wantin' it.

I took a deep breath. Then unexpectedly, a little voice sounded in my head, remindin' me that if you let a boy touch your breasts, one thing will lead to another, and you'll end up pregnant. And then the boy will drop you like that plague…

Try as I might, I couldn't remember where I'd heard that…

After deliberatin' for a few seconds, durin' which Edward continued to kiss the exposed skin of my shoulder and neck, I decided that it must have come from somethin' on television, because there was no way those words would have ever passed my Daddy's lips.

Not that he wouldn't agree with them…

I slid my coat off and tossed it to the floor. "Too warm," I whispered as I pulled him to me again.

I breathed in the scent of the boy I loved, and I knew for a fact that the voice in my head was wrong. Edward wasn't like any of those other boys who treated girls badly.

He loved me.

Before I could change my mind, I whispered the words I needed to say. I didn't want to think about it, I just wanted to feel.

"Touch me Edward."

Edward pulled back to look at me and stared, "What?"

I grabbed his hand quickly, coverin' it with my own, and placed it over my breast, on top of the material of my dress.

Edward stared down at his hand and I watched as he swallowed. Hard.

"Touch me," I whispered again just before he pressed his lips to mine.

His hand didn't move, but neither did he pull it away. A lot of thoughts were runnin' through my head. The most prevalent was how nice it felt to have his hand on me. Beyond nice. A little scandalous, and certainly not somethin' our parents would approve of. But, for the first time, neither of us seemed to care what they thought.

I couldn't help but wonder that, if Edward's hand felt this good through the material of my dress, how much better would it feel with nothin' between us?

It was obvious that Edward wasn't goin' to move his hand without permission, so I glanced out of the window; glad we were in a darkened corner of the parkin' lot, before reachin' for the side zipper of my dress and easin' it down slowly. I didn't unzip it all the way, just enough to pull the front of my dress away from my body a little.

"Bella, what are you…?"

"Shh," I whispered as I took his hand again and placed it back on my breast, but this time _under_ the material. I was rewarded with Edward's warm ragged breath on my face as he watched his own hand begin to explore.

His thumb brushed over my nipple, and I gasped at the sensation. I felt… I don't know how I felt. His touch seemed to affect me _down there_ , and I wanted somethin'. Somethin' _more_ … but had no idea what that was. I tried to clear the fog in my brain so that I could think rationally, but all I knew was that I wanted more of his touch… his lips…

I reached for the zipper again and eased it down just a little further before pullin' the top half of my dress away from my body, exposin' my chest to him completely. My brain kept screamin' at me that this was _wrong_ , but my body screamed louder that it was _absolutely right_.

"You're so beautiful," Edward whispered as he continued to touch me before addin' kisses to his touches. I don't know how long we were there, kissin', touchin' and steamin' up the windows of the Volvo before my boyfriend sat up abruptly. "Police," he said in an urgent whisper as he tugged at his seatbelt.

My hands immediately went to my dress, pullin' up the zipper as I glanced around. Sure enough a police car had pulled into a space across from us, and I watched as two officers exited the vehicle. I tensed for a moment, thinkin' that they were goin' to say somethin' to us, visions of my father's disappointed face fillin' my mind.

I breathed out a loud sigh of relief when they walked past the car without a glance in our direction and continued on into the diner.

Edward and I blurted out a laugh at the same moment before he leaned over again and gave me a swift kiss on my lips. "We'd better get home."

**-Summer-Bella, age 15 years…**

_"I gasped as he thrust into me, taking his pleasure while leaving me wanting…"_

"Alice…" tried to interrupt while she pointedly ignored me.

_"The cruel man, so undeserving of the love I felt for him…"_

"Alice…"

_"I knew that even though I loathed the very sight of him, my love was greater still than my hate, and at his request, I would eagerly spread my legs…"_

"Alice!"

She finally stopped readin' and looked up at me. "What? We're just getting to the best part." She said with a frown.

"You said that ten minutes ago; I'm beginnin' to doubt that there's such a thing as a _best part_."

For some reason Alice had gotten on a 'romance novel' kick. She'd brought a couple of them with her, and had been readin' aloud to me every time we were alone in her room. She wasn't shy about readin' the more explicit parts either, which only managed to make me feel uncomfortable.

"I can't believe your mother allows you to read those." I hissed.

Alice shrugged. "She isn't exactly aware, Bella. It's not like I bought them. A group of my friends at school have been passing them around. They belong to one of their Moms."

Even though I'd soon be sixteen, I still didn't know a lot about sex. Edward and I hadn't gone much further 'physically' then we had last Christmas, when he touched and kissed my bare breasts. Although, I _may_ have put my hand on his crotch a few times this summer when I, um, felt his _hardness_ through his shorts… but that was as far as we'd been brave enough to venture.

"Why are you readin' them?"

"I was tired of being ignorant about sex. I'd like to know about it before I decide to _do it_."

My eyes opened wide in surprise. "Are you plannin' to _do it_ with Micah?" I asked in a whisper, referrin' to Alice's latest boyfriend.

Alice made a face. "No way! I'm going to break up with him as soon as we get home. But even if I wasn't, I wouldn't have sex with him. He has small feet."

I was really confused now. "Alice, maybe I'm stupid or somethin', but what does that have to do with anythin'?"

Alice grinned. "It's a well-known fact that the size of a boy's hands and feet are directly proportional to the size of their, you know, _thingy_." She huffed out a breath as she stood and put the book back in the side table drawer. "And I'm not having sex with some guy with a microscopic penis. All the books seem to indicate the bigger it is, the more _pleasurable_ the experience."

A part of me didn't want to have this conversation, but a larger part was more curious than was probably healthy. Edward didn't have small feet or hands, and his _thingy_ definitely hadn't felt what I'd call _small_ …

"But what if it hurts 'cause it's too big?" I asked, feelin' very uncomfortable, thinkin' about my own situation, and not Alice's any more.

"It's supposed to hurt the first time no matter what," she began. "But the jury is out on how _badly_. Only one of my friends has lost her virginity, and she said it didn't hurt at all, but she didn't enjoy it either 'cause her stupid boyfriend finished really fast."

"Huh?"

"You know, he _orgasmed_ like almost immediately, just leaving her hanging." Alice sort of giggled, and I decided I'd heard enough. My head was spinnin' with new concerns that I hadn't had a few minutes before.

With Edward, there had never been any pressure. I could tell that he wanted to do _more_. But the fact that I was not yet sixteen weighed heavily on him, and he would never push. He was a gentleman.

"Don't give me that look Bella Swan," She said with a wicked gleam in her eye. "I'm fully aware that my _brother_ has big feet. _Enormous_ even." She was teasin' now as she laughed at her own joke.

"They are _not_ enormous," I couldn't help laughin' with her as I tossed a pillow at her head.

*****P*S*****

Sometimes, I would find myself starin' at Edward when he wasn't lookin'. Durin' the past year or so, a lot of new feelings and emotions had surfaced and I found it difficult to keep my eyes off of him, especially when he wore nothin' but a swimsuit.

I tried very hard to be inconspicuous, but I know that, especially this summer, he'd caught me lookin' more times then I cared to admit. The thing was that, I'd caught his eyes wanderin' over my body just as often, if not more so.

I hadn't realized that other members of the family were wise to our behavior until one night as we were fallin' asleep, Alice blurted out how uncomfortable it was to be around me and Edward, with our 'ragin' hormones.' I wanted to die of embarrassment, but she merely laughed.

As I sat on a blanket, watchin' the settin' sun reflect off of my boyfriend's perfectly tanned body and bronze, untamed hair, I forced myself to memorize everythin' about him; not carin' who noticed.

The followin' week I'd be back home in Waverly, and I needed to burn this image of Edward into my memory to help me through the many lonely days ahead.

Daniel and Alice's laughter distracted me for a moment, and I turned to watch them throw a Frisbee back and forth by the water's edge.

"I sometimes wish the summer could last forever," Miss Esme said quietly from where she sat beside me. I nodded my head as I turned my attention back to where Edward was startin' the grill. Bein' as it was one of our last nights there, we'd decided to have a cookout on the beach.

"Edward's not the only one who misses you when the summer's over, Bella," she told me with a smile as she patted my hand. "I hope you realize that you're not just Alice's friend or Edward's girlfriend. We consider you part of our family."

I'd been emotional all day at the thought of another summer comin' to an end, and couldn't help but throw my arms around her neck. I was so filled with love for this woman, my surrogate mother. "I feel the same way," I said, my voice catchin' in my throat. "I love you Miss Esme," I whispered as a few tears escaped.

"I love you too, honey."

*****P*S*****

"Let's go for a walk," Edward said as we exited the restaurant where we'd just had dinner. We would be leavin' the next day, and he'd insisted on havin' a 'date night', even though I was not good company. I'd been moody and depressed all day at the thought of returnin' home.

He reached for my hand and pulled me in the opposite direction of the parkin' lot, over to a small coral behind the restaurant, which housed a couple of ponies.

He continued to hold my hand, but gripped the fence with the other as he spoke. "So, you'll probably see me before Christmas," he began, watchin' my face to gauge my reaction. "Mom, Dad and I are going to be visiting a couple of colleges in Richmond."

My heart started beatin' faster in my chest, as I gave him a hopeful smile. "You're really goin' to school in Virginia?" I asked.

He nodded. "Dad wants me to go to school in Pennsylvania, but he also wants me to be happy." He turned to face me and held my hand in both of his. "Bella, I know I won't be happy unless I'm near you."

"Oh, Edward, you managed to say the one thing that could pull me out of my crummy mood," I laughed as my eyes filled with happy tears.

He smiled back and pulled me close. "Just think about it Bella. We'll see each other all the time, and after you graduate, maybe you can attend the same college…"

I bit my lip, knowin' that Daddy couldn't afford anyplace expensive. Edward caught my expression and backtracked, "I'm getting ahead of myself. We'll just have to see what happens. I just wanted you to know that by this time next year, I'll be moving to Virginia."

I squealed in excitement as I threw my arms around his neck. "Oh, Edward, I love you so much."

"I love you too my Bella," he whispered before capturin' my lips with his.

We couldn't have foreseen then what the comin' year would bring, and how all of Edward's best intentions would come to nothin'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little foreshadowing, if you will, of some unpleasant chapters ahead. 
> 
> Not gonna say any more than that.
> 
> Song Rec: 'Fields of Gold', I prefer Eva Cassidy's version, obviously.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Twilight.
> 
> Thanks once again to the gracious and lovely aurellacullen for her beta/prereading work. I'd be lost without her help! Muah!
> 
> This year in Bella's life is so long and involved, that I found I had to split it into two chapters. Here is part 1. (Aurellacullen has suggested a tissue warning).

_**\- Present Day -** _

"Bella, how are you doing, really?" Alice asked from her comfy seat across the table from me, where she sat sipping her giant cup of coffee, "I want the truth please."

The expression on her face, one I'd seen many times before, told me that she would brook no argument.

I let out a breath and my shoulders sagged. "I can't fool you Alice. The truth is, I'm drained," I tried to smile, even as the tears filled my eyes. "It's been so hard trying to do this on my own, and even though it kills me to say it, I have to admit defeat."

Alice grinned and patted my hand comfortingly. "Well, we're here to help now, and Mom and Dad will be arriving tomorrow, and didn't you say Edward will be …."

My ears perked up at that, and I interrupted Alice before she could finish, "Tomorrow? I thought they weren't coming until next week."

"They changed their minds." She leaned forward then, grinning. "I think they're afraid they'll miss something, you know how they are about their grandchildren. And I'm sure that Grace pestered them to come early, she adores the beach."

I nodded and smiled at the thought of seeing Esme and Carlisle again. "What time will they arrive?"

Alice looked contemplative. "It won't be early; they're going to stop by to visit Daniel first."

"Oh. Of course," I immediately lost my smile, and despite Edward's warning from the night before, my mind was suddenly deluged with unpleasant memories of a time in my life that I would give anything to be able to forget…

_**-Autumn-Bella, age 16 years…** _

Tossin'. Turnin'. Dreams that weren't quite nightmares, but weren't pleasant ones either.

I wasn't sure if my subconscious was tryin' to tell me somethin', but I couldn't remember ever havin' such a restless night in my life. I would no sooner drift off to sleep when the dreams would start up again.

Every one began the same, although the physical locations would vary. Edward and me, together and happy, but then each and every time, I would stand by helplessly as he turned away from me with a sad smile on his handsome face, and disappear.

I would wake up disoriented, turn over in my bed, and eventually fall back to sleep, only to be awoken the next time that Edward vanished.

The last time it happened, I was dreamin' that we were at the beach. Edward and I were runnin' along holdin' hands and laughin', until we were out of sight of his family. It was somethin' we'd done often enough in reality. We would smile at one another and then sneak a kiss or two.

As I stood there, enjoyin' the feel of his lips on mine, Edward's attention was suddenly drawn to a solitary figure standin' a good distance away, at the water's edge.

When I took a closer look at what had distracted him, I realized he was starin' at his brother. Daniel smiled and gave us a little wave before turnin' and walkin' away. Edward stared after him for a long moment before lettin' go of me, and turnin' to follow him.

I wanted to go with them, but couldn't force my legs to move. My feet felt like dead weights keepin' me in place. I called after Edward, but he never acknowledged me, and never slowed his pace.

Just as I called his name for the last time, I heard him let out an anguished cry and drop to his knees in the sand. He leaned forward and clutched the sides of his head with both hands in a gesture of absolute despair.

My eyes flew open in a panic, and I sat straight up in bed. As I gasped for air, I took in my familiar surroundings in an attempt to ground myself. It was still dark, but the nightlight in the bathroom made it possible to see that I was in my room; everythin' was as I had left it the evenin' before. I could see my backpack lyin' beside the desk, my shoes and jeans in a heap in front of my closet door.

Even faced with the proof that I'd been merely dreamin', I couldn't shake the image from my mind of Edward on that beach, his body contorted in agony.

I glanced at the clock beside my bed and noted that it was just before five. Knowin' that it was too early to call Edward, but desperately needin' to calm my nerves, I decided to go downstairs and have a cup of tea.

After climbin' quietly from my bed, I made my way to the kitchen. Halfway down the stairs, I could hear my father movin' around, and wondered for a moment if I'd misread the clock.

_He's supposed to be at work by now…_

When I entered the room and found him at the table, stirrin' his coffee with one hand while he cradled his head in the other, I knew somethin' was terribly wrong.

After years of it bein' just the two of us in this house, I knew my father too well. I knew his routine, his moods, and the way he coped with stress. He had somethin' huge pressin' down on him, the weight almost too much for him to bear.

I contemplated returnin' to my room, not knowin' if I had the strength to face whatever he had been tryin' to work up the courage to tell me.

Instead I cleared my throat to let him know I was there. "Daddy, I thought you had to work today?"

He looked up at me, his eyes red-rimmed as he drew in a deep breath.

"Come sit by me baby," he gestured weakly to the chair beside him.

A knot formed in my stomach as I forced myself to walk stiffly over to the chair. As terrified as I was, I knew I needed to hear the worst of it.

"Daddy?" I asked in a whisper.

"I was planning to wake you soon," he said, reachin' to cover my hand with one of his. Then, in a surprisin' gesture he took that hand and grasped it between both of his. They were rough and warm like always, but not comfortin' like he'd intended.

I could barely breathe as I braced myself for what was comin' next.

"Bella, I got a phone call a couple of hours ago. There's been an  _accident_ ," at his words, I was certain that my heart stopped beatin'. "It was from Carlisle's brother. He was calling friends and other family members to let them know that…"

Daddy cleared his throat before forcin' out the words, "Last night, at the school football game, some stupid kid, looking to get even with someone else, brought a gun. Somehow, Daniel and Edward were in the wrong place at the wrong time…" Daddy shook his head like he couldn't believe what he was about to say.

_Oh God…_

"Daniel got shot baby…"

"What?" I answered automatically.

Daddy just stared as I took a breath, my mind workin' out what his words meant. Or at least what I  _wanted_ them to mean.

"But… alright, that means he's in the hospital. He's goin' to be okay right?" By the lost expression in my father's eyes, I already knew the answer, but I hoped that by sayin' the words aloud, I could somehow make them true. "We need to go and see him," the desperation clearly soundin' in my voice.

Daddy kept a hold of my hand as he shook his head.

_No…_

_No!_

I shook my head right back at him as the tears filled my eyes. "Daddy, no. Daniel's got to be okay. It's not even possible for him not to be okay…" My voice caught in my throat as I pleaded with my Daddy to make this right.

_Please_

"I'm so sorry I have to tell you this," his voice cracked with emotion, "But Bella; he didn't make it baby. They worked on him for a long time, but they weren't able to save him."

I stared at my father in disbelief. "I don't understand." I didn't. It felt as if I'd had the wind knocked out of me. What he'd told me made no sense at all. It had to be a mistake. Daniel couldn't be gone. He was still a child. He would be turnin' thirteen next month and was plannin' a big birthday party to celebrate…

I was goin' to fly up for it…

_Who the hell brings a gun to a football game anyway?_

_They have security at those things don't they?_

_Don't they?_

_This isn't happenin'._

_Just… no._

"But…" I swallowed around the lump in my throat as the tears escaped my eyes.

I don't know how long I sat there, as a thousand different reasons why this shouldn't be happenin' played through my mind.

I didn't notice when my body began to tremble. I didn't notice when my Daddy pulled me onto his lap, cradlin' me against his chest like a small child as I sobbed.

_Twelve year olds don't die_

Well I suppose they did, but not Daniel Cullen. He was so full of life, always happy, always smilin'.

_And Edward…._

_Edward was with him..._

_Oh God…_

I could only imagine what Edward was goin' through. The sobs came louder and harder as I thought of the boy I loved, and his pain.

Almost as an afterthought I remembered Alice, Esme and Carlisle.

The guilt hit me hard when I realized that my first concern was for Edward without even a thought for the man and woman I loved like my own parents, and their daughter who was my very best friend in the world.

It was all too much…

Too much for my mind to comprehend.

Too much for my heart to endure.

My stomach churned and I bolted from my father's lap, barely makin' it to bathroom where I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet.

_***P.S.***_

Durin' the ride to Pennsylvania, my mind began to slowly accept what my father had told me.

I tried unsuccessfully to think about anythin' other than Daniel.

I thought over the items I'd hurriedly packed in my suitcase.

_A black skirt and white blouse…_

They were the closest things I had to 'mournin' attire'.

_Mournin'_

_Was I in mournin'?_

I didn't know. There was a part of me that still held out hope that once we arrived in Pennsylvania, we would discover that all this had been a terrible, awful mistake.

The larger part of me dreaded our arrival. I knew that as soon as I saw the Cullens, there would be no denyin' that this was all  _too_  real.

_How could I face them and their pain?_

_How could I face Edward's?_

_How could I not?_

I loved him. I loved  _them._ They were as much my family as my Daddy…

That was the moment when the wall I'd kept around my heart all mornin' came crashin' down as memories of Daniel flooded my mind.

I loved Daniel too. I loved him as if he were my own brother. How could life ever be the same without him?

The answer was that it couldn't.

I turned my face toward the window and let the tears fall silently.

_****Flashback**Daniel age 3** _

" _Thunder Thunder Thunder Thundercats!" Daniel shouted, causin' us to turn and look in his direction._

_Alice and I laughed so hard at the sight of Daniel, standin' in the doorway wearin' nothin' but his underwear and a tiger mask while wavin' a plastic sword, that we almost fell off the bed._

" _Daniel Thomas Cullen, you come back here right now and get in this bathtub." Miss Esme hollered from the direction of her bathroom, causin' Daniel to let out a scream and run away._

_*****End flashback***** _

I glanced at the passin' cars; every now and then wonderin' where they were goin' on a Saturday mornin'. I had no doubt their plans were pleasant ones…

Oh how I wished that mine were.

_Mornings in April  
Sharing our secrets  
We'd walk until the morning was gone.  
We were like children  
Laughing for hours  
The joy you gave me lives on and on._

_'Cause I know you by heart._

_*****Flashback***Daniel Age 9***** _

_Alice had no sooner exited the room when Daniel spoke, never takin' his eyes from the screen in front of him or releasin' the game controller he held in his hands. "Alice said that Edward's your boyfriend?" He said it more as a question than a statement of fact._

_I shrugged, "I don't really know anymore…"_

_Daniel cut his eyes at me before goin' back to starin' at the screen, "If I was your boyfriend, I wouldn't leave you to go play laser tag with stupid Jamie Hunter." He said in a huff._

_I couldn't stop my lips from turnin' up into a small sad smile._

_*****End flashback***** _

I swallowed hard and fought the sick feelin' in my stomach, not wantin' Daddy to have to stop the car, not wantin' to delay our arrival by a single minute.

Now that we were on our way, I wanted desperately to be with the Cullens; to hug them, to grieve with them. I needed to see Edward. I needed to know that he was okay.

_Okay? What is wrong with me?_

_He's never goin' to be okay…_

_None of us are._

I took a deep breath and watched the miles fly by.

_Midnights in Winter  
The glowing fire  
Lights up your face in orange and gold.  
I see your sweet smile  
Shine through the darkness  
Its line is etched in my memory._

_So I'd know you by heart._

_*****Flashback** Daniel Age 12***** _

" _Merry Christmas Bella," Daniel said with a smile as he handed me a small gift, "This one's from me."_

_I opened the tiny package to find a small silver tiger charm inside._

" _I know the tigers were your favorite…" He said. I looked up to find him blushin'._

" _Oh Daniel, I love it." I told him with a smile as I threw my arms around his neck, givin' him a hug. "Thank you so much, I'm goin' to put it on my bracelet right now."_

_By the time I released him, the blush had travelled all the way to his ears._

_*****End flashback***** _

When Daddy pulled into the rest stop, I robotically climbed from the car and went inside. The girl that looked back at me from the reflection in the mirror was barely recognizable. It was obvious she's been cryin'. Her hair was a mess. Her eyes hollow…

I splashed some water on my face, but gave up on straightenin' my hair.

"Honey, are you okay?" A woman, a stranger, asked with concern. I looked at her reflection standin' beside my own, worry evident in her eyes. Heaven only knows what she thought was wrong with me. "Do you need help?"

Normally, a moment like this would send my mind racin' with all the possibilities. She probably worried that I'd been kidnapped or was a runaway. I would never want anyone to think badly of my Daddy, so I would animatedly reassure her that I was perfectly fine.

But… I wasn't fine.

"I'm…" I looked down at the sink, starin' at nothin'.

I felt her hand touch my arm. "Please, let me help you…"

The feel of her hand on me caused my head to snap up and I turned to look at her. "No, I'm sorry. It's not what you think…"

I took a deep breath, not wantin' to say the words, not wantin' to make this real, and not wantin' to waste another moment that I needed to be with Edward… and Alice…

"I've got to go. Um, family emergency." With those words I bolted from the restroom and back to the car where Daddy was waitin'.

_I still hear your voice  
On warm Summer nights  
Whispering like the wind._

_*****Flashback*** Daniel age 12***** _

" _Ask Daniel about his 'girlfriend'," Alice made air quotes with her fingers and giggled._

_Daniel looked down, his eyes glued to the sand._

" _Stop it Alice," Edward scolded gently._

" _Oh come on, she's really cute." Alice continued while Daniel got up and walked into the water, up to his knees._

_I gave Alice a hard look before standin' to follow him._

" _Hey." I said quietly once I stood beside him._

" _Hey." He answered._

" _Don't let Alice embarrass you," I told him. "You know better than I do how she is."_

_He nodded, but remained silent._

_After a few minutes, I spoke again. "So, what's her name?"_

_I watched as his shoulders stiffened. "Daniel, I'm not goin' to tease you. For heaven's sake, I was only ten when Edward asked me to be his girlfriend. If there's someone special in your life, I'd like to meet her."_

_Daniel cleared his throat and peered over at me, "Promise not to tell Alice?"_

" _Cross my heart," I said with a giggle as I did exactly that with my finger._

_Daniel laughed. "Her name's Shannon. She's really pretty and quiet. I like her, but she's not really my girlfriend." He shrugged. "Maybe she will be though…"_

_I smiled at him. "Does she like you?"_

_He nodded, "Yeah, she does."_

_Suddenly, I noticed a large wave rollin' toward us, I turned to face away from it, and Daniel did the same. We both laughed as it broke against our backs._

_I'd been so preoccupied with our conversation, that I hadn't noticed Edward sneakin' up on me until it was too late. The next thing I knew, he was scoopin' me up in his arms and carryin' me away from Daniel into deeper water, as I laughed and screamed in protest._

_*****End flashback***** _

As we turned onto the street where the Cullens lived, Daddy reached over and patted my hand, in a gesture meant to be both comfortin' and reassurin'.

I looked around me, takin' note of the beautiful homes with their manicured lawns; each one graced with large trees whose leaves were alight with vibrant fall colors. Everythin' on the surface appeared calm, peaceful and serene; just as it had every time I'd visited.

_You left in Autumn  
The leaves were turning  
I walked down roads of orange and gold.  
I saw your sweet smile  
I heard your laughter  
You're still here beside me every day._

' _Cause I know you by heart,_

_***P*S***_

So many people…

The driveway was crowded with cars that overflowed and lined both sides of the street in front of the house.

Daddy parked in front of a house two doors down from the Cullens'. While we walked, I reached out to hold his hand, clingin' to him; needin' his strength.

As we got closer, I could see groups of people huddled together between the cars in the driveway. The first group appeared to be young, probably Daniel's age; the others were older, closer to Edward's and Alice's.

Some were cryin'.

All were distraught.

They gave us mournful looks as we passed. By this time, I was functionin' on autopilot, just goin' where my Daddy led me, dreadin' what I had to face; tremblin', knowin' that at any moment I was sure to fall apart.

We let ourselves in through the front door without knockin'. The foyer was filled with people. Just like the ones outside; they were huddled in groups, holdin' whispered conversations.

Once inside, Carlisle; who had been speakin' with another man, rushed over to us.

"Charlie," he said as he shook my Daddy's hand with a heavy sigh, and pulled him into a hug.

"Carlisle… I'm so sorry." Daddy's voice broke and Carlisle patted his back.

"So am I, Charlie," he answered as he let go of Daddy and pulled me close. "Bella, honey; I'm glad you're here."

I couldn't say anythin', the tears were streamin' down my face. I knew that if I opened my mouth, the only sound that would come out would be sobs.

"Come on honey, Esme said she wants to see you as soon as you arrive," as much as he had to be hurtin', Carlisle tried to give me a small smile.

He guided me and Daddy into the livin' room. There, seated on the sofa, was Esme; her face pale and her eyes red and swollen, as she held a weepin' Alice against her side.

"There they are," Esme exclaimed as she reached out with the arm that wasn't around Alice. "Charlie, thank you so much for coming, and thank you for bringing Bella to us."

I quickly moved to sit beside her. She pulled me close, holdin' me tight against her side as she kissed the top of my head. "Oh Bella baby," She began in a whisper. "Did they tell you what's happened sweetie?"

I nodded against her shoulder.

"We've lost our little boy Bella." Her voice broke and a sob escaped as Alice and I held onto her. "He's gone. I don't know what to do…" She took a shaky breath, "There's got to be something I can do…" She looked up at my Daddy who was still standin' by Carlisle, lookin' lost. "We have to take care of our children Charlie. Make sure you keep this angel safe…"

Alice reached over and grabbed my hand and held onto it tightly.

I don't know how long we sat there cryin' and holdin' each other before Carlisle interrupted. "Esme sweetheart, I think Bella may want to freshen up after her trip…"

Esme looked remorseful as she turned to me. "Oh, of course sweetheart, I'm sorry," she ran her hand over my cheek. "You go upstairs and I'll see you a little later on."

I leaned down and kissed her cheek. "I love you Esme."

"You've never called me  _Esme_ before _._ " She whispered. "I think it's time though," she smiled softly. "I love you too Bella."

"Where's Edward?" I asked as soon as Carlisle and I were on the stairs and out of earshot of most of the guests. I was sick with worry when I didn't find him downstairs, but couldn't find it in my heart to pull away from Esme and Alice.

"Bella," Carlisle stopped walkin' and turned to face me once we were at the top of the stairs. "He's locked himself in his room." Carlisle looked completely broken as he explained, "As soon as we arrived home from the hospital, he came up here. He wouldn't let me in; he wouldn't even talk to me until I threatened to take the door off of the hinges. Then, he at least decided to answer so that I knew he was still  _alive._ " Carlisle rubbed his hands roughly over his face as he tried not to lose control.

"Everything has fallen apart. Thank God my brother and his wife were with us; I couldn't have handled Esme and Alice otherwise." He leaned back against the wall, the exhaustion and stress evident on his face. "I had to give Esme and Alice a mild sedative; they're still feeling the effects of it. But I don't know what to do for Edward if he won't even let me in," With those words, I watched Carlisle fall to pieces in front of me, the tears escapin' his eyes. "I've already lost one child…"

I reached for him and rubbed his arm soothingly as he wept into his hand.

"Let me try and talk to him." I whispered once he'd calmed.

He nodded and watched as, on shaky legs, I approached Edward's door. I knocked, but knew that wouldn't grant me access. He had to hear my voice. "Edward, it's Bella, please let me in."

Silence.

"Edward?"

A few seconds later I heard the click of the lock, just before the door slowly swung open.

The sight that greeted me was somethin' I would remember for the rest of my life. Edward stood in the doorway, his hair more disheveled than usual and his shoulders slumped. Tears filled my eyes as he stared blankly back at me.

He was broken…

"Oh my God Edward," Carlisle gasped from behind me.

Edward's eyes shot to his father's face. "No," he strangled out as he attempted to close the door again.

I threw my body against it to keep it open. "Stop, Edward."

"Just, not Dad… he can't see me like this," he said in a broken whisper.

"Carlisle, why don't you go back downstairs? I'll take care of him." I said softly.

I didn't think Carlisle could look any sadder than he did at that moment. He nodded before turnin' toward the stairs.

Once inside Edward's room, I locked the door and pulled him to me.

The deep wrenchin' sobs that took over his body as I held him nearly broke me. The force of the pain emanatin' from him was so powerful, so strong, that the air of the room was thick with it.

I let him cry.

I cried with him.

I held him.

We held each other.

Once the sobs had quieted, I pulled back to look at him.

My stomach lurched at the sight of the blood on his t-shirt. It wasn't a lot, but was enough to cause me to be concerned.

"Edward," I spoke soothingly as I touched the side of his face.

He didn't answer, but I knew he could hear me.

"Edward, the blood; are you hurt?"

He took a deep shudderin' breath and whispered the words that almost brought me to my knees. "It's Daniel's."

"Oh God." I pulled him against me once more and kissed his cheek. "Edward. Come with me," I said as I pulled him by the hand, leadin' him toward his bathroom.

Once inside, I put the lid down on the toilet and guided him until he was seated there. I stood in front of him and ran my fingers through his hair, not so much to tame it, as to soothe him. I could feel his warm breath through my t-shirt as he leaned his face against my stomach.

"Edward, I need you to help me remove your shirt."

He nodded slightly, lettin' me know he'd heard. As I lifted the blood-stained shirt over his head, I noticed the streaks of blood on his arms. I could only imagine what he'd gone through for them to be there. In the muted light of his bedroom, I hadn't noticed the blood on his jeans. I coaxed him to stand and removed those as well. "I don't know where my jacket went," he whispered as he stared at the wall. "I took it off and put it under Daniel's head…"

I swallowed down the lump in my throat as I turned on the water in the shower.

Edward stood by the shower door in only his boxerbriefs, one hand braced against the wall as I quietly undressed beside him. When I was left in only my bra and panties, I pulled him with me.

Once under the warm spray of the shower, he relaxed and leaned into me as all physical traces of the ordeal he'd lived through were washed away.

I spent the next several hours simply carin' for him, keepin' him with me, not allowin' him to slip away.

_***P*S***_

"He wasn't even supposed to be with me," Edward's hoarse whisper sounded in my ear as we lay together in his bed. It had been so long since he'd spoken, that I jumped a little at the sound of his voice. "Last night."

I closed my eyes, not wantin' to hear, but knowin' that Edward needed to say it.

"He was supposed to go with his friends to the movies. The plans were cancelled last minute as one of them had a virus or something…" He forced several deep breaths in and out before speakin' again. "So he came with me to the game. We were leaving; the game over, when Jamie stopped me in the parking lot. I realized right away that he was drunk. As soon as he started talking shit about you, I walked away because I knew I'd get in trouble if I punched him. But he followed…"

I felt Edward's arms tighten around me then.

"It all happened so fast, some guy I vaguely recognized from school came out from between the parked cars and started threatening Jamie. I had no idea what was going on. I just wanted to get away from there and go home. I didn't even see the gun." He turned his head until he was breathin' into my hair. "Someone pushed me and I heard the shot."

_Jamie Hunter_

Would he never cease to plague our existence?

As I discovered later, Jamie had gotten some girl pregnant and then dumped her. She'd attempted suicide. Her brother went straight from the hospital to the football field when he discovered that Jamie would be at that game.

He waited for hours in that parkin' lot to confront him.

Even though he was drunk at the time, Jamie's reflexes had been good enough for him to jump away from the gun, crashin' into Edward. The bullet found the only standin' target.

From that day on, two families would never be the same. One child had lost his life; another his freedom, and all because of the actions of Jamie Hunter.

_***P*S***_

"He looks like an angel," Esme breathed as she ran her fingers along the collar of Daniel's shirt. Her eyes were glassy tonight, and I knew that she'd been medicated again.

So had Alice.

Poor Carlisle looked as if he needed to be.

Edward refused the help his father offered. He said he wanted to feel every bit of the pain.

No matter what I said, I couldn't sway him to change his mind.

My Daddy kept givin' me sympathetic looks. I could tell he was worried about me.

I sighed and looked down at Daniel in the casket while Edward kept a fierce grip on my hand.

It was the single most surreal moment of my entire life.

_***P*S***_

" _God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,  
Courage to change the things which should be changed,  
and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other._

_Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time,  
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,_

_Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,  
Not as I would have it,_

_Trusting that You will make all things right, if I surrender to Your will,  
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with You forever in the next._

_Amen."_

The minister finished readin' and closed his book. "That prayer was chosen by the Cullen family with the hope that it brings God's comfort and grace to those who knew and loved Daniel."

"Friends and family, as we gather together today, it is our fervent hope that the Lord will hear our prayers and begin to heal our troubled hearts, as we entrust our brother, Daniel Thomas Cullen into His loving arms."

"We ask for patience with each other and patience with ourselves as we leave this place and begin our lives without our beloved Daniel's physical presence. But, we know that Daniel is not truly gone from us. He is waiting in a place where we cannot yet follow."

"We would like to thank our Lord for the gift of Daniel in our lives. The time was far too short, but we thank Him for Daniel's kindness, his laughter, and his love, which we will cherish in our hearts forever."

Edward had been functionin' on auto-pilot for two days. I'd managed to get him to dress and to eat, but the rest of the time he just wanted to sleep or hold me as he lay awake in his bed. I couldn't see that my presence was helpin'much, but he said he couldn't have made it through the viewin' and the funeral without me.

Now, as we sat in the church, listenin' to the minister speak of a life taken too soon, I felt as if I may finally have reached my breakin' point. This moment here, where we're asked to understand because it's  _God's will,_ may finally be the thing that breaks me.

Edward's body, warm against my side reminded me of the reason I was here, and my mind calmed. I loved Daniel. I loved his family, and I loved Edward more than my life.

I needed to be here for them, to help them say goodbye; and for myself, knowin' that Daniel would carry a piece of my heart with him forever.

_***P*S***_

The limo pulled into the cemetery and we began the long mournful procession to the grave. It appeared as if every student from Daniel's, as well as Edward's and Alice's schools lined the walkway as we passed.

I glanced around at Edward's family, the worry and grief of the last few days etched upon each beautiful face.

How would they ever come back from this?

How would any of us?

At the end of the service, Esme and Carlisle both broke down as they lay their flowers on the casket. Edward helped his father, while Alice and I helped Esme ,make their way back down the path toward the limo.

Once we were inside, the car pulled away and passed silently from the gravesite.

I was surprised to see two groups of people apparently shoutin' angrily back and forth on either side of the cemetery gates as we passed through, and even more surprised to see they were bein' filmed by what must have been a local television news crew.

I let my eyes focus on the banners each side held in their hands, and realized that the limo was bein' flanked by both pro-gun and anti-gun protestors.

_What the hell?_

"Protestors at a funeral," Carlisle's brother muttered as he shook his head in disgust. "Now I've seen everything."

Esme sniffled. "They're attempting to use my son's death for some political advantage?" She asked in a small heartbroken voice as she shook her head. "I don't understand the human race… not at all."

_***P*S***_

Daddy left the day after the funeral, but he fixed things with my school so that I could stay until the weekend.

As sad as things were around the Cullen house, I didn't look forward to goin' home. While I was with him, Edward functioned. Obviously he wasn't himself, but he didn't fight me when I prompted him to eat or shower or make an effort.

Left alone, I was afraid of what he would do.

Or more precisely, what he wouldn't do…

Carlisle was already handlin' so much with Esme and Alice, that I knew my presence was a great comfort to him. At least that was what he told me often enough.

Of all the days followin' the funeral, Friday night was the worst. The high school had sent word that the game that Friday was cancelled out of respect for the Cullen family.

With the settin' of the sun that evenin', a quiet creepin' despair settled on the house as each member of the family thought back to the events of a week before.

Edward drifted into an uneasy sleep that night, thrashin' around on the bed and wakin' up more than once in a cold sweat. I spent most of the night tryin' to calm him, but it seemed like I was fightin' a losin' battle.

"It's all my fault," he whispered between nightmares. "All my fault. If I hadn't ever been friends with that stupid fucking Jamie, none of this would have happened."

He turned his head into the pillow as deep gaspin' sobs escaped his body.

"Edward no, no," I argued while rubbin' his back; tryin' to talk some sense into him. "You can't blame yourself for what happened…"

"I can and I do," he answered in a hoarse voice. "How am I going to do it Bella? How am I going to get up every damned day and face the pain in my parents' eyes? And in Alice's, knowing that I'm the cause?"

"Edward, please," I was cryin' right along with him, but nothin' I said helped. He was determined to hate himself. "Don't do this to yourself…"

His cryin' quieted after a while and I thought he'd fallen asleep before he spoke again. "I don't deserve you."

I took a deep breath. "Yes you do."

"No," he insisted. "I don't deserve anything good."

"Edward what happened is not your fault." I gasped in desperation, "Can't you try to see that it was just a horrible, tragic  _accident?_ Blame the boy who pulled the trigger, blame Jamie if you want, but  _please,_ don't blame yourself."

He never answered me, and he never went back to sleep.

Two days later, we held each other in the lobby of the airport, neither wantin' to let go.

"If you need me, call. I can be here in five hours." I whispered in his ear as tears streamed down my face.

It didn't matter that I didn't have my license yet; I would find a way to be with him…

He nodded. "I'll be okay. I'm just going to concentrate on school, and I'll see you at Christmas." He answered quietly before kissin' me once more.

I walked away from him with a heavy heart, takin' one last glance at my broken boy before turnin' to board my plane.

Durin' the flight home, I openly wept as I remembered those warm, carefree summer days, when all I needed to cure my achin' heart was a popsicle given to me by the boy who owned my heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously, in the 'present day' Alice is speaking of her parents visiting Daniel's grave before coming to Virginia.
> 
> I can think of nothing harder to endure than the loss of a child. When my nephew died during his senior year of high school, I couldn't imagine the family healing and moving past that moment. Parents having to bury their child, Grandparents whose hearts were broken. A sister losing her only brother. It was excruciatingly painful to live through.
> 
> The saying that time heals all wounds is true to some extent…although the scars remain forever.
> 
> It won't be a terribly long wait for part 2.
> 
> Song Rec: 'I Know You By Heart' by Eva Cassidy
> 
> I'll be on Facebook as Annie Author Vandv, and in the group Emmamama's Stories.


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Twilight.
> 
> Thanks once again to the gracious and lovely aurellacullen for her beta/prereading work. I'd be lost without her! Muah! 
> 
> Are you still with me? I hope I didn't lose anyone last chapter. I wish I could say that the angst is over… 
> 
> This is the last time we will have a 'present day' to open the chapter. (I will explain next chapter)  
> Here is a continuation of the year in Bella's life which was started in chapter 9.

 

_**\- Present Day -** _

"Have you been crying?" I could tell he was worried even though I couldn't see his face.

I sniffled. There was no point trying to deny it. "A little."

"Bella, why?" his voice soft, but filled with concern.

I sighed. "I don't know. This place, my hormones, and I suppose visiting with Alice didn't help. Our talk brought back a lot of sad memories." I paused and sniffled again.

"Don't dwell on the past Bella. I speak from experience here, remember. It will mire you down so far that you can't see your future anymore." He didn't say anything for a long moment, "Baby, our life isn't perfect, no one's is, but it's pretty damned close; and at this point, if given the opportunity, I don't know if I'd change anything that brought us here."

"Nothing?" I asked, surprised.

He was quiet for a long moment. "Probably not. I couldn't guarantee that I would have what I have now if I did. Call me selfish, but that's how I feel."

"You're not selfish."

"Hmm. Right now I'm just about ready to say screw this and drive out there tonight just to hold you. I hate to hear that you're sad."

"It's my own fault." I admitted. "I should have listened to you."

He chuckled. "I won't argue with that. But I'm serious here, should I drive down tonight?"

I took a deep breath, "I'm fine, you have commitments there," I answered in a brighter voice in an attempt to mask the truth. "Besides; I'll see you tomorrow night anyway."

"Don't say you're fine. You're _not_ fine."

"Really, I am. I promise."

"Damn it Bella, you always do that."

"Do what?"

"Lie to keep others from worrying about you. You don't have to carry the world on your shoulders you know. You're allowed to fall apart every once in a while, only please do it when I'm there to put you back together." His voice was low, pleading. He cleared his throat. "I need you to do me a favor."

That was unexpected. "Anything, you know that."

"I want you to go to sleep, and focus on the happy times ahead, not the past that we can't change. It's not healthy."

"Okay," I breathed into the phone. "I will."

"Good."

He grew quiet, I knew he was struggling, probably still wanting to hop in the car and come to me.

"The kids miss you," I said in a small voice.

"I miss them." I could hear his slow intake of breath. "And I miss you too, so much."

"Tomorrow night."

"Tomorrow." He answered.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

I really tried to think about our future as he'd requested, but the memories that had been dredged up earlier, weighed heavily on my mind. The genie was out of the bottle, so to speak, and I found myself unable to sleep as the memories of the months after Daniel's death plagued me.

I remembered well the first time that Edward drove down alone to see me. It was the weekend his brother would have celebrated his thirteenth birthday. Sadly, Daniel would never live to see the age of thirteen, or celebrate with a party he'd been excitedly looking forward to…

In our hearts and memories he would forever remain a boy of twelve…

_**-Autumn-Bella, age 16 years…** _

It was close to midnight when Edward pulled into our driveway. As soon as he got out of his car, I was in front of him, throwin' my arms around his neck. He never said a word; but merely held onto me as he buried his face into my hair, seemin' to breathe me in. I did the same.

He smelled faintly of body wash and somethin' else which I couldn't place immediately. Then I remembered the drunken night he'd spent on the floor of Alice's room at the beach.

I was certain he hadn't been drinkin' while drivin', but he had been drinkin' at some point durin' that day. Knowin' that he was dealin' with so much already, I took the cowardly route and decided not to confront him about it.

Not yet anyway.

We stood holdin' onto each other for some time, until the bite of the chill night air caused me to shiver.

I pulled back then, took his hand in mine and led him into the house.

"Where's your Dad?" He asked with a rough voice, as we stepped over the threshold.

"He's workin' tonight," I answered before turnin' to face him, once we were inside.

The sight which greeted my eyes nearly broke my heart. His clothin' was disheveled, which I could understand after the long drive, but he was also in need of a haircut, and had several days growth of stubble on his chin. But, it was his beautiful face, bearin' signs of care and worry that I'd never seen there before, that brought an immediate lump to my throat. "Oh Edward, you look awful."

He didn't even try to deny it. Instead he merely nodded and hung his head. "I know."

After brushin' his hair back from his eyes with my fingertips, I took his hand in mine again and guided him to the sofa. He sat down, never lettin' go of my hand and pulled me down beside him.

Obviously sittin' next to him wasn't enough. "You're too far away," he murmured before pullin' me closer. Eventually, I found myself seated sideways across his lap, our arms wrapped around each other as I rested my head on his shoulder. I couldn't help but be reminded of spendin' almost the entire week after Daniel's death in practically this same position.

We sat quietly until the silence was disturbed by the sound of Edward's stomach growlin' loudly. "Edward, when's the last time you ate?"

He looked away, preferrin' to stare at a spot on the floor rather than my face. "Earlier today."

"Did you have supper?"

He shook his head. "Sometimes I forget to eat."

"Edward," I scolded. "You promised me." My tone pleadin', "You promised when I left that you'd take care of yourself."

"I know, but…"

"No buts. How would you feel if I just gave up like you're doin'?" Tears of anger and frustration filled my eyes, as the feelin' of helplessness I'd had since Daniel's death tightened its grip around my heart.

I stood abruptly and tugged at his arm. "Come."

He followed silently as I led him to the kitchen. There, seated in my Daddy's chair, he ate a dinner of leftover chicken and rice.

Even I, young and naïve as I was, knew that Edward's behavior wasn't normal. To grieve would be expected, even necessary, but to wallow in depression to the point that you forget to take care of yourself… that was a cry for help.

"Edward?"

"Hm?"

"Why won't you see a counselor?" I knew through my conversations with Alice that, even though the other members of the family were attendin' regular sessions with a grief counselor, Edward had vehemently refused. Coward that I was, I had never broached the subject durin' our phone conversations.

He let out a breath. "I'm seeing one next week."

_This was news._

My eyebrows shot up in surprise, he noticed and answered my unspoken question, "Dad said I couldn't come see you unless I agreed to it."

_Oh._

At that moment I was more thankful than I'd ever been for Edward's father.

"I'm glad," I whispered.

He looked at me and swallowed hard. "I'm sorry. I just… I don't know how I'm going to talk to a stranger about my feelings, when I can't even tell you…"

"Edward," I cut him off. He didn't need to explain himself to me. "You know I am here for you. When and if you're ready to talk to me."

He nodded but didn't answer. I didn't press him. This weekend would be difficult enough.

_***P*S***_

Daddy had given instructions that Edward was to sleep on the sofa. But in the end, I made him lie down with me in my bed. That was how Daddy found us when he arrived home from work early the next mornin'.

His sigh from my bedroom doorway was what woke me. I turned to see him watchin' Edward. There was no detectable anger in his expression, only sadness. When he caught my eye, he sighed again and turned away, disappearin' into his room.

Saturday was better. Edward seemed well rested and was more himself.

Early in the day, he used one of Daddy's razors and disposed of the stubble. After that, I was able to coax him into allowin' me to cut his hair. A slight smile tugged at his lips when he looked in the mirror and saw the reflection of what almost appeared to be his old self gazin' back.

We went for a drive and I showed him my high school and the rest of the town, such as it was. He asked questions about the boys he was certain were pursuin' me, and we even laughed and smiled together from time to time.

It was somethin' I'd sorely missed.

"Do you realize that we haven't been on a date since summer? I want to take you out to dinner," he announced with a sweet smile while I was sortin' laundry.

I couldn't help but smile back.

That evenin' found us happily seated at a table by a window in the Virginia Diner. We laughed and talked as we ate. Edward ate a big dinner, and even had a slice of homemade pie for dessert. Things were almost as they were before.

_Almost_

I couldn't help but wonder if he was forcin' himself to appear normal for my sake.

When he finished eatin', he looked up at me, his expression tender. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Just being you." He fought against them, but I could see the tears fillin' his eyes. "Things are so much better when I'm with you."

"No need to thank me," I whispered. "I love you."

"I love you too Bella. So, so much." He clasped my hand in his where they rested on top of the table.

That night was the most difficult of the entire weekend, especially after Edward took a phone call from his mother. I don't know what exactly was said, but after he finished, Edward disappeared outside. When he hadn't returned by the time Daddy left for work, I went searchin' and found him seated in his car, drinkin'.

I silently opened the passenger door and climbed in beside him.

"Hey," I whispered.

"Hey," he answered, but wouldn't look at me before takin' a swig from the bottle.

I didn't even want to ask how he'd acquired it.

"You want to talk about it?"

He shrugged and turned, starin' through his window into the darkness. "Not really."

We sat in silence for a while before he spoke again.

"I don't mean to shut you out Bella," he began, his words a little slurred and I wondered how much of the bottle he'd downed before I got there. It was too dark in the car to be able to tell, especially from where it sat in his lap with his hands wrapped around it.

"She called to see how I was." He laughed bitterly. "She _worries_ about me."

I frowned, waitin' for him to continue.

He glanced over at me, "My Mom." He sighed and turned to stare out the window again, as his shoulders slumped in defeat. "I could tell she'd been crying and Dad, most likely, had given her _something_ to help her relax _._ " He set the bottle on the floor between his feet before runnin' his hands roughly over his face. "She'll probably become a fucking drug addict, and it will all be my fault…"

"Edward," I whispered. "Please don't do this…"

"It's already been _done_ Bella." He was really slurrin' his words now. "I wake up every morning, every _fucking_ morning wishing it had all been some kind of horrible nightmare." He pushed the heels of his hands against his eyes. "And every single day, I wish it had been me instead of him." His voice broke as he dropped his hands and tears trailed down his cheeks.

"No Edward, no," I choked out between my sobs. "Please…" I begged as I knelt on the seat and leaned across the console in order to pull him into my embrace.

Hell.

This was Hell.

Plain and simple.

It was a struggle, but I was finally able to convince him to come inside with me.

Once I had Edward settled upstairs, I went to the bathroom to change. When I re-entered my bedroom, I was surprised to find him awake and sittin' up. He'd stripped down to boxer briefs and a t-shirt which gave me pause. It was the least I'd seen him wearin' since our shared shower the night after Daniel's death.

I doubted that Edward even remembered that night…

"I'm sorry," he whispered against my neck after we'd settled in bed, my back to his front.

"Edward, you _never_ have to say that to me." I placed my hand over his as it rested against my stomach, and closed my eyes.

"I love you Bella."

"I love you too."

Soft lips brushed against the side of my cheek before he gently pulled my shoulder, turnin' me 'til I was lyin' in my back with him lookin' down at me. Not another word was spoken before he touched his lips to mine.

There was a sadness, a yearnin', to his kisses that made me want to cry. I wrapped my arms around his neck, holdin' him close; and it wasn't long until he was kissin' me the way he used to…

The feelin's and emotions I'd been carryin' around since we lost Daniel had been so raw, so close to the surface, that I had spent a great deal of time hidin' them in order to keep myself from breakin' down in front of Daddy, or Edward.

I hadn't realized I'd been suppressin' other feelin's as well. Like the ones I felt when Edward kissed me this way, or when he touched me under my clothes.

His lips moved over my skin causin' every nerve endin' to suddenly come alive. I didn't consciously think about it when I pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it to the floor before pullin' Edward back on top of me.

My mind registered the fact that he was now shirtless as well just before I brushed my lips across his bare chest, and placed a kiss over his heart.

The feel of his skin against mine was warm, comfortin'.

It was summer days at the beach and hot sultry evenin's spent chasin' lightnin' bugs.

It was hikes through the woods to the lighthouse and stolen kisses on the pier.

It was holdin' hands while roller skatin', or piggy back rides to the water when the sand was too hot under our feet.

It was bike ridin' and ice cream, and drippy popsicles at the end of a hot day.

It was sweet smiles and silly jokes that drew forth giddy laughter, even when the punch lines were predictable.

It was the beautiful, damaged boy I'd loved for as long as I could remember, and would love 'til I drew my last breath.

Edward continued to kiss and touch my bare skin. I never pushed him away or even tried to stop him as he kissed his way down to my breasts.

I'd missed this and him so much.

It wasn't until his hand began to slip below the waistband of my sleep pants that I finally heeded the tiny voice of reason tellin' me that goin' any further was not a good idea.

"Edward," I whispered in the darkness.

"Hm," he breathed as his hand fumbled along the lace edge of my panties.

"We have to stop," I said in a voice a little louder than a whisper.

"What?" his fingers tugged at the silky material as his lips met mine again, still tastin' of the alcohol he's been drinkin' earlier.

This time, I squeezed my hands between us and placed them firmly on his chest. "Edward. No," I said as I gave him a little push.

His eyes shot open, and his hand immediately stopped its movement. "Oh God Bella. I'm sorry."

He tried to pull away, but I held onto his shoulders. "No Edward. As much as I want to, I just don't think it's a good idea to…"

"You're right." He said, interruptin' me, "Of course, you're right." I watched as his gaze fell away from my face in shame.

"Hey," I placed my hand on his cheek, forcin' him to look at me. "We belong together. Never doubt that. But I don't think this is the right time or place to go further. Neither of us would be happy if Daddy were to come home early and find us… well, you know." I watched his face, hopin' he would understand.

He let out a gust of air and gave me a small, sad smile. "I know."

_***P*S***_

There were times, durin' the rest of the weekend when that lost look would return to Edward's eyes, but he fought hard so that it wouldn't linger.

When he suggested a visit to the beach, I practically jumped for joy. Even though it was November and cold as heck, I couldn't think of a better way to spend our Sunday.

Knowin' that Chincoteague was too far away for a day trip, I suggested we cross over to Eastern Shore and spend some time at Cape Charles. Daddy and I always stopped there on our way to Chincoteague, and much preferred it to the noise and commotion of Virginia Beach, even in the off-season.

The day was perfect. We took our time, arrivin' in Cape Charles at midday where we had lunch at a little restaurant that Daddy and I frequented. After that, we drove out to the beach on the Chesapeake Bay. We spent the afternoon huddled together wrapped in a blanket.

As I sat there with Edward's arm draped around my shoulders, lookin' out at the grey curtain of sky over the equally grey water, I could feel a sense of calm begin to settle over me.

We weren't goin' to ever be granted a 'perfect' life. The chances of that were taken from us the night Daniel died.

Edward was damaged, not completely broken, but he would never be the boy he was before.

_One night_

One night's events, that not one of us could have foreseen or predicted, had altered all of Edward's and my tomorrows.

_**-Winter-Bella, age 16 years…** _

When I stepped off the plane, I wasn't surprised that Edward was the only one waitin' for me. He wordlessly pulled me into his arms, and we just stood there, savorin' the feelin' of bein' together again.

Life was hard, and we were learnin' to never take the happy moments for granted.

He looked better than he had a month before, however the stress of this new life, a life without Daniel, was still evident on his face.

I was spendin' Christmas with the Cullens; although I wouldn't go so far as to say we'd be _celebratin'_ the holiday. The best I could hope for was that everyone survived the next two weeks a little less battered than durin' the weeks preceedin'.

Tonight, I would find out how the rest of the family was actually copin'.

Edward never said much other than that the house had been quiet. No laughter. No music.

It was Alice who unknowingly gave more details durin' our conversations. It was through her that I discovered that Esme and Carlisle, as expected, had good days and bad days. The times that her mother needed to be medicated in order to sleep were becomin' less and less, as she became involved in more activities outside of the home.

The grief counselin' sessions really seemed to be makin' a difference for everyone except Edward. He kept to himself, and the rest of the family barely saw him.

I'd decided to do what I could durin' the next two weeks to change that…

"Oh Bella, it's good to see you again." Esme said as she hugged me so hard, I felt my breath leave my body.

I giggled a little, not able to help myself, and she smiled.

"Come on, we're going to have a nice dinner, and you can tell me all about what you've been doing." She said as Alice and I helped her set the table.

I chattered away about the goin's on in Waverly, which was nothin' particularly excitin', but it seemed to keep her and Alice entertained.

I watched as she folded napkins for each place settin'. When she passed the empty spot where Daniel always sat, I saw her trail her fingers lightly over the wood before takin' in a shudderin' breath. "Honey, I hope you don't mind that we won't have a tree this year." She looked up at me with sad eyes as she tried to explain. "I just couldn't face it..."

"Esme," I shook my head before huggin' her. "I'm here for _you_ ," I glanced at Alice, "all of you, not the holiday. It's not often I get out of school for two weeks, and I chose to spend that time with my family."

"But what about Charlie?"

"He understands. He said it will give him a chance to work some overtime and put some extra money toward my college fund." I told her with a grin.

She pulled me to her again. "Thank you."

Although he didn't take part in the dinner conversation, Edward did sit and eat with the family. Esme's eyes shone with happy tears as she watched him, and Carlisle gave me a grateful smile.

When he left to take a shower after dinner, I slipped into Alice's room.

We chatted about unimportant things, at first.

She was currently without a boyfriend; preferrin' to concentrate on schoolwork and bein' home as much as possible for her family.

After a while, the conversation turned serious.

"How are you really?" I asked her.

She frowned and then threw herself back until she was layin' on her bed, starin' at the ceilin'. "I keep expecting to see him Bella. When I enter a room, I look around because I have the feeling that something is missing. It took me a long time to realize that I was looking for _Daniel_." She whispered his name as she dashed the tears from her eyes.

"When I first wake up in the morning it's nice, because I don't remember that he's gone and I start thinking of what I need to do that day… and then it hits me, and I realize that for the rest of my life I'll never be able to see him or talk to him again." She covered her eyes with her hands as a loud sob escaped.

"I'm so sorry Alice," I whispered as I reached over to rub her arm comfortingly.

She sniffled before sittin' up to face me, claspin' my hand in hers. "I'm really glad you're here, and not just for me Bella, but for Edward as well. He's better when he's with you."

I nodded.

As I looked into the eyes of my best friend, I thought about the past two months.

It had been two long months of worryin' about Edward, about all of them. Two months of holdin' back my emotions, holdin' myself together for other people, while inside I teetered on the brink of despair.

Finally, not able to hide it any longer, I curled up on Alice's bed and allowed myself to fall apart.

I don't know how long we lay there cryin' together. But, in the end, I felt better. None of the circumstances had changed, but I felt strangely lighter and, at the same time, stronger.

Somethin' told me I would need that strength in the comin' months.

_***P*S***_

Even though I knew I was expected to spend my nights in Alice's bed, I didn't.

For the next two weeks, once everyone was asleep, I would slip from her bed and climb into Edward's.

Alice knew.

How could she not?

But she chose to ignore it because she knew that Edward needed me.

Durin' the first week, I watched as Edward began to interact with the rest of his family. He was still a long way from havin' the same relationship as before, but it was a start.

_***P*S***_

Christmas was sad, but not unbearable, which gave me hope that maybe; just maybe, the Cullen family would survive this. A few times durin' my stay, Esme and Carlisle had spoken of Daniel, explainin' that even though it was painful, it helped for them to share their memories of him.

Unfortunately, Edward wasn't yet at a place where he could endure hearin' about his brother.

Each and every time Daniel's name was mentioned; he would abruptly stand and leave the room. I would follow silently, but was never successful in my attempts to convince him to return.

The closer it got to New Year's, the more apprehensive I became, knowin' that I'd be leavin' soon. I was afraid that once I did, Edward would revert to the way he was before I'd arrived.

The Cullens had been invited to ring in the New Year at the home of their dearest friends who lived almost an hour's drive away. It wasn't a party, just two families havin' a quiet dinner, and spendin' time together. Alice had decided to go with her parents, but Edward had flat out refused.

Esme and Carlisle understood when I said that I wouldn't leave him alone.

We lounged across Edward's bed, eatin' pizza and drinkin' coke, while usin' awful New Year's Eve television programmin' as background noise. When some nameless boy band made an appearance, Edward finally couldn't take anymore.

"There's like three hundred channels filled with nothing but shit!" he exclaimed with a laugh as he shut off the T.V. and flopped down on the bed beside me.

"Maybe some music?" I suggested.

He nodded, still smilin', and moved toward his stereo. The speakers started to pump out a rock song that I didn't recognize. He shut off all the lights except the dim bedside lamp and lay down beside me again.

"You seem _happy_ tonight," I said as I smiled back.

He shrugged. "I am happy. You're here. Besides, it's your last night; I don't want to waste it. I don't think Mom and Dad are going to let me drive down to see you during the winter. Although," he lowered his voice conspiratorially, even though we were the only ones at home, "I'll be coming anyway even if I have to fly."

He sat up in the bed then, "Do you know what would make this party even better?"

"What?" I wanted to say 'makin' out', but didn't have the guts.

"Something to take the edge off," he grinned as he pulled a bottle filled with caramel colored liquid from the cupboard by his bed.

"Edward!" I gasped as I watched him pour a generous portion into his half-filled glass of coke and ice.

"Oh, come on Bella," he grinned as he tried to take my glass in order to do the same. "It's New Year's Eve, live a little."

I bit my lip as images of my father's angry face filled my mind. If I drank, and he was to find out… I cringed internally at the thought.

But then I took in the expression on my beautiful boy's face, the happy smile was the same one I used to see every time we were together. I wanted that smile. No; I _needed_ that smile, the memory of which I would carry with me when I boarded the plane for home the next day.

I relinquished my hold on the glass and watched as he poured some of the liquid into it.

"Sip it slowly, until you're used to it." He directed as he handed back my glass.

My eyes widened in shock as I watched Edward down almost half his glass in one go.

I took a tentative sip. It still tasted like coke, but with somethin' added, somethin' that burned on its way down. After a few sips, it started to taste pretty good. A few more after that, and my whole body began to feel warm and tingly all over. "What is this stuff?"

Edward, still grinnin', answered. "Maker's Mark whiskey; only the best for my girl." He said as he winked and then leaned toward me, pressin' a soft, wet kiss to my lips. "You want a refill?"

"Sure," I answered. I hadn't felt this relaxed in a long time.

_Probably not since last summer_

I stared as Edward downed more of his drink.

_Was it his first or his second?_

I'd lost count.

_Why have I never noticed how sexy his Adam's apple looks when he swallows?_

Suddenly the room began to feel rather stuffy and warm, so I peeled off my sweater, leavin' me in a thin top and jeans.

I downed more of my drink, havin' gotten used to the burn by then.

I turned toward Edward and noticed that he was watchin' me. His eyes were dark and serious, but he had a sexy smile on his lips.

_I need to kiss those lips…_

"Mmm," I said as I leaned forward and did just that. I looked into his beautiful eyes and giggled, "I think I finally understand what a 'buzz' is." He laughed before we both downed the rest of our drinks and Edward poured another round.

Halfway through that one, I leaned into him again, "Edwaaard, I think I'm in..tox..i…" I took a breath and blew it out as I spoke, "cated."

His respondin' laugh was a little too loud.

"Me too Bella.

The truth of the matter was; Edward and I were drunk. Not to the point of fallin' down or drunk dialin' our friends, but we were definitely more carefree, less inhibited, and sometimes downright silly as we laughed and swapped sloppy kisses. Anytime a slow song began to play, he would pull me up from the bed and hold me close as we swayed to the music.

As the evenin' wore on, still feelin' no pain, his mood seemed to take a turn from silly to serious.

"I'm going to miss you," Edward whispered while we danced. "I'll probably drive you crazy, calling you every day." His words were slurred, but I knew they were sincere.

"You won't drive me crazy," I admitted.

"I don't know why you put up with me, but I'm glad you do." He said as he leaned in for a slow kiss.

His arms tightened around me, not lettin' me back away after his lips left mine. I smiled up at his face and took a deep breath. "I'm never givin' up on you, Edward. Not ever."

"That means a lot to me Bella. I know I'm a fuck up, but I'm trying. I couldn't do it without you."

He moved back to the bed then and lay down, pullin' me with him. Everythin' was quiet and still for a while before he spoke again. "I tell myself that it wasn't my fault, but I can't shake the thoughts that keep plaguing me. _If_ only I'd told him that he couldn't go with me to the game that night. _If_ only we'd left a few minutes sooner; or later even. _If_ only I'd never been friends withJamie." He threw his arm over his eyes as he spoke.

"I'm afraid of what I'll do if I ever lay eyes on that fucker again. It should be him lying in that cemetery, not my brother." He uncovered his eyes and turned his head to look at me, tears glistenin'. "It should be me."

I shook my head, my own tears threatenin'. "No Edward." I whispered before brushin' his hair back from his red-rimmed eyes and pressin' my lips to his. "Daniel wouldn't have wanted that. You're still here 'cause you're meant to be here."

"I wish I could believe that."

"Believe it." I told him as I stroked his cheek. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

He pulled me down and kissed me again.

"God, I love you." He whispered.

Almost as if in answer to our mood, the music comin' from the speakers changed; the voice soundin' from it now was low, sad and pleadin'…

_Crash and burn  
All the stars explode tonight  
How'd you get so desperate?  
How'd you stay alive?  
Help me, please, burn the sorrow from your eyes  
Oh come on be alive again  
Don't lay down and die _

Edward's hands were suddenly under my shirt diggin' into the flesh of my back; the feelin' was almost painful as he kissed me hard, pushin' his tongue into my mouth without warnin'.

_Hey, hey  
You know what to do  
Oh baby drive away, to Malibu_

The urgency of the kiss had taken me by surprise, but my overheated flesh responded immediately.

I wanted more.

I closed my eyes to shut out the fact that the room was spinnin', and got lost in the kiss as Edward's hands loosened their grip on my back, and his tongue explored my mouth.

He pulled back and gave me a meaningful look as his fingers found the clasp to my bra and fumbled, tryin' to release it. I reached my hand around to help him, and soon I was without both my shirt and my bra.

_Get well soon  
Please don't go any higher  
How are you so burnt when you're barely on fire?  
Cry to the angels  
I'm gonna rescue you,  
I'm gonna set you free  
Tonight, baby  
Pour over me _

He rolled us until he was on top of me and then pulled his own shirt over his head. As he continued to kiss me, his voice was hoarse as he frequently whispered 'I love you'. The open-mouthed kisses he left on my neck and breasts ignited a passion in me stronger than I'd ever felt before.

_Hey, hey_  
 _We're all watching you_  
 _Oh baby fly away, to Malibu_  
 _Cry to the angels_  
 _And let them swallow you_  
 _Go and part the sea, yeah, in Malibu_

When Edward reached to unbutton my jeans, I let out a little gasp of surprise. "It's okay," he breathed the words against my neck. "I would never hurt you Bella."

_And the sun goes down  
I watch you slip away  
And the sun goes down  
I walk into the waves  
And the sun goes down  
I watch you slip away  
And I walk...  
And I knew  
Love would tear you apart  
Oh, and I knew the darkest secret of your heart _

The sad, desperate lyrics continued in the background as, with shakin' hands, we both worked to remove our jeans. Our movements weren't graceful; and even though I was aware that my reasonin' was muddled, the desire to be with Edward was burnin' so hot within me that I couldn't fight against it. Not this time.

_Hey, hey_  
 _I'm gonna follow you_  
 _Oh baby fly away, yeah, to Malibu_  
 _Oceans of angels_  
 _Oceans of stars_  
 _Down by the sea is where you drown your scars_

"I want to feel you Bella," he whispered against my lips. I could feel _him_ , all of him, as his _hardness_ pressed against my thigh. I didn't stop to think before noddin' and givin' my consent, just before his fingers slipped below the edge of my panties.

_I can't be near you  
The light just radiates  
I can't be near you  
The light just radiates_

His lips brushed along my cheek, stoppin' at my ear, "Say you're mine," He whispered his voice low and rough.

"I'm yours Edward." I breathed.

"Forever," he said in answer.

As his fingers caressed, I reached up, windin' mine into the hair at the nape of his neck, pullin' him back to me for another kiss.

It didn't take long before we'd both shed the last of our clothes and were lyin' next to each other, completely naked. The minute I felt his gaze travel over my body, I began to blush, and tried to cover myself with my hands.

"Bella, you're beautiful, you take my breath away," I noticed that he was still slurrin' his words, "Please baby, don't be embarrassed." He pulled my hands away before kissin' me.

I took a surreptitious glance at his naked form. He was beyond anythin' I'd ever imagined, and my heart began to beat wildly in my chest at the sight of his arousal.

Feelin' oddly emboldened by the alcohol, and the fact that I was responsible for causin' that kind of reaction in him, I reached down and wrapped my tremblin' hand around his length.

Edward actually hissed at my touch.

"Is this okay?" I asked, unsure.

"Bella, it's… perfect," he stuttered out the words. "God…" He took a deep breath before kissin' me again. I moved my hands up to grip his shoulders before leanin' back 'til I was lyin' flat on the bed, pullin' him with me. The feel of his body bearin' down on me, along with the added sensation of his erection pressin' against me was almost too much to bear'.

My whole body was on fire with the need I'd fought against for so long. "I want you," I whispered.

His eyes widened in shock, "Bella, we can't…"

"Yes Edward," I answered without thinkin', my one desire, to be as close as possible to him.

I remember him askin' somethin' about waitin' til Summer. "I don't want to wait," I mumbled, the buzz from the alcohol still affectin' my judgment. "Don't you want me?" I could feel my lip quiver at the thought that he wasn't goin' to follow through. It could only mean that he didn't want me as much as I wanted him. The thought alone made my stomach churn.

Edward noticed the expression on my face and answered quickly. "Of course I do baby. I want you more than anything." He admitted before attackin' my lips with his once again.

I lifted my legs and wrapped then around him, able to feel him fully against me then. Edward ran his hand down the curve of my hip to my thigh and held it in his grip.

I couldn't get close enough. Suddenly the need to belong to him in every way was all-consumin'.

I wanted us to hold each other and forget about everythin' else.

I wanted the outside world and all its heartache and sorrow to fall away to dust.

I wanted this moment to last forever.

He spoke again, and I moaned out a response, lost in a haze as I lifted my hips and rubbed against his erection. "Edward, forget about everythin' else but you and me." By this time, I was burnin' from the inside out, the feelin' much more intense than the one caused by alcohol, as I practically begged him to give in to his instincts and just let go.

To my surprise, he did…

It wasn't what I'd expected, and I remember thinkin' that I needed to tell Alice that her romance novels were wrong. There wasn't a lot of pain as I was led to believe, sure it wasn't exactly pleasant at first but, much like the alcohol, once I got past the burn, it was… tolerable. After Edward distracted me with long slow kisses, and began to move inside me in earnest, the feelin' was oh so much better than tolerable.

"Bella," he whispered my name, "I didn't know… I had no idea it could feel like this," he moaned out the words before pressin' his lips to mine again.

I closed my eyes as I tried to adjust to all these new feelin's and sensations overwhelmin' my body and my mind.

It felt so right.

It felt so wrong.

My mind was spinnin' out of control as I attempted to shut off all thought and surrender myself to sensory pleasure as our bodies moved together as one.

It was everythin' I'd been waitin' and hopin' for and, after tonight, I knew that our lives would never be the same.

"Fuck…" Edward muttered against my shoulder as his movements became more erratic. I felt his fingers begin to stroke the spot above where we were joined just as each thrust brought me closer and closer to climax.

The feel of his touch as he teased my sex was too much, and I couldn't stop myself from tryin' to pull away from his hand.

He would have none of that.

He leaned up on his forearm, kissin' me as his fingers continued to tease, until I couldn't take any more. My legs began to shake as I felt myself clenchin' around his length. "Bella…" Edward choked out my name as he stiffened and pressed his lips to mine in one final, desperate kiss. I moaned into his mouth as I was carried over the edge in a haze of pleasure.

It was only seconds later that I felt him tremblin' above me, and I watched as a lone tear trailed down his cheek. I reached up to wipe it away, surprised to find that my own cheeks were wet as well.

We lay together then, gaspin' for air as we stared into each other's eyes. Edward kissed me tenderly and pulled the comforter over our naked bodies. We whispered our 'I love yous', and with his arms around me and his warm breath on my cheek, I finally drifted off to sleep.

_***P*S***_

It may have been the low oath I heard from somewhere nearby that caused me to open my eyes. I could feel Edward pressed against my back, as my eyes searched the darkness of the room for the source of the sound. When they met the glow of the dim light emanatin' from the hallway, I abruptly squeezed them shut again.

My head was throbbin'. As a matter of fact, it felt as if, at any moment, it was goin' to explode from the intense pressure. I was sufferin' from the worst headache of my entire life.

_How much did I drink?_

I moaned softly and kept my eyes closed before driftin' back to sleep.

It was the feel of Edward's soft lips on my shoulder that woke me later. When I peered out from under my half-closed eyelids, the grey light of dawn was creepin' into his room. I noted with silent horror that my headache was even worse than before.

I kept my eyes shut as I moaned. "Head hurts…"

"Here Bella," Edward rasped as he forced some tablets into my hand. I squinted one eye open to find him leanin' over me, a glass of water in his hand.

Knowin' I couldn't feel any worse, I sat up and swallowed the pills and the water.

Oh how wrong I was.

As soon as I spied the bottle of whiskey sittin' on the floor, my stomach lurched, and I made a mad dash for Edward's bathroom. I could hear him moanin' from the bed while I emptied the contents of my stomach.

After that, despite the fact that I still had the headache, I didn't feel sick to my stomach any more, and was able to slip back into my clothes. I vaguely wondered where Edward's parents were, and Alice, but couldn't bring myself to leave the room to go in search of them.

I snuggled against Edward as memories of the night before flashed through my mind. I couldn't believe that we'd actually gone through with it. We'd had sex. I knew it was somethin' that would eventually happen but…

And despite the fact that it was clumsy and somewhat awkward and not what I'd imagined…

And despite the fact that we _never_ would have given into our urges without the aid of the alcohol, I _had_ enjoyed it.

I wondered if my enjoyment sprang as much from the pleasure of the act itself or from the fact that Edward and I had shared our first time together.

He was my first, and I couldn't help but believe with all my heart that he'd be my last as well.

Edward's voice was low and rough when he finally spoke, as his warm hand soothed my back. "I'm so sorry Bella."

"What?" I rasped out in my surprise. Of all the things Edward could have said, _sorry_ wasn't one that I expected.

"I mean, how cliché is that? Asshole boyfriend gets his girlfriend drunk and takes her virginity." He squeezed his eyes shut in horror and disbelief.

"Stop it Edward," I admonished. I'd be damned if I was goin' to let him regret what we did.

"My emotions have been all over the place this mornin', and my mind is still in a muddle, but if you go regrettin' what we did, you're goin' to hurt my feelin's. Big time."

"No; no Bella," he whispered; his voice tender as he pulled me against him, "I could never regret what we did, but I was hoping that when we finally made love, we wouldn't be living so far apart."

"You were thinkin' after you moved to Richmond for college?"

He nodded and sighed, regret still evident in his eyes. "I feel like such a douchebag. We have sex for the first time, and then I send you home, not able to see you for weeks afterwards… I'm so sorry."

"Edward, stop. I wanted it as much as you. Should I feel guilty about gettin' you drunk, seducin' you, and stealin' _your_ virginity?" I asked with a playful smile.

He chuckled. "Certainly not." It was the reaction I was hopin' for.

I leaned in to kiss him. "I do regret waitin' 'til the night before I was leavin', because I don't know when I'll see you again."

He gave me a sad smile. "Soon. I'll see you soon. I promise."

"No regrets Edward. I love you, and last night, although unplanned, was the best night of my life."

He smiled softly, genuinely. "It was for me too. I never knew it could be like that." He kissed my lips, "I love you Bella."

"I love you."

_Unplanned…_

_Unplanned…_

Why did that word give me pause?

Suddenly I froze, I was pretty certain that my heart stopped beatin' as the grim realization of what we'd actually done finally washed over me, and a cold wave of panic struck.

_Unplanned and unprotected…_

_Condom?_

There was no condom. And I, most definitely wasn't on any type of birth control.

_Oh God._

Where but a moment before I had been timidly revellin' in the fact that Edward and I had finally made love, the thought had never occurred that I could be pregnant because of it.

My sharp intake of breath, once I actually began to breathe again, must have gotten his attention.

"Bella, are you okay?"

I swallowed back the scream that was tryin' to escape my chest.

_What the hell is wrong with me?_

_What was I thinkin'?_

_What was I thinkin' with?_

_I.. I can't get pregnant… I'm still in high school._

Suddenly, the nauseated feelin' was back.

When I looked up at Edward's face, I realized that if I didn't pull myself together I was goin' to freak him out. We'd finally spent a _normal_ evenin'. The first one since Daniel's death, and I was goin' to ruin it.

_Normal?_

_Except for the fact that you had sex for the first time and could be pregnant._

_Oh God, oh God, oh God…_

"Bella, you're scaring me."

I swallowed hard, and rubbed my face with my hands. I had to make this right.

"It's just…" I sat up and looked at him, knowin' that there _was no way_ to make this right.

I needed to be honest.

"Edward," I touched his forearm with my hand.

"Edward…"

"Bella, what's going on?"

"I…"

For the first time in my life, I actually thought I might faint.

"Bella," he sat up and wrapped his arms around me, "Bella, talk to me."

I couldn't hold back the onslaught of tears as I tried to stutter out an explanation. "Edward, I… wehadunprotectedsex" deep breath, "i'mafraidwemadeababy..." I blurted out before collapsin' into a blubberin' mess.

It took approximately ten seconds before Edward deciphered my gibberish and the meanin' of my words registered. His arms closed tight around me. "Shit," he said in barely a whisper. "I'm so sorry… I didn't even think... I had no idea that we end up doing that last night… I would have been more prepared. I was so fucking drunk…"

I shook my head into his chest. "Not your fault," I stuttered out. "I didn't expect to do it either."

He let me cry for a minute before speakin' again. "It'll be okay, Bella. Whatever happens, we'll face it together. Please don't cry." He soothed. "Please baby, I love you."

His sweet words calmed me, and when I finally pulled myself together, I felt awful for causin' him to worry. Here I was, tryin' to make Edward's life easier, and I go and make it more complicated. "Edward, I want you to know that I don't expect anythin' from you. Your life is difficult enough and you're graduatin' in a few months and…"

"Bella, hush." He insisted as he put his finger under my chin, tiltin' my head up in order to look at me. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you. If that starts a little sooner than we'd planned, then so be it. Please stop upsetting yourself okay?"

I took a deep breath. There was no way I was goin' to stop bein' upset, but I needed to ease Edward's mind. I nodded before puttin' my arms around his neck and kissin' him.

"I'll be fine."

It was a lie, but I had become quite accomplished at puttin' on a brave face.

When Edward was finally satisfied that I'd be okay, he went to take a shower, and I tiptoed down the hall to Alice's room.

It was early, and I fully expected her to still be sleepin'. Instead, I found her sittin' cross-legged on her bed. "Just tell me you were careful."

My mouth fell open in surprise. "What are you…?"

"I saw you," she cut me off and my eyes widened in surprise. "You weren't in my room when we arrived home, so I went looking. Imagine my surprise when I found you in my brother's bed, naked and sleeping, with his hand cupping your boob. Ugh, I was traumatized, but that's beside the point."

"Just tell me you were careful, Bella."

There was no way that I was draggin' Alice into this mess. I didn't need to worry her along with Edward. "Everythin's fine Alice." I told her, and I even managed a small smile.

She studied my face for a minute and then seemed to breathe a sigh of relief.

"Sorry you had to, ah, see that," I apologized, but I kind of wanted to giggle at how awkward it must have been for her.

She rolled her eyes. "I'm just glad I didn't see anything belonging to _Edward._ You know it's true what they say, 'Once seen, it can't be _unseen,_ ' or something like that. Let's just say that you guys always find a way to surprise me." She giggled then, "Now listen, you're going to prom with Edward, so when you come here for spring break, we'll go dress shopping." my shoulders sagged with relief, knowin' she wasn't goin' to press for any more information about the night before.

_Prom?_

_Oh God, I hope I don't need to buy a dress that will hide a baby bump…_

_***P*S***_

"I'm fine."

"Don't say you're fine. You're _not_ fine." Edward challenged as he held me. We were at the airport, waitin' until the last possible moment before I had to leave him.

As we stood, huddled close together, our foreheads touchin', our lips only inches apart, I gave him a small smile. "Really, I am. I promise."

I wasn't sure he believed me.

"Remember Bella, no matter what, we'll handle it together." He touched his lips to mine. "Call me as soon as you land."

I nodded and he kissed my lips again.

_One last time before goodbye._

I was able to hold back the tears, just barely, as I forced myself to walk away from the boy I loved.

Once onboard my flight, I took my seat by the window and let the tears flow as the thoughts and emotions I'd kept hidden from Edward's family finally bubbled to the surface.

_How was I goin' to face the next few weeks alone?_

I already missed him and ached for him to hold me again.

_How was he goin' to cope without me?_

_Would he go back to the way he was before I'd arrived?_

On top of all that, I worried about what would happen if… if… I couldn't formulate a full thought.

All I could see in my mind's eye was the look of disappointment on the faces of my father, Esme, Carlisle, even Alice, if Edward and I were to become teenage parents.

At that image, the feelin' of nausea returned.

_What had I done?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Rec: 'Malibu' by Hole
> 
> If you're ever in Cape Charles, eat at Stingray's. A little restaurant located in an Exxon station (no lie!) but the food is great.
> 
> I'll be on Facebook as Annie Author Vandv, and in the FB group Emmamama's Stories.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once again to the gracious and lovely aurellacullen for her beta work on this story. My betas go above and beyond with their assistance and advice. I am very blessed. 
> 
> This chapter is still a continuation of the year in Bella's life which started in chapter 9. 
> 
> Beginning with this chapter, we will have a little EPOV at the end, usually in the form song lyrics.

****

**Chapter 11**

_**-Spring-Bella, age 16 years…** _

The closer it got to spring break, the more anxious I felt. I wasn't sure exactly why.

Well, I had a suspicion.

Even though it was almost April, there was still a chill in the air; and as I sat on the porch, I clutched my cup of hot cocoa for warmth. Next week was spring break and I had a whole week off of school, the entirety of which I would be spendin' with Edward and his family.

I thought back to the last time I was in Pennsylvania and swallowed hard when I remembered havin' sex for the first time.

_The only time..._

I shook my head in an effort to clear those thoughts away.

I had returned from that visit, a nervous wreck. My attention wandered in class, I burned more than one dinner because I was distracted and not payin' attention, and I didn't finish a single conversation with my Daddy because I couldn't stand to be in his company for long. The guilt of what I'd done was almost cripplin'; and all I could think of as I looked at his face, was how he would react to news that his sixteen year old daughter might be pregnant.

In the end, I think he chalked my odd behavior up to havin' spent a very emotional and distressin' Christmas with the Cullens.

Eight days.

From the time my plane touched down in Richmond, until I finally got my period, I had to live through eight long, miserable days.

Durin' that time, Edward phoned me every mornin' and every night before I went to bed. He told me over and over how much he loved me; reassurin' me that everythin' would be okay.

"Bella, please stop worrying, you'll make yourself sick." He said, the distress evident in his voice. "I'm coming down next weekend, and if things haven't _changed_ , we'll take a test okay?"

"Okay," I answered in a meek voice.

I knew he was worried. He tried his best to hide it, but I knew.

"I love you, Bella. Everything will work out; you'll see. If… well, if…" he didn't need to spell out what he was thinkin'

" _If there's a baby…"_

"We can get married, and you can move up here and go to school with me."

In the past, I would have thought that gettin' married at sixteen was a completely ridiculous idea. Now, when I considered bein' married to Edward, it didn't seem quite so absurd.

After all, this was the boy who knew me better than anyone else in the entire world. I loved him with my whole heart, and when he told me that everythin' would be okay, I had to believe him.

But then I would think of my Daddy bein' all alone if I left, and the melancholy would creep back in.

The mornin' after that conversation with Edward, I was awoken with cramps which I'd never been so thankful to have. I phoned him soon after to tell him the good news that my monthly visitor had arrived. I woke him up, but knew he didn't mind. He sounded as relieved as I felt.

After our euphoria had subsided, he spoke in a quiet voice. "Is it crazy that I feel a little disappointed?" He paused. "I mean, aside from being scared shitless," he admitted with a chuckle, "there were times during the last week that I wanted it. I wanted it so badly, Bella."

I took a deep breath. "I know what you mean. I could picture our baby in my mind's eye. He looked like you."

There was complete silence for a long moment before he answered. "Someday."

I smiled even though he couldn't see me over the phone. "Yes, someday."

Edward never made it down that weekend as he'd planned. He was stuck at home, while I was stuck in Waverly, as the entire East coast from Atlanta to Boston was blanketed in snow.

We continued to speak on the phone, and I could tell that he was slowly sinkin' back into a depression; similar to the way he'd been just prior to Christmas.

"So, have you gone out to play in the snow yet?" He asked, tryin' to deflect my attention after I'd asked how he was doin'.

"Actually I did." I told him with a giggle. Truth was, I loved the snow. "I made a snow angel."

I could hear his smile through the phone. "Wish I could have seen that."

That afternoon I made another angel and had Daddy take my picture with my new cell phone, sendin' it immediately to Edward.

Although we spoke all the time, I didn't get to see him again until the weekend of Valentine's Day. Edward came down on Saturday and left the next day; his mother wantin' him to drive durin' the daylight hours only. As soon as he pulled into our driveway, I flew off of the porch and into his arms. I doubt that my feet even touched the ground before my legs and arms were wrapped around him, my lips against his, kissin' until we were both breathless.

I don't know if it was that affectionate display which caused my Daddy to stay close to home all weekend, but the only times Edward and I got to be alone was when he took me out to dinner and, obviously, when I snuck downstairs for a late night make out session on the sofa where he was sleepin'.

Neither one of us let things go too far; the possibility of my Daddy findin' us was too horrifyin' to consider, nor was there any alcohol this time to lessen my inhibitions.

Now, as I sat on the porch nursin' that cup of cocoa, I thought about the week, or rather week and a half ahead. Easter was in four days and, as luck would have it, Edward and Alice's school had their spring break this week, while mine wasn't until next week.

Edward had begged his parents to allow him to come down and spend the entire week before Easter with me, but they had refused, sayin' that I was still in school and his presence would be an imposition. At least that's the story he gave me. I had a feelin' he was hidin' somethin'.

In the end, they decided to let him drive down today.

We would have three days together in Waverly before drivin' back to Pennsylvania together on Saturday mornin'. I would then be spendin' a whole week with the Cullens.

I'd been home from school for over an hour, and the cup of cocoa in my hands had gone cold, when I spied Edward's car approachin'.

He barely had the door open before I was in the car, seated sideways across his lap while attackin' him with kisses.

"Mmm, you taste like chocolate." He murmured while smilin' against my lips.

"You taste like mint." I smiled back, knowin' he'd probably been poppin' Tic Tacs durin' his trip. I was also not so naïve that I didn't know that he often used breath mints to cover the smell of alcohol.

"Missed you so much," he murmured into my hair.

I pulled away from him with a smile and led him inside.

"Smells good in here." He said in a scratchy voice.

"Beef stew's been in the crockpot all day, and I made homemade applesauce." I grinned as I slid a tray of biscuits into the oven.

He returned the smile before glancin' around awkwardly. "Where's the Chief?"

"He's at work," My words caused Edward to visibly relax. "But he'll be home any minute."

"Oh." I didn't miss the disappointment in his tone.

I wrapped my arms around his waist. "Why don't you stow your bag in my room while I set the table?"

Dinner was awkward. I'd only suspected before, but now I was certain that Daddy was worried about how 'close' Edward and I had gotten. He scrutinized our every touch; our every glance.

After dinner, he made a point of remindin' us both to leave the door open while we were in my room.

_***P*S***_

"When did your Dad start hating me?" Edward asked in a whisper as we lay across my bed on our stomachs, talkin' and listenin' to the radio.

"You know better than that, Edward. Daddy loves you. He just doesn't trust you right now." I was teasin', but Edward didn't smile.

"If he knew what I did, he'd probably kill me." He mumbled into his forearm.

"Stop it," I said, while bumpin' my shoulder against his. "I'm as guilty as you are, so he'd be just as mad at me."

Edward smirked. "Somehow, I doubt that."

I grinned and wrinkled my nose, "You're probably right. But he wouldn't be happy with me."

Edward nodded his head as he stared down at my bedroom floor.

I cleared my throat a little and leaned over 'til my lips were close enough to touch his ear, "So, uh, I was just wonderin' when can we do _that_ again?"

Before I knew what was happenin', Edward had rolled onto his back and pulled me with him until I was lyin' across his chest. The movement was so sudden that I'd squeaked in surprise.

"Shh," he warned with a smile as I settled my chin against his chest while gazin' up toward his face.

"In answer to your question, I am hoping it will be very soon. But this time," he continued to whisper as he trailed his fingers through my hair. "I'm not going to put you at risk of being knocked up." He gave me a cheeky grin as I lightly smacked his chest.

"You have such a way with words, Mister Cullen."

He laughed lightly at my admonishment and wrapped his arms tighter around my body.

I loved the sound of his laughter. I'd heard it so seldom since October.

_***P*S***_

The next mornin' I awoke actually lookin' forward to school. Edward was goin' with me, and that fact alone made facin' the day ahead a lot more bearable.

It wasn't that I hated school or anythin', but from the time I was five years old, my entire life had seemed to center around the weeks I got to spend with the Cullens whether in Chincoteague or in Pennsylvania.

I suppose it didn't help that I'd never been a member of the 'popular' crowd. In the beginnin', I was passed over because I was quiet and didn't have the expensive clothes and shoes that the wealthy kids wore.

Later, after my 'makeover', courtesy of Esme, Alice and my mother, the popular kids had attempted to befriend me. I just couldn't bring myself to forget the times they'd been stand offish and more importantly, those times where they'd been downright cruel.

_Thanks, but no thanks._

I did have one close friend, Cheryl. She moved to Waverly in ninth grade and was a bit of a loner like me. We were thrown together for a History project that year, and hit it off. We'd been friends ever since.

We had a few of the same classes, and sat together at lunch every day. Sometimes we were joined by our friend Cameron. He was really quiet, but I could tell he had a crush on Cheryl.

As Edward and I walked through the front doors of school, I couldn't help the thrill of excitement that surged through me. I also couldn't help but notice the stares from girls, and boys alike, as they watched us pass, hand in hand, headed toward the office so Edward could sign in.

The girls looked longingly at Edward, and a few, the ones who'd been exceptionally horrible to me, threw me particularly witherin' glares.

The boys just looked confused.

Part of me wanted to shout, " _Yeah bitches, this is my boyfriend_." But instead, I tightened my grip on Edward's hand and turned to smile toward him, only to find him watchin' me, a knowin' grin on his face.

He released my hand and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pullin' me into his side before kissin' the top of my head.

_I wanted to swoon like one of those ladies in a romance novel._

"Bella, Edward is just…. _dayum_." Cheryl whispered while we were in the ladies' room after lunch.

I laughed and shook my head, a little confused. "Cheryl, you've seen his photo."

"I know, but he's much better lookin' in person." She said with a giggle. "Y'all are adorable together, by the way. And let me tell you, you've ruined the bitch patrol's day."

I laughed at that, knowin' that she was right.

On Friday, one member of said _bitch patrol_ even had the nerve to approach us durin' lunch. "Hey, Bella," Josie Hall, who regarded herself as the prettiest and most popular girl in our class, greeted me in a sweet, simperin' voice, "who's your _friend?_ "

The way she looked at Edward made my stomach hurt.

_Was she actually tryin' to flirt with my boyfriend?_

Before I could answer, Edward spoke. "I'm her _boyfriend,_ Edward Cullen." He stated in a no nonsense tone as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

Josie's expression faltered a little, but that didn't stop her from continuin'. "So, Edward, where do you go to school?"

"In Philadelphia. I graduate in a couple of months."

"Oh; wow," Josie actually had the nerve to sit down next to Edward and continue the conversation in a breathless voice.

I reckoned she was tryin' to sound sexy.

"I've looked into going to college up there, but I'll probably stick with one of the Virginia schools. There are so many to choose from here, after all." Josie actually giggled. I raised my eyebrows and just stared at her, wishin' she'd go away.

Edward nodded and looked back toward me, not willin' to get pulled into the conversation.

Josie reluctantly turned her attention to Cheryl and Cameron for a moment. "I heard you two are going to prom together."

"A-huh." Cheryl answered in a flat tone. She despised Josie.

Josie frowned and turned back toward Edward with a smile.

"So, are you taking Bella to prom, _Edward_?"

_Ugh. Just hearin' her say my boyfriend's name makes me want to puke._

"Absolutely. Her's first, and then mine the following weekend," He turned to smile at me as he answered.

"Oh." Josie pursed her lips and gave me a sly look. "You know Bella; I thought for sure that you would go with _Mark_. I heard he asked you."

_What was she playin' at?_

The look of surprise on Edward's face made it obvious that Josie was hopin' to start trouble between us. He stared at me while clenchin' his jaw, and I knew I needed to diffuse the situation, _fast._

I turned and looked into Edward's eyes as I answered her. "Mark _did_ ask me, but I turned him down. You see, _Josie,_ even if I couldn't have gone with Edward, I certainly wouldn't want to go with anyone else."

Edward grinned then, seemingly appeased, and lightly kissed my lips, not carin' if everyone in the cafeteria was watchin'.

I silently hoped we wouldn't get called to the office for our public displays of affection.

I heard Josie let out a huff. "Oh, okay then. Nice meeting you, Edward."

And then she was gone.

Edward looked at me with a self-satisfied smile as Cheryl tried, and failed, not to laugh.

_***P*S***_

Just like every time he'd come to visit since October, Edward's mood had alternated between quiet but seemingly happy, to tortured and despairin'.

The worst this time had been the night before we were due to drive back to Pennsylvania, when he had disappeared for almost an hour, goin' to his car to 'make a phone call'.

After he came back in the house smellin' of alcohol, I knew he'd lied to me.

I probably should have kept my mouth shut, because when I called him on the lie, he blew up and then refused to speak to me for the rest of the night.

Of course, he eventually apologized, but things were strained as we packed the car the next mornin'.

That incident would be nothin' compared to the way things would be once he got home. Durin' the ride to Pennsylvania, I watched as the black mood descended once again.

I honestly didn't know what to say to help him, so I just held his hand every now and then, tryin' to give him comfort in any way I could.

"Hello Bella," Esme was smilin' a real smile as she hugged me in the driveway. She and Alice must have been watchin' from the window, because Edward had no sooner put the car in 'park' before they were burstin' through the front door.

I giggled, thinkin' of the similar way I'd behaved whenever Edward arrived at my house.

After a quick lunch, I found myself in the back seat of Esme's Lexus, on my way to shop for a prom dress.

I found one I liked in the first shop we visited. It was short and black and was inexpensive enough that I didn't feel guilty puttin' it on my Daddy's credit card. The problem was that Alice had determined that I needed two.

"No, Alice. I only need one dress."

"But Bella, you're going to _two_ proms. You can't wear the same dress to both. If it's a matter of money…"

I gritted my teeth as I cut her off. "Stop it. I can, and _will,_ wear the same dress to both. I _like_ this dress, and even though I know my Daddy would be perfectly willin' to pay for two, I'm not goin' to do that. It's wasteful to buy somethin' and only wear it once."

"But.."

"Alice," Esme admonished in a quiet tone.

Alice frowned and glanced at her mother before lettin' out a breath. "Okay." She agreed dejectedly. "I suppose you could wear different accessories to change the look for each night?" She suggested with a hopeful smile, causin' me to roll my eyes before I nodded in agreement.

At the next shop, Esme pulled me aside while Alice was in the changin' room.

"Bella, may I speak with you for a moment?"

"Of course," I said as I took a seat beside her near a display of weddin' gowns.

"How has Edward been these last few days?" Her eyes were tight with worry.

I bit my lip, wonderin' if I should mention the drinkin'. "He's been okay."

Esme took a deep breath and eyed me cautiously. "He's been drinking; sometimes quite heavily from what we can tell. His grades have faltered as well. Needless to say, his teachers have been very understanding and are trying to work with him." Her lip trembled then, as her eyes filled with tears. "We considered not letting him go to Virginia at all this past week, but he promised to buckle down." She looked away from me, her tone wistful, "We know he's not doing any of this to hurt us, he's doing it because he, himself, is hurting, but he won't talk to us Bella."

She sniffled then and grabbed my hand, her watery gaze meetin' mine.

"When you're here, he's better."

My heart sank as I thought about how despondent Edward must be when we were apart, if what I'd been observin' was 'better'.

"I think he'd listen to you, if you were to bring this up."

I nodded slowly, watchin' her face.

"It's not like I expect you to report back to us. Just, anything; _anything_ you can do to help him…" She trailed off and let go of my hand in order to dab her eyes with a tissue.

"I look in his eyes and it's as if the Edward I knew isn't there anymore. Sometimes it feels as if I lost _two_ children that night, instead of one."

"Oh, Esme." I was cryin' as well by this time and as I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, I caught sight of Alice watchin' us from the doorway of the changin' room, tears trailin' down her cheeks.

Two hours and two shops later, and we were finally headed back home; Alice in possession of what she deemed "the perfect prom dress".

My school, bein' rather small, always combined the junior and senior proms into one. Not so at Edward and Alice's school.

As luck would have it this year however, they'd decided to do precisely that, and I was thrilled that Alice and her date would be attendin' alongside Edward and me.

Even though Esme's spirits appeared to be lighter than they had been in December, she still had a sadness in her eyes that I doubted would ever go away. She also seemed to tire very easily.

As soon as we got back to the house, she slipped upstairs to take a nap before dinner.

While Alice chatted on her phone with Ryan, the boy who was takin' her to prom, but whom she refused to call her boyfriend, I went in search of Edward.

It took some time to find him, but eventually I did. He was seated on a wooden lounge chair on the back patio, starin' blankly toward the trees that filled the massive yard.

My heart sank as I took in his bleak expression, and I wished I hadn't left him to go shoppin'.

"Hey," I called out softly as I approached.

He glanced in my direction before sittin' up and movin' so that he was straddlin' the chair. He reached down and patted the space in front of him.

A moment later, I was seated with my back against his chest. We stayed like that for a while, the smell of alcohol on Edward's breath impossible to deny.

Coward that I was, I'd been puttin' off this conversation for far too long, thinkin' that Edward would get better, and the drinkin' would stop on its own.

In the past, I'd skirted the issue, afraid of bein' the recipient of his bad mood.

I had been so foolish.

"Edward," I whispered.

"Hmm," He murmured from beside my ear, where his chin rested on my shoulder.

"How's the counselin' goin'?"

He took a ragged breath and released it. I felt his shoulders shrug against me. "I don't know."

_What?_

Knowin' that this was goin' to be just as difficult as I'd feared, I decided to change my approach. "Where did you get the liquor, Edward?"

"My closet; why?"

"Um, well, it appears to me that you've been drinkin' a lot since…" I swallowed hard. "since October."

Edward chuckled bitterly. "What's your point Bella? I used to get it from Dad's stash but he found out and hid it. I found it again, but have been very careful about how much I take." I turned to find him smirkin'.

"And besides, it's not like I get it all from him. It's no trouble to get liquor, Bella. It's not difficult to get _anything_ if you have the money _._ "

I gasped in surprise at the implication.

"You mean…"

"Let's just say that I have my ways. It's not like I can always have you around to make me feel better."

His right hand slipped under my shirt then and began to caress the skin as it inched its way toward my chest. When his warm lips brushed against my neck, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, relaxin' into his touch. I was almost distracted enough to forget what we were talkin' about.

_Focus, Bella._

My eyes shot open and I placed my hand over his through the fabric of my top, haltin' his movement.

"Edward," I paused. "I wish I could be with you all the time, but I can't." It was now or never. "I haven't said much before, but I should have. I'm worried about your drinkin'. You have to know that it's not the best way to handle what you're goin' through."

Edward immediately pulled his arms from around me, "And you would know this _how_ , Bella?" he snapped. "My only other option is to take the 'happy pills' Dad has offered." He leaned in close and his scowl deepened. "I don't want to be happy, Bella. Not that way. I'd rather be numb."

He picked up a bottle from where it was hidden beside his chair and took a long draught before smirkin' at me again. "As soon as you've been responsible for someone's death, and you've found a way to live with that, you can tell _me_ all about how to do it; until then, but out."

My mouth fell open in surprise at his tone, but I couldn't find it in me to be angry.

I knew he was in pain.

"Don't look at me like that," he turned away and glared toward the house. "Tell me the truth; did my Mother put you up to this?"

I shook my head, "Not really," I reached to place my hand on his arm and was gratified that he didn't pull away. "But she and your Dad are concerned. She said you're not focusin' on your schoolwork or anythin' that's important."

His eyes went wide in surprise as he jerked his arm away. "Are you fucking kidding me?" He went to stand from the chair, pullin' me with him because I was in the way. Then he stood before me, his whole body shakin' with anger as he ran his hands furiously through his hair. "I can't believe she told you about that."

"Edward, I…"

He held his hand up to stop me. "No, Bella. I don't want to hear it. I'm a failure at everything. I couldn't even keep my brother safe. He was such a good kid," His voice broke with emotion, "you'd better believe that Daniel never had the wrong types of friends." He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. "He didn't hang around with assholes like _Jamie._ "

I tried to touch his arm again but he pulled away.

"But wasn't it bad enough that you already knew all that without having to learn about yet one more way I'd let my parents down?" He blew out an angry breath. "Just… fuck it." He muttered before stormin' into the house.

It was the second time that day that I was reduced to tears.

I let him have his space, but when he still hadn't emerged from his room by supper, I quietly fixed a tray and took it up to him.

Surprisingly, I found his door unlocked. The sight which greeted me upon openin' it, liked to have broken my heart.

He was seated on the floor with his back against the bed; his shoulders hunched, his chin on his chest, and his knees drawn up with both arms restin' on them. He didn't turn towards me when I entered; and it wasn't until I got close, that I saw he was wearin' ear buds.

As soon as he sensed movement, he turned his head and looked up at me, his face filled with regret. Before I could register what was happenin', he was on his feet, removin' the earbuds and takin' the tray to set it on the bed. He wrapped his arms around me until I was pressed against his chest.

"I'm sorry," there was utter despair in his tone. "I love you so much."

"I know," I soothed his back gently. "I love you too; otherwise I wouldn't worry about you."

"I know." He nodded furiously. "I didn't mean all that shit I said, Bella."

"I know that too, Edward, that's why I forgave you the moment those words left your lips."

He sighed. "You're the best part of my life."

"As you are mine."

_***P*S***_

I had to at least _pretend_ that I'd be spendin' the night in Alice's room. But once her slow even breathin' indicated that she was asleep, I stole from her bed, movin' soundlessly down the hall to where I knew he was waitin' for me.

As soon as I'd closed and locked his door, I turned to find his hand reachin' out to me. I crawled swiftly under the covers and was immediately engulfed in a warm embrace. "I love you." He whispered.

"I love you too."

In his arms, it was easy to forget about everythin' that could steal the joy from our lives.

Addiction, death… _denial._

Unlike the first time we made love, Edward's movements this time were slower, more careful as he kissed and caressed my overheated flesh, makin' sure through his words and his touch that I understood exactly how much I meant to him.

Before I knew it, our clothes were tossed aside and that was the exact moment when my nerves decided to kick in. "You're so beautiful." He murmured as my body tensed.

Sensin' my hesitation he trailed his fingers along my outer thigh from knee to hip, slowly, gently…

"Can you believe I'm more nervous than I was the first time?" I asked.

He released a low chuckle. "We're not drunk this time." He said before strokin' my cheek and kissin' me deeply. He paused after releasin' my lips. "Bella, we can wait…"

I shook my head. "No, just keep doin' what you're doin', I want this."

He smiled and kissed me again. "Relax," was the last thing he said before he began placin' open mouthed kisses on my sensitive skin. I could feel the nervousness melt away as I shut off my racin' mind and gave myself over to the way he made me feel.

"I think I've loved you all of my life," he murmured just before pushin' slowly into me. Not dulled by the effects of alcohol this time, I could feel, hear and see _everythin'._

 _Maybe it's intuition_  
But some things you just don't question  
Like in your eyes  
I see my future in an instant  
and there it goes  
I think I've found my best friend  
I know that it might sound more than  
a little crazy but I believe  
  
 _I knew I loved you before I met you_  
I think I dreamed you into life  
I knew I loved you before I met you  
I have been waiting all my life

Our movements, our whispered words, our moans of pleasure were all burned into my memory and I desperately held onto the hope that someday, in the not too distant future, we could be together every night.

Edward was the first one to speak as we lay, wrapped around one another, spent, exhausted, and driftin' slowly toward sleep. "I hate that we always have to say goodbye. I wish I could keep you with me forever."

 _There's just no rhyme or reason_  
only this sense of completion  
and in your eyes  
I see the missing pieces  
I'm searching for  
I think I found my way home  
I know that it might sound more than  
a little crazy but I believe

 _I knew I loved you before I met you_  
I think I dreamed you into life  
I knew I loved you before I met you  
I have been waiting all my life

_A thousand angels dance around you  
I am complete now that I found you _

_***P*S***_

The next couple of days were peaceful, albeit somber. On Easter Sunday, I went with the family to visit Daniel's grave. Edward stayed behind, not able to face it.

Not yet.

I worried about leavin' him alone again, but he insisted that he'd be okay and the look in his eyes conveyed a promise that he wasn't goin' to drink while I was gone.

That week, I'd attended classes with Edward just as he'd done with me. At first, it was a little overwhelmin' to see so many students in one place, not to mention the size of the buildin' with its never-endin' maze of hallways. I would surely have needed a map to find my way around if I'd been alone.

And so, the week continued, as we settled into a comfortable coexistence durin' the day, denyin' the passion we felt for one another until the dark of night when we could be alone in his room.

There in the quiet stillness, as we lay together in his bed, I believed his whispered words of love and his hope for our future together, despite the naggin' fear which gripped my heart.

Sometimes we made love; it was still awkward as we got better acquainted with one another's bodies. This was a foreign world to us both, but somehow the need to be with him in that way was stronger than any embarrassment I might feel, and more powerful that my cripplin' shyness.

Each time I thought about the weekend that was drawin' closer when my Daddy would be arrivin' to take me home, I felt a pang of sadness. It was goin' to be very difficult to leave Edward.

The only thing that made it bearable was the fact that I'd see him again in a month for our proms.

The night before my Daddy was to arrive; Esme and Carlisle took us out to dinner. We had a good time and Edward smiled more than he had in months.

When we arrived back at the house, Edward's parents informed us that they had somethin' important to discuss. I might have worried that it was bad news, except for the fact that they both had the hint of a smile on their faces.

We gathered in the family room and were soon seated on the two overstuffed sofas.

Carlisle held Esme's hand as he began to speak. "We have some important news to share with you kids, and since we consider Bella to be part of the family, it is appropriate that she be here as well." They both smiled indulgently at me.

Carlisle then looked toward Esme, and I watched as she drew in a deep breath before she spoke. "Well, I haven't been feeling my best these last few weeks. I assumed it was all due to stress, but it seems that there was another contributing factor."

She paused as her eyes filled with tears. I couldn't imagine what was goin' on. Was she sick, like _really_ sick? I couldn't even consider it.

But somethin' told me that her news wasn't bad, 'cause under the tears, she was still smilin'.

"Mom, Dad, what's going on? Is it good news or bad because right now you're scaring me a little." Alice blurted.

Esme gave us a watery smile. "It's good news. The best actually. Unexpected and wonderful." She took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant." She announced in a quiet tone, searchin' our faces for some sort of reaction.

The room was utterly silent for a full minute as we all attempted to process what she'd just said.

Pregnant?

Of all the words Esme could have uttered at that moment, _pregnant_ certainly wasn't one I was prepared for…

"Shut the front door!" Alice suddenly shouted as she bolted from the sofa and crossed the room to her parents. "You're kidding right?" No one missed the happy smile on her face at the question.

Esme shook her head. "I've suspected for a while. Your dad and I went to the doctor today. They did an ultrasound and I'm more than three months along. The baby is due in September."

Alice pulled her mother into a fierce hug. "Oh my God! I can't believe it. This is so great, Mom."

_September…_

Suddenly my mind went back to those days followin' New Year's when the fear that I might be pregnant had consumed me. I remember at the time thinkin' that if I was, the baby would be born sometime in September.

I shook those thoughts away and stood up, crossin' the room swiftly in order to give Esme a hug of my own. She seemed so happy; her smile was infectious. "Congratulations," I whispered before givin' Carlisle a hug as well.

Alice continued to babble, distractin' me from the realization that Edward hadn't moved from his spot on the sofa, or uttered a single word.

"It's about time this family had something to celebrate." Alice was clearly elated. She let go of her mother and took a step back then as she dramatically placed her hands on her hips and playfully cocked an eyebrow. "Although, I'm not going to dwell on how creepy it is that my mother will be giving birth during my senior year of high school." She giggled. "I mean, really Mom? You people are supposed to be _old_. Edward will be _eighteen_ by then, and in _college._ I'll be seventeen and Daniel…" She stopped short and brought her hand to her mouth. "Oh my God… I'm sorry, I didn't mean…" Alice mumbled as her own eyes filled with tears. "For just a moment, I forgot." She wrapped her arms around herself as her whole body began to tremble. "How could I do that?" She asked with a whimper.

"Honey, honey," Esme soothed as she held her, Carlisle wrapped his arms around them both. "Alice, it happens. I can't tell you how many times I have read something or seen something on television and thought to myself that I needed to go tell Daniel, knowing he'd get a kick out of it, only to remember that he's gone…"

At her words, Alice began to sob harder. Esme and Carlisle pulled her down to sit between them on the sofa and let her cry it out.

I turned back then to sit beside Edward again. His expression was a complete blank, and I had no idea if he'd even heard what his mother had told us. I slipped my hand inside one of his and gently squeezed until he tore his gaze away from the floor and turned to face me.

His expression remained blank.

Alice's sobs quieted and the room grew still. I looked up to find Esme, Alice and Carlisle all lookin' at Edward then. "Edward," his mother began softly, "you're so quiet."

He drew in a deep breath and frowned at her, lettin' go of my hand when he did. "What do you want me to say, Mom?" He began dryly. "Congratulations?" He paused. "I'm glad you're happy? Maybe you'll have better luck with this one. Maybe it will be like Alice and not end up dead like Daniel or a complete fuck-up like me."

I couldn't believe what I was hearin'. To think that the boy I loved was capable of such cruel words…

Esme gasped, the hurt evident on her face. "Edward," Carlise stood up and took a step toward his son. "Outside. Now!"

The look on his face and the sound of his voice left no doubt that he was absolutely livid.

Edward stood and followed his father through the kitchen and out the back door.

Alice and I stayed to comfort Esme even though, more than anythin', I wanted to know what was goin' on between Edward and his father.

"Mom, don't listen to him. He doesn't mean it." Alice soothed.

Esme nodded as the tears fell. "I know honey. I don't know why, but I fooled myself into thinking he might be happy about this."

"Esme," I spoke up then, feelin' terrible about the way Edward had treated his mother, "it's not you or the baby he's lashin' out at. I was hopin' that therapy would help him, but I'm afraid he's gettin' worse. He really hates himself." I ended in a whisper.

Esme and Alice nodded and Esme hugged me tighter to her side.

"He's mad at the whole world." She said softly. "We just have to keep fighting for him Bella."

About ten minutes later Carlisle returned, followed by a very contrite Edward.

He swallowed hard as he approached his mother. "I'm sorry, Mom."

She nodded but never uttered a word as she hugged him, all the while rubbin' her hand over the back of his head in a soothin' manner.

_***P*S***_

The next day, Daddy arrived, and the day after that, we drove back home.

No matter what I did durin' those last two days, I hadn't been able to pull Edward from the black mood that had descended on him Friday night. He didn't say much about the talk he'd had with his father other than that Carlisle had told him he wasn't above 'knockin' him on his ass' if he ever made his mother cry again. Edward actually chuckled about that, but if I tried to pry any more information from him, he got angry.

I gave up, not wantin' our last couple of days to be spent fightin'.

I was gratified that he hadn't gone back to drownin' his sorrows in alcohol, but had a feelin' that would change the moment I left.

_*****P*S***** _

_**-Spring- Edward, Age 17 years** _

I woke every morning, usually gasping from the nightmare I'd just endured. Lately, my first waking moments weren't even graced with a short period of blissful ignorance. Instead, I was assaulted from the moment I opened my eyes with the realization of what had happened.

_My little brother was never coming back…._

As if that wasn't bad enough, the next realization usually succeeded in ripping my dead heart from my chest.

_My fault…_

How many days had it been? A hundred, two hundred?

Each grey morning had followed another until I'd lost count.

If it was Tuesday, I'd keep my appointment and lie to the therapist, telling her that I was reading the books she'd recommended and that they were helping, knowing full well that she wouldn't buy my bullshit for much longer.

I'd lie to my parents, my sister, my teachers…

I'd lie to Bella on the phone…

With each passing day, it was becoming more difficult to keep track of my lies. I wondered how long I could continue this pathetic charade. I wondered if everyone already saw through it…

I sensed a change was coming, but couldn't quite put my finger on what that change would be.

I only hoped it was 'freeing'. I longed to be unburdened, to be at peace, although I knew I didn't deserve it.

Because peace was impossible, I'd settle for the numbness which alcohol granted.

I craved that numbness most days.

Although… not as much as I craved Bella.

_Bella_

Everything good or happy or worthwhile inside of me was wrapped up in my feelings for Bella. She was my lifeline, my hope, my future.

It shouldn't be like this. I had no right to tie her to me this way. She should be free to have a happy life, one she won't have if she spends it with a broken man. However, no matter how I tried, I couldn't force myself to let her go.

I just… couldn't.

I was despicable.

 _I'm so tired of learning to talk_  
Building fences on the wall  
In this state, I shall not remain

_I don't want to go, but if I die young_  
 _Fill my empty room with the sun_  
 _Fill my empty room with the sun_

_This doesn't matter like it did before_  
 _This doesn't matter much anymore_

_Change my mind or help me to try_  
 _I'm afraid and I'm not satisfied_  
 _In this state I shall not remain_

_I don't want to go, but if I die young_  
 _Fill my empty room with the sun_  
 _Fill my empty room with the sun_

_This doesn't matter like it did before_  
 _This doesn't matter much anymore_  
 _This doesn't matter like it did before_  
 _This doesn't matter much anymore_

_Daylight is not the same_  
 _When your stabbing at the stars_  
 _In your eyes, and bleeding_  
 _Is what you see_

_This doesn't matter like it did before_  
 _This doesn't matter much anymore_  
 _This doesn't matter like it did before_  
 _This doesn't matter much anymore_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little peek into Edward's troubled mind. Song Recs: "I Knew I Loved You" by Savage Garden. "Empty Room" by Marjorie Fair.
> 
> The next chapter is complete and will post very soon. It will complete this year in Bella's life. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, and thanks for your patience. I'll be on Facebook as Annie Author Vandv, and in the FB group Emmamama's Stories.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Twilight.
> 
> Thanks once again to the gracious and lovely aurellacullen for her beta/prereading work. Her assistance, as always, has been invaluable. Muah! My dear.
> 
> Still a continuation of the year in Bella's life which started in chapter 9.

****

**Chapter 12**

_**-Spring-Bella, age 16 years…** _

Durin' the next month, I attempted to keep busy. It wasn't difficult seein' that I had school work to do, as well as applyin' for a summer job whilst also studyin' to get my driver's license. The day I received my license, Daddy had surprised me with a car he'd purchased a couple of months before, but had kept hidden at my Aunt and Uncle's house.

It was an old Subaru wagon, pale yellow exterior with tan seats, and although it had over a hundred thousand miles and more than a few dents in the body, I loved it from the moment Daddy handed me the keys.

There was no way that little car could ever compare to the vehicles that Edward and Alice owned, but I didn't care. All that mattered was that it was mine.

I still spoke with Edward almost every day, sometimes the conversations were strained, particularly followin' one of his therapy sessions; but if I was patient, the boy I'd fallen in love with would eventually surface.

He was slippin' further away with each passin' day, but I still foolishly clung to the hope that somehow I wouldn't lose him.

_**P*S**_

My prom was on the first Saturday in May. Edward arrived the evenin' before, my father makin' sure to rush to the door ahead of me to greet him. "Hey there, Edward." He said in almost a gleeful tone.

I stood behind him, rollin' my eyes, which caused Edward to laugh. But it didn't escape my notice that, even with the smile, he looked drawn and tired.

Daddy wasn't workin' until Saturday night, which gave him the perfect opportunity to hover all that day. It also killed any hope I had for some alone time with Edward.

Well, except for the prom itself.

When I descended the stairs in my dress, the sight of Edward waitin' for me took me back to the winter formal over a year before. How different our lives were now, but Edward still took my breath away.

"You're so beautiful," he murmured before we said our goodbyes to Daddy.

When we pulled into the parkin' lot of the 4-H conference center, I was suddenly glad that my prom was bein' held before Edward's.

This year, instead of holdin' the dance in the school gymnasium, as was typical, our class had participated in fundraiser after fundraiser to raise enough money to afford the conference center. The place couldn't hold a candle to the elegant hotel in downtown Philadelphia where we'd be the following weekend, but still, the wooded settin' on the banks of the lake was quite beautiful in its own right.

All that day, Edward had been tense and broodin'. His mood didn't improve after we'd arrived at prom; if anythin', it got worse. In the past, he'd used bourbon or another choice of liquor to cope when he was upset, so my nerves were on edge all evenin', worryin' that he'd make a trip out to his car and come back smellin' of alcohol.

It never happened though.

That's not to say however,that the evenin' still didn't end badly.

When we weren't dancin', we spent time with Cameron and Cheryl. At one point, when it got rather warm indoors, we all stepped outside to enjoy a breath of fresh air beside the lake. After a while, the boys left to refill our drinks, which gave Cheryl and me an opportunity to talk.

"How's everything going Bella?" she asked as she studied my face.

I shrugged. "Okay, I guess."

"Maybe it's none of my business, but did you and Edward have a fight?"

I frowned. "No. What makes you think that?"

"It's just that you both seem really tense. Edward," she hesitated, "I don't know, he seems really pissed off about something."

I could feel my shoulders slump. I'd been holdin' out hope that maybe I was the only one aware of Edward's bad humor. "He's just got a lot on his plate right now. Some days are worse than others."

Cheryl nodded. "I get that Bella, you told me how he's holding himself responsible for what happened to his brother, but it doesn't give him an excuse to be so… abrupt with you. You're not a doormat."

I'd told Cheryl about what happened to Daniel, and Edward's reaction. Not everythin', but I'd told her more than I'd told anyone else.

_Was Edward really that bad?_

_And if so, why hadn't I noticed?_

I shook my head. "You don't understand. It's not like that. He's really very good to me." The statement wasn't completely true, but I preferred to think about how the old Edward treated me.

"All I know is that you've also been grieving, Bella. It's not fair that you have to carry the weight of your boyfriend's bad mood on your shoulders as well."

"No, Cheryl, you've got it all wrong…"

"Do I?" She looked at me with narrowed eyes. "Look, I'm your friend, and you'll always come first in my book. If you need to talk I'm here, okay?"

I smiled and nodded. "Thanks."

"But at the moment, I really need to pee. Do you want to come with?" She asked, changin' the subject, for which I was grateful.

"No, I'd better wait for the boys. Wouldn't want them to worry if they came back and we were both gone."

She grinned. "Oh, yeah. Good thinking Swan." She said with a wink before dartin' back toward the hall.

I stood watchin' how the moonlight reflected on the water, wishin' that the tension would just go away, and things could go back to the way they were before. Suddenly, a voice interrupted my thoughts. "Hey, Bella. You look beautiful tonight." I turned to find Mark standin' there smilin' at me.

"Thanks," I returned the smile. Mark was a nice guy, one of the few who hadn't picked on me durin' my awkward years. I'd felt a small measure of remorse when I'd turned down his request to be my prom date, but it couldn't be helped. I was Edward's, and Edward's alone.

"Did your boyfriend abandon you?" he asked as his eyes darted back toward the buildin'. The smile on his face told me he was jokin'.

"No, he went to get some refreshments."

"Oh, that explains it. The line's really long." He said with a knowin' smile.

I nodded and glanced around. "So, how about _your_ date?"

Mark rolled his eyes. "She's um, in the ladies room."

When I'd introduced Edward to Mark, I hadn't missed the glare that Edward shot him; but I'd hoped that Mark had. Especially since his date had started talkin' very animatedly about how she went to Pennsylvania every summer to visit her cousins, babblin' on as if we'd all been friends for years.

I plastered on a fake smile. "She seems… _nice."_

He raised an eyebrow before we both broke down in laughter. "She's awful, Bella. She's the daughter of one of my Mom's friends and I didn't realize what she was like before I asked her to be my date. She never shuts up. This conversation, with you, is the most I've gotten to speak all night."

We laughed again.

He reached over and placed his hand on my forearm, "You were the one I really wanted as my date, but I didn't know you had a boyfriend. I hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable." His touch was innocent enough, but I felt myself begin to pull away, not wantin' to give the wrong impression.

"Get your hands off of her!"

My head spun in the direction of the angry voice, only to find Edward stormin' toward us, his expression murderous. I vaguely registered Cameron and Cheryl trailin' behind him.

Before I could intervene, Edward had pushed against Mark's chest, causin' him to stumble backward. Thankfully he didn't fall.

"Edward!" I shouted. He never took his eyes off of Mark, not even to glance in my direction.

"What the hell's your problem man?" Mark shouted at him.

"My problem is that you put your fucking hands on _my_ girl!"

"I touched her arm, you idiot. It's not like I did anything , Bella's not your _property_ anyway, douchebag." I frowned at Mark's attempt to 'defend' me.

"Don't you even say her name," Edward yelled as he moved closer to Mark. I grabbed at his arm in a futile attempt to pull him back.

"Would you listen to yourself? What a dick." Mark glared at Edward before turnin' toward me, "Bella, you don't have to put up with this..."

"I told you not to say her fucking name!" Edward cut him off, and before anyone could stop him, his fist came flyin' up to meet the left side of Mark's face, the force of it knockin' him to the ground.

"Edward!" I shouted and lunged for his arm just in time for his elbow to hit me in the chest when he reared back, preparin' to hit Mark again; even while the poor boy was still on the ground. Thankfully, Cameron and a couple other guys were able to stop him that time.

I sat down on the grass, tryin' to catch my breath after havin' the wind knocked out of me by Edward's elbow.

Two boys from my class grabbed onto my boyfriend, and began to pull him away toward the front of the buildin', while Cameron and a couple others stayed with Mark. I watched in disbelief as Edward continued to shout obscenities until he was out of hearin' range.

Cheryl rushed over to me, and once I'd caught my breath, I stood and moved closer to Mark. "I'm so sorry," I began softly.

Mark was back on his feet by this time and I could already see the bruise formin' on his cheek.

"It's not your fault, Bella." He moved until he was standin' right in front of me. "He's got a hell of a temper though. I hope he doesn't ever take his anger out on you." I could hear the worry in his voice.

"No, Mark. Edward would never…" I trailed off realizin' that, until that moment, I didn't think him capable of hittin' another person without a good reason. "He's goin' through a lot right now. Please believe me, this isn't his typical behavior."

Mark nodded thoughtfully. "Just, promise me Bella that you won't stick around if he ever tries to hurt you. You deserve better."

I nodded but didn't answer. A crowd had formed around us, as everyone from inside the buildin' had suddenly poured forth through the doors.

I knew he was concerned about me, but I didn't want to have to defend Edward to Mark or to anyone else.

No matter how much I explained, they would never understand him the way I did.

I was on the verge of tears; humiliated in front of my classmates and teachers, but also worried about the boy I loved. I needed to find Edward, and make sure he was okay.

The worst part of it all was the guilt I felt over the fact that I'd somehow caused this.

Edward's temper was so unpredictable; I should have realized that it wasn't a good idea to allow myself to be alone with Mark.

I was a bundle of nerves as Cheryl silently placed her arm around my shoulders and we started walkin' in the direction we'd seen Edward go when he was led away.

My eyes almost bulged from their sockets when I caught sight of Edward leanin' against a police cruiser, while my Daddy stood in front of him frownin' and speakin' in a low voice.

"Daddy, what are you doin' here?" I practically shouted as we approached.

"I've been out here the whole time, Bells, working security for the prom."

_Oh, no…_

Part of me had hoped that my Daddy would never find out about the evenin's events.

He turned back to Edward then. "Normally, that means sitting in my cruiser doing crossword puzzles. Unfortunately this year, Edward decided to make my evening a little more memorable."

Edward's face was pinched with worry, "Are you going to arrest me Chief?"

Daddy cocked his head to the side while studyin' Edward's face. "Should I?"

Edward shrugged, lookin' a little embarrassed. "Probably."

"I guess it all depends on what the boy you punched has to say." Daddy crossed his arms over his chest and cleared his throat before speakin' again. "Son, I'm gonna ask you a question and I want the truth."

Edward stared into my Daddy's eyes, and gave a small nod.

Daddy paused, still studyin' Edward's face as he spoke again, "I need to know if you're under the influence of any drugs or alcohol."

Edward shook his head. "Nothing, sir."

I knew it was the truth, for once. Daddy also seemed to accept his answer.

"Okay, well, I'm going to have a word with this other kid, and if he agrees not to press charges, then you may be off the hook." Daddy rubbed his hands over his face. "Have you calmed down enough to drive?"

Edward nodded. "Yes, Chief."

"Are you sure? Because I'm not entrusting you with the well-being of my little girl if you can't control yourself." Daddy asked in a stern tone.

"Yes, I'm fine. I swear."

Daddy rubbed the back of his neck and turned to face me. "Bells, are you okay to ride with Edward?"

"Of course." I answered in a quiet voice, keepin' my eyes on my Daddy's face.

He blew out a breath and shot another look at Edward. "Okay. It's probably best if you two leave. I'll see what I can do here, and then we'll speak when I get home, Edward."

Edward nodded. "Yes, sir."

Daddy gave me a quick hug before walkin' around the side of the buildin'.

Edward turned and began to walk toward his car. I followed silently until I felt a hand tug on my arm, holdin' me back.

"Bella, you don't have to do this. Cameron and I will give you a ride home."

Edward stopped and turned to face us, foldin' his arms across his chest as he regarded us carefully.

"It's okay, Cheryl. I'm fine. I'll call you tomorrow."

Edward quirked an eyebrow at her and smirked, knowin' he'd won.

_What the hell was wrong with him?_

In response, Cheryl glared at him. "You'd better watch yourself, Cullen. You may have the Chief fooled, but so help me," Cheryl practically growled, "if you hurt her, I will make you pay."

Edward didn't answer; instead he fixed his stare on me. "Are you ready?"

I nodded and without another word to Cheryl, followed him.

Edward was silent as we pulled out of the parkin' lot. I kept waitin' for the apology that I knew would come. Only it didn't.

He never uttered a single word until he pulled into my driveway. Then he cut the engine and turned to face me. I tensed when I saw the angry expression on his face. I couldn't imagine what he had to be angry about.

"I guess I should apologize for losing my temper, but I'm not sorry Bella." He stared at me, not an ounce of remorse visible in his expression. "I know what that fucker was thinking. He's just hoping for a chance to take you away from me."

"Edward, he was not…"

"Yes, he was." He ran his hand agitatedly through his hair. "Do you not understand what that does to me? Knowing that these assholes get to see you every day, when I can't?" He turned to stare through the windshield, focusin' on nothin' in particular. "I mean, I wouldn't blame you for choosing one of them over me. I've done nothing but fuck up your life."

All the fight seemed to go out of Edward then as his shoulders slumped and he let his head drop down to rest against the steerin' wheel.

My heart was heavy in my chest at the sight of him. I reached over and grasped his shoulder with my hand. "Hey," I whispered. He turned his head to look in my direction, a tortured expression on his face. "I love you. That's not gonna change no matter how many of my classmates you decide to punch or if you move away to live on the moon. No matter what you do, or where you go, always remember that." I assured him with a small smile; my words causin' his lips to turn up at the corners.

He reached for me, and there, in the confined space of Edward's car, we held tight to each other, preparin' to face whatever was to come.

We had just gone inside when Daddy arrived home. Thankfully, Mark had decided not to press charges, so Edward was in the clear. I made a note to thank him upon my return to school on Monday.

_***P*S***_

The next Friday evenin', I found myself on board a flight bound for Philadelphia.

I was a bit taken aback when it was Esme and Alice greetin' me at the airport instead of Edward, but tried my best not to let the hurt show. I hugged them both, smilin' at the fact that Esme's tummy was noticeably larger than it had been a month before.

When we pulled out of the parkin' deck and onto the highway, I finally worked up the courage to ask. "Where's Edward?"

"Um, he left the house after school to pick up his suit from the dry cleaners, but texted an hour ago saying that he wouldn't be able to make it to the airport." Alice explained. "I wanted to drive, but Mom wouldn't let me go alone." She smiled.

It was now after eight o'clock and I had a bad feelin', wonderin' where Edward could be.

Hours passed and still no Edward. I had sent a text to let him know I was at his house, but got no response. By eleven o'clock I was weary and sad.

Alice was quiet as we got ready for bed. Once we were settled with the light out, she began to tell me in whispers, the things she hadn't confided over the phone. "I doubt Edward told you this when he was down there last weekend, but Mom and Dad laid down the law after you left in April. He's not allowed to go anywhere unless it's pre-approved by one of them, and Dad searches his room and car for alcohol every couple of days."

She sighed loudly. "I don't think he's gotten drunk since then, but he's been extremely hard to live with." She turned on her side to face me, proppin' her head on her hand. "He's going to be in big trouble with Dad for disappearing like this. Sometimes he seems to go out of his way to make everyone angry with him. It's like he's trying to make people hate him."

My heart ached. Edward was cryin' out for help, but nothin' anyone did seemed to make a difference.

I was utterly exhausted and sad to the core as I finally drifted off to sleep.

It was the sound of raised voices that woke me durin' the night. Alice groaned at the same moment that I sat up in bed. A glance at her bedside clock told me that it was two in the mornin'.

"I am sick and tired of this shit, Edward." Carlisle's voice drifted up to where Alice and I sat on the landin', eavesdroppin'. "Your mother and I have given you every opportunity to fix this behavior, but you seem determined to throw our trust back in our faces."

"It was a simple task Edward. You were supposed to pick up your suit and then Bella at the airport. Instead, you go missing and return God knows how many hours later, _drunk_. You've been driving around Philadelphia in this state; you could have hurt yourself or someone else." Carlisle was seethin' with anger. "Did you even get the suit?"

I didn't hear Edward's answer.

"That's just great. Your girlfriend flew all the way up here for _your_ prom and you can't even be bothered to do what you're supposed to. I guess you found a party, huh? Getting wasted and worrying your family, specifically your pregnant mother, was more important than anything else?"

"No, that's not how it was." Edward tried to defend, his voice a hoarse whisper.

"Like hell, Edward. But you know what? I don't want or care to hear your excuses. I'm done. I'm taking your keys. You will only be allowed to drive to and from school. Period. I shouldn't even allow you go tomorrow night, but that would hurt Bella more than you, not to mention that your sister has been looking forward to spending this weekend with you and Bella for ages."

"Was Bella very upset?" Edward asked; his tone remorseful.

"What do you think?" Carlisle snapped at him. "But don't worry, you know Bella, she keeps it all inside. She loves you so much that every hurt, every ounce of pain that you cause, is buried deep. No doubt she's already forgiven you for tonight, although you don't deserve it."

"I don't deserve her." Edward added in a whisper.

"Don't." His father challenged. "Don't you _dare_ start feeling sorry for yourself and expect one ounce of pity from me. You screwed up. Now you need to man up to that fact and fix it."

"Girls," Esme's voice was soft, but it still caused me and Alice to jump. We turned to find her standin' behind us. "Go to bed." She directed with a small smile, although her eyes were sad.

We scrambled to our feet and disappeared into Alice's room, not hearin' any more of the conversation between Edward and his father.

It was impossible to fall back to sleep. After what seemed like forever, I heard Edward come upstairs, his tread was heavy as he approached Alice's door. There was silence as he paused, no doubt debatin' whether or not to come inside. After a moment, he continued on to his own room and shut the door.

I lay there starin' at the ceilin' not knowin' what to do. As much as I wanted to go to him, to comfort him, I couldn't bring myself to move. I played everythin' over in my mind that had happened since October; Edward's pitiful state after Daniel died, and his despair and anger which only seemed to get worse as time passed.

I needed to think, and that's exactly what I did.

I thought about what Carlisle had said. Edward _had_ hurt me. I knew that if somehow hurtin' me helped him to get better, I would put up with it and more. Unfortunately, it _wasn't_ helpin' in any way, shape or form.

If he continued along this path, somethin' awful was goin' to happen. I closed my eyes and prayed that Carlisle's tough love would help bring the Edward I loved, and missed, back to me.

_***P*S***_

The grey light of early dawn was peekin' through Alice's curtains when I stole from her bed and made my way to Edward's room. I quietly opened the door and crept inside.

Edward was lyin' across the bed on his stomach, snorin' softly. I resisted the urge to climb in beside him; instead I sat down on his desk chair and waited.

The scent of liquor and stale cigarette smoke hung heavy in the air. It could have been the result of bein' around others who had been smokin', but I couldn't help but wonder if Edward had developed a new habit durin' the past month. I shook my head and sighed.

The sound must have been louder than I intended because it caused Edward to stir. He blinked open his eyes and after a moment, gave me a sad smile before reachin' a hand toward me.

I walked over to the bed, and sat down beside him, placin' my hand in his. Eventually, he reached around my waist with his other arm and just held onto me.

He told me he was sorry.

I lied and said it was okay.

_***P*S***_

"Let's dance," Edward gave me a sexy smile before pullin' me onto the dance floor.

The evenin' had promised to be perfect. For once, Edward seemed to have shed his dark mood and was more like the boy from a year ago. We'd driven separately from Alice and Ryan, but had met up with them, and several of Edward's and Alice's friends, downtown for dinner.

An hour or so after arrivin' at the prom, Edward began to behave strangely. If I hadn't known better, I'd have sworn he'd been drinkin' but there was not even a hint of alcohol on his breath.

Later, as we danced I looked up to find him half-smilin' down at me just as one of his hands left the small of my back, movin' downward until it was splayed across my bottom. "Edward!" I whispered urgently, afraid of who might see. "Don't."

He didn't remove his hand. Instead, his smile grew bigger and he flexed his hips until I could feel his erection against my stomach. My mouth fell open in surprise and he leaned down until his lips were next to my ear. "Seems I've got a little problem, baby. You wanna help me take care of that?"

I could feel my face flamin' and I felt as if the eyes of everyone on the dance floor were trained on us. "Edward," I hissed, "this is embarrassin'; move your hand, please. People can see."

He laughed in response. "You've got the best ass out of any girl here, Bella; and I want everyone to know that you, and that fine ass, belong to _me_ and no one else _._ "

I swallowed hard before givin' him a pleadin' look. He hesitated a moment longer before lettin' out a frustrated sigh and movin' his hand up to rest on the small of my back once again.

I gazed up into his too dark eyes, not a hint of the beautiful green showin', and tried to understand what was happenin'. "Behave." I said in a whisper.

He snorted. "I'll try; but you're wasting time worrying about what other people think, Bella. I don't give a fuck." He looked away from me then. "I mean, no matter how good you try to be, the universe still finds a way to shit on you."

"Edward…"

"It's okay Bella." He shrugged and the smirk was back. "I'm okay."

He definitely wasn't okay. Somethin' was goin' on, but I was at a loss to figure it out.

"I need a drink." I blurted, wantin' nothin' more than to get off of that dance floor before we had a repeat of what happened before.

The prom was windin' down by then and I said goodbye to Alice, knowin' I'd see her at home soon.

Durin' the elevator ride to the parkin' deck, Edward used his body to press me against the wall. When he touched his lips to mine, and his hands began to wander, I was more than relieved that we were alone.

Even so, I wasn't entirely comfortable with the situation. When his tongue forced its way into my mouth, seekin' out mine and one of his hands cupped my breast, his thumb purposely grazin' the nipple through the thin fabric, part of me wanted to melt into his kiss, his touch, while another part wanted to fight against him.

He wasn't _my_ Edward at that moment, he was somebody else.

Thankfully, just as I was about to push him away, the elevator chimed, signalin' that we'd reached the parkin' deck.

As we drove away from the hotel, it didn't take long for me to notice that we weren't headed in the direction of Edward's house. "Where are we goin'?"

"To a party," he answered simply.

About ten minutes later, he parked the car in front of a shabby lookin' apartment buildin'. As we made our way inside, he explained further. "The people who live here, Chelsea and her boyfriend JD, used to go to our school."

Once on the fourth floor, we stopped in front of apartment 4D and he knocked.

A tall boy with dark hair and pale, unhealthy lookin' skin answered, and I vaguely remembered seein' him at the prom.

"Hey man, what took you so long?" He asked Edward before unashamedly checkin' me out. Edward didn't have a chance to answer before the boy was openin' the door wide and turnin' toward the other people in the room. "Cullen's here, time to get this party started." A couple of hoots sounded from inside.

A short time later, I was seated sideways across Edward's lap on a dingy grey sofa while people all around us were drinkin' and smokin'. I was disappointed when Edward took an offered beer. I hoped he didn't drink too much, because I had no desire to try and drive his car through the streets of Philadelphia.

When Edward left the room to talk in private with the boy who had answered the door, I suddenly found myself alone in a room full of strangers. I felt awkward and out of place as I sat there listenin' without sayin' a word. It turned out that JD, a big muscular guy, who was entertainin' everyone with stories of how he used to skip school in order to get high with his buddies, was in his twenties.

At first, I couldn't understand why a bunch of high school kids were hangin' out with him; but then I remembered my Daddy tellin' me about a boy livin' in the next town over from us, who used to go to my school. His home had become a flop house of sorts for underage kids. It was where they went to find whatever they were lookin' for, be it drugs or alcohol. I shuddered at the thought and wondered how often Edward frequented this apartment.

Lost in my own head, I wasn't aware that there was someone standin' in front of me until she spoke. "Here," I looked up to see a girl with pink streaks in her hair, offerin' me a beer. I definitely hadn't seen her at the prom. When I declined the drink, she got a little hostile. "Come on, don't be a pussy", she chided, "everyone has to drink here, it's a rule."

I could tell she was either drunk or high, and I bit my lip before givin' her another small shake of my head. "No, but thanks for offerin'," I said, tryin' to sound appreciative.

"What's your problem, our beer not good enough for you, little miss prom queen?" She sneered as she batted at the material of my dress with her free hand.

"Chelsea, leave her alone," I looked behind the pink-haired girl to find Amber standin' there. Amber, the girl I'd first laid eyes on years ago, around the time she was attemptin' to steal my boyfriend. The same Amber I'd seen last year at the winter formal and again this evenin' at prom. I noticed that she'd changed out of her dress and was clothed in tight jeans and a low-cut top, drinkin' a beer of her own as she eyed me with curiosity. My mouth fell open in surprise. First, surprise at seein' her there; and second, surprise that she'd defended me. "She doesn't party. You're a goody goody aren't you little Swan?"

Her words made me think of Jamie, the only other person to call me that. So, maybe Amber wasn't bein' nice after all.

Chelsea laughed, "Why did you call her that?"

"Cause that's her last name." Amber laughed before takin' a long sip of her beer.

Chelsea cackled loudly. "She can only be _so_ good if she's with Cullen." She continued to talk to Amber as if I wasn't there. "But if he's with her, at least that explains why he won't hook up with you. I mean, you practically gave him a lap dance last time he was here. I was beginning to think he was gay." Chelsea continued to cackle, while I felt sick.

"Shut the fuck up, whore." Amber muttered. Chelsea merely laughed again.

My head was spinnin' with thoughts of Amber throwin' herself at a drunken Edward. I needed to get out of there. The room felt crowded and too loud, makin' it difficult to breathe.

I stood swiftly and brushed past the girls, "Ohhh," Chelsea exclaimed, "I think I hit a nerve," their laughter rang in my ears as I turned down the hallway in search of a bathroom.

My plan was to lock myself inside until Edward found me.

It wasn't a very good plan.

The first door I came to was partially open so I reached inside to switch on the light, only to find that it was a bedroom, not a bathroom. As soon as I spied the half-naked couple; the boy seated on the bed, the girl on the floor with her head in his lap, I switched the light off again, grabbin' for the doorknob in order to close the door behind me as I fled. The muffled cries of protest from the couple inside followed me as I made my escape. I was so flustered that I almost bumped into another couple who were practically havin' sex right there against a wall.

_Oh my God…_

I finally found the bathroom behind the next door I tried. Thankfully, the room was unoccupied. So I locked myself inside.

I stood with my back against the door for a moment, shakin' all over, as I tried to catch my breath. These people were awful. I had visions of the police arrivin' and arrestin' me along with everyone else, and then havin' to explain things to my Daddy.

I didn't know what Edward could have been thinkin' by bringin' me here, and he'd surely lost his mind by goin' off and leavin' me alone the way he had.

I felt the anger start to build; and this time, I didn't fight it.

After takin' a few minutes to use the facilities and pull myself together, I drew in a deep breath and stared in the mirror; willin' myself to march out there, find Edward, and insist that he take me home immediately.

I would brook no argument. I was a woman on a mission.

When I arrived back in the livin' room, I didn't have a chance to feel relieved over the fact that Edward had returned, because my attention was drawn to the figure perched beside him on the arm of the sofa. Amber was talkin' and laughin' with _my_ boyfriend, while she ran her fingertips down the front of his shirt.

I never knew that I was capable of feelin' the level of jealousy that I felt at that moment.

I stormed over toward them, barely registerin' the smirk on Chelsea's face as I passed her. "Edward." I said in a voice louder than usual.

His head popped up and he smiled widely. "Hey, baby. Where'd you go?" He reached for me, tryin' to pull me down, but Amber was too close. She just stared back and forth between me and Edward; I arched my eyebrow and glared. In response, she rolled her eyes and moved off the arm of the sofa, and away from us.

_Finally._

Once seated back on Edward's lap, I continued usin' the forceful tone. "Edward, I want to go home."

He leaned in until his forehead was touchin' mine. "I'm too fucked up, baby. We need to wait a little while." His eyes were blacker than before, and the way he spoke reminded me of the times he'd been really drunk.

He'd only had two beers that I knew of…

I frowned, knowin' that he couldn't drive in that state.

Durin' the next hour or so, I plied Edward with Mountain Dew and huffed in displeasure at the boy who offered him a joint, refusin' it before Edward had a chance to answer for himself.

When I deemed he was sober enough, I stood from his lap and grabbed his hand. "Come on, we're leavin'."

He frowned. I could tell that he was tryin' to come up with a reason to stay, but couldn't imagine at this point why he'd want to...

"Baby, I think…"

I folded my arms across my chest, lettin' my temper flare; Edward hadn't seen this side of me in a very long time. "That's the problem, Edward. You're _not_ thinkin'. I don't want to be here any longer. We're leavin' _now_ , so get your ass up off that sofa and move it."

His eyes opened wide in surprise, while the sound of muffled laughter sounded around us. I also heard a couple of voices murmur the word 'bitch'. I turned and shot a glare for all of them to see.

I was done playin'.

When I looked back at Edward, he was pushin' up from the sofa and looked as if he was goin' to leave without further argument. That was until Phillip, the boy who'd answered the door, spoke, "Wow Cullen, I never figured you for being pussy-whipped." He blurted out a laugh; everyone in the room joinin' in. I felt Edward stiffen beside me.

I looked up at his face to find him starin' down at me with cold, black eyes. His smirk had turned into more of a scowl. This time, it was Edward who crossed his arms over his chest, "You're so impatient, baby. So eager." He was usin' a teasin' tone, but there was an edge to it, "You wanna fuck in the car so that we don't have to wait until we get home?"

The room exploded with cat calls, whoops and hollers from every direction. I could feel my cheeks flame instantly.

I was absolutely mortified.

At that moment, I wished for nothin' more than for the floor to open up and swallow me whole.

I looked up at him, knowin' he could see the hurt in my eyes.

_Why? Why would he shame me like this?_

Just like the week before, when he'd punched Mark; Edward showed no sign of remorse for what he'd done.

I could feel my eyes fillin' with tears, but there was no way I was allowin' anyone in that room, includin' Edward, to have the satisfaction of seein' me cry. Without another word, I turned and headed towards the door.

He caught up with me in the hallway, and tried to grab my arm. I pulled away. "Don't touch me!"

"Come on, Bella."

I didn't acknowledge him.

When the elevator arrived, I wasn't surprised that he followed me inside. I continued to cry quietly until we reached the ground floor. When I stepped outside the doors, he suddenly grabbed me again and pinned me against the wall. "Stop it!" I practically shouted the words as I tried to push him away.

He wouldn't budge; but instead began attackin' my neck with his lips. "Don't be like that. You know you love me. Come on," his voice dropped to a whisper as he left sloppy kisses all over the exposed skin of my shoulders and chest.

I continued to struggle.

"Come on, baby, let me make you feel good." He reached his hand under my dress and began to slip his fingers under the material of my panties.

I sobbed loudly. "Get away from me!" I wailed before givin' one last push against his chest. His head shot up and his entire body stiffened as he stared at my face.

I hoped he'd finally gotten the message.

I forced myself to look into Edward's dark eyes, while his arms formed a cage on either side of me, keepin' me pinned against the dirty wall. "So what's this really about, _Bella_? This little act you're putting on? You don't want me to touch you? Since when?"

"You're still drunk or high, Edward. You're not actin' like yourself. I want you to leave me alone until you are sober." I stuttered out between my tears.

"Leave you alone? Do you want to break up with me? Why Bella? So when you get back to Virginia you can fuck Mark with a clear conscience?"

I gasped at his words.

"That would be perfect, wouldn't it? I break up with you, and then you're free to do whatever you want." He grasped my upper arms, holdin' them tightly while pullin' me toward him until our lips almost touched. "I won't fucking do it, you're _mine_ and no one else's." He tried to kiss me again and I turned my head. "Stop being a bitch." He growled before graspin' my face and turnin' it so I was forced to kiss him.

I wasn't sure where I found the courage to do what I did next, but instead of returnin' the kiss, I bit down on his bottom lip, hard enough to make him pull away and curse loudly.

I used the fact that he was distracted to escape from him and run through the front door of the buildin'. Outside, he chased me and grabbed my arm again. "Bella, wait."

I shook my head furiously while tryin' to pull away.

Edward kept a tight grip on my wrist. "Bella, please." He paused, "Look, I'm sorry, I was out of line; just stop and talk to me."

I whirled around to face him then.

He was much stronger than me. I was never gonna be able to fight him off. My best hope was to try and make him see reason.

I took a deep breath.

"Let go of me first."

He complied and held his hands up in surrender.

I stared at him for a moment, tears streamin' down my face. "Who _are_ you?" I asked angrily. "Because the boy I've known and loved for over ten years would never say such horrible things to me." I gestured toward the buildin' with my hand. "He would have never taken me _here,_ and left me alone with those people, and then humiliated me in front of everyone." I sobbed loudly and wiped at my eyes. "You accuse me of wantin' to cheat on you, when you've done Gods-knows-what with Amber."

His eyes opened wide at my accusation. "Bella, I never…"

"Just shut up, Edward." I rubbed my eyes again, knownin' I'd most likely ruined my makeup. "You made me feel like some cheap whore."

"Bella, I'm sorry. Please," his voice was pleadin' now.

I held up a hand to silence him and took a deep breath. "I have tried so hard, Edward, but instead of treatin' me as if you actually care for me, you call me a _bitch._ I expect that from them," I pointed toward the buildin' again, "but not from you." Edward winced at my words. "I just don't know you anymore." I turned away from him then and pulled my phone from my purse. He stood watchin' me with his hands shoved in his pockets, lookin' sufficiently chastised.

"What are you doing?" He asked softly.

"I'm callin' a cab, Edward. Goodnight."

He stood there starin' at me with his mouth hangin' open, before his expression suddenly turned livid. "What the hell? Bella, put the phone away, you're not calling a fucking cab!"

"Well, I'm not ridin' with you!" I shouted right back at him and we stood there toe to toe glarin' at one another, neither one prepared to yield.

The sudden ringin' of the phone in my hand was what broke our concentration.

I looked down at the screen and whispered the name aloud, "Alice."

"Hi, Alice."

"Hey, Bella. Are you guys alright?"

"Oh, sure." I answered, hopin' she couldn't tell over the phone that I'd been cryin'.

"Well, where are you? I thought you were coming straight home?"

"No, um," I looked up at Edward, the angry expression havin' been replaced by one of worry. I decided that, as upset as I was with him, I couldn't get him in trouble with his family.

Thinkin' about where we'd gone after winter formal the year before, I came up with a lie. "Edward took me to a little coffee shop. We're just finishin' our cheesecake now."

"Oh, I see," her voice immediately sounded brighter. "That sounds nice. Well, I'll see you soon."

"Okay, bye Alice."

The thought of upsettin' Esme, Alice and Carlisle with the news of Edward's treatment of me was enough to cause all the fight to leave my body.

He'd humiliated me. He'd called me names. He'd practically forced himself on me in the hallway. But despite everythin', I still loved him beyond all reason.

"Take me home." I stated quietly as I moved past him toward his car.

We rode in silence for a while, before he broke it. "You lied to her," he said in almost a whisper.

I looked over to find some semblance of _my_ Edward glancin' back at me. "After I'd been such an asshole to you, you lied for me."

"Call me a fool, but I still love you, despite everythin'." I turned to stare out of my window.

"Oh, Bella. God, I'm so sorry." His voice cracked with emotion, but I refused to look at him. "I just get so angry. I don't know where all that shit came from that I said. I swear I didn't mean it…"

"Save it, Edward. I need quiet so I can think."

"Okay," was his whispered response.

Arrivin' back home in the driveway, he shut off the engine and turned to face me. "Can I speak now?"

It was obvious that he was remorseful, but I wasn't willin' to set aside how much he'd hurt me. At least not yet. "My night is ruined, Edward. But if you need to get somethin' off your chest in order to sleep better, then feel free."

His wounded expression almost caused me to take back my words, but I forced myself to press my lips together.

He rubbed his face with his hands before beginnin'. "I'm sorrier than you know, Bella. Tell me what to do to fix this. I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you."

I sighed and slowly shook my head before reachin' to place my hand on his. " _We're_ not broken, Edward. You don't need to _fix_ us. I'm angry with you sure; but I'll get over it... eventually."

"Will you be able to ever forgive me?"

After closin' my eyes and leanin' back against the headrest, I answered. "It's not a question of forgivin' you. What I need," I turned to look at him once more, "is for you to work on forgivin' yourself."

He opened his mouth to speak, but I placed my fingers on his lips, stoppin' him.

"No, Edward. You really need to think about whether or not I'm worth the effort, because seein' the way you've been these last few months, especially tonight, is killin' me. Little by little, it's killin' me. I love you so much, and to have to stand by and watch you destroy yourself…" I bit back a sob as tears filled my eyes again. "I can't live this way, but I can't live without you either." I drew in a deep breath and turned my head away before forcin' the next words from my mouth, knowin' that I couldn't look at him while sayin' them, "but I _will_ live without you, if that's what it takes for you to get better."

Somethin' akin to a whimper sounded from the seat beside me. I didn't look; instead, I moved to open my door. "I'm goin' to bed, and you've got some thinkin' to do." I whispered.

Leavin' him sittin' alone in that car was one of the hardest things I'd ever done in my life. My biggest fear was that he'd drive away, and that was the last thing I wanted. When I heard his car door open and his slow tread on the path as he followed me to the front door, I felt a strong sense of relief.

We silently entered the house to find it quiet and dark, everyone in bed and, hopefully, asleep. I whispered goodnight before makin' my way to Alice's room. She was waitin' for me.

That night, as I lay beside her, holdin' her hand just as I did when we were children, I poured my heart out to my oldest friend. With tears streamin' down my face, I told her everythin'.

Alice cried with me, and when I had no more tears left to shed, I closed my eyes and drifted into an uneasy sleep.

" _What happened when the shark became famous?" Edward's eyes were twinklin' as he waited for my answer._

" _Um," I shrugged and grinned at him. "I have no idea."_

" _He became a starfish," Edward's grin grew wider and he slid closer to me on the bench._

" _My turn," I announced as I held up my Popsicle stick in order to read the joke. "What did Polly the Parrot want on the 4_ _th_ _of July?"_

" _Hmm," he murmured as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pullin' me close. "I can't imagine."_

" _A Fire Cracker," I answered with a smile. He responded with a chuckle._

" _These get sillier every year," I said as I wrinkled my nose, "Do you think maybe they just seem silly 'cause we're gettin' older?"_

" _That's probably it, but I don't think we'll ever be too old for these silly jokes, Bella. At least I hope not." He leaned down touchin' his lips to mine. The kiss was soft, and brief, and perfect. "Besides, I love the way your lips taste after you've eaten a Popsicle."_

" _Is that so?" I teased._

_He nodded._

" _So, what's your favorite flavor?" I asked as I wrapped my arms around his neck._

_He brushed his lips against mine and lingered there, "Doesn't matter, it can be grape," he gave me a small kiss, "cherry," kiss, "orange," kiss, "as long as it tastes like my Bella, it will always be perfect."_

_I tightened my hold around his neck and brought my lips back to his; the sweet grape taste from the Popsicle still there. When I finally broke the kiss, I leaned my head against his shoulder and we sat together, gazin' across the inlet as the sky darkened into night._

I blinked open my eyes; the dark surrounded me, but the faint light from the streetlamp outside Alice's window left no doubt that I wasn't in Chincoteague, sittin' on the porch with Edward, like in my dream.

My eyes filled with tears once again. How I longed to be able to turn back the clock and return to the days when the only difficulty Edward and I faced was bein' able to steal a quiet moment alone.

Suddenly, the distance between us was too much to bear. I made my way to his room; my vision blurred by my tears, and closed the door behind me.

As soon as I reached the bed, he was pullin' me down, wrappin' his overheated body around mine and clingin' to me as if his life depended on it. "Bella, don't leave me," he begged in barely a whisper. My heart shattered while listenin' to him sob into my chest, every now and then givin' voice to his promise to get better. I ran my fingers through his hair in an effort to comfort and reassure.

When the tears finally subsided, I spoke. "All I want is for you to be well, Edward. I know that you love me, but I want you to love yourself enough to do that." I ran my fingers through his hair again. "You are a good man, Edward. You've just lost sight of that."

He leaned up on his arm and looked into my eyes. "I love you so much. I want to be better."

"Promise me that after I leave, you'll follow through on gettin' the help you need. You can't keep usin' alcohol, and I suppose now drugs?" I gave him a questionin' look and he turned away, not able to hold my gaze. I nodded. "I thought so." I sat there debatin' whether I should ask what drugs he'd taken, but decided against it. I placed my hand on the side of his face, causin' him to look into my eyes once more. "It won't be easy Edward, but I have faith in you. Never forget that I love you."

When I left the next day, I wouldn't see Edward until his graduation six weeks later. I prayed with everythin' I had in me, to a God I wasn't sure was even listenin', to help Edward to forgive himself, and therein, find the peace he so desperately needed so that he could heal in both body and soul.

***P*S***

_**-Spring- Edward, Age 17 years** _

I promised I'd try.

But…

I walked past Daniel's room today. The door was open, which I found strange. I couldn't remember it being open since…

I didn't even think before glancing inside to find my mother sitting on his bed.

She was crying.

The room was exactly the way he'd left it the night of the game.

Nothing moved. Nothing changed.

I forced my feet to carry me down the hall to my room as images and sounds from that night filled my mind.

Once inside, I dropped to my knees while clutching at my chest. I felt like I was suffocating.

The sound of the gunshot echoed in my ears. It was so loud; I'd never heard anything that loud before.

Followed by the sound of screaming…

The sight of Daniel lying in a pool of his own blood…

I remembered not knowing what to do. I took off my jacket and placed it under Daniel's head like a pillow, but I didn't know how to stop the blood…

So much blood…

I sat on the floor and brought my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth as I concentrated on trying to breath and forcing the images from my mind.

_If Bella was here_ , _she'd make it better…_

I tried to think about holding her, kissing her, her hair falling in waves over her shoulders as we made love…

Deep, even breaths…

Then I remembered my mother's tear-stained face.

A pain shot through my chest and I wondered if this was what it felt like to have a heart attack.

Without hesitation, I reached for one of my wrestling trophies on the shelf above my desk and removed the false bottom to reveal my stash of little white pills.

I popped two in my mouth and then a third, a fourth…

I promised I'd try…

But today had proven to be beyond what little strength I had. I needed a little something to take the edge off and help me get through this. I felt certain that if Bella knew what it was like, she'd understand.

Besides, Graduation was weeks away, I still had time to keep my promise to Bella.

I had time...

As the pills began to take effect, it was images of Bella that filled my mind. Her soft skin, her beautiful trusting eyes, her hand in mine, her voice whispering words of love, her kind and generous heart, her forgiveness. A wave of guilt washed over me at the thought of breaking her trust yet again…

I knew I didn't deserve her, that was a given; but without her, I wouldn't survive.

Tomorrow I would do better.

_There's a shadow just behind me,  
Shrouding every step I take,  
Making every promise empty,  
Pointing every finger at me.  
Waiting like a stalking butler  
Who upon the finger rests.  
Murder now the path of "must we"  
Just because the son has come.  
_  
 _Jesus, won't you fucking whistle  
Something but the past is done?  
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle  
Something but the past is done?  
_  
 _Why can't we not be sober?_  
I just want to start this over.  
Why can't we drink forever?  
I just want to start this over.

_I am just a worthless liar._   
_I am just an imbecile._   
_I will only complicate you._   
_Trust in me and fall as well._   
_I will find a center in you._   
_I will chew it up and leave._   
_I will work to elevate you_   
_Just enough to bring you down._

_Mother Mary won't you whisper_  
Something but the past is done.  
Mother Mary won't you whisper  
Something but the past is done.

_Why can't we not be sober?_   
_Just want to start this over._   
_Why can't we sleep forever?_   
_I just want to start this over._

_I want what I want_ __  
**  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Rec: "Sober" by Tool. 
> 
> I was wrong last chapter…we've still got one more to go in order to complete this year.
> 
> Yes, Edward is using. What drugs? Well, since the story is told from Bella's perspective, we only know as much as she does as this point…
> 
> Thanks for reading, and thanks for your patience. I'll be on Facebook as Annie Author Vandv, and in the FB group Emmamama's Stories. 
> 
> Sneak peeks every Thursday of whatever I'm working on at that moment: Emmamamas-stories dot blogspot dot com


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer- Stephenie still owns the usual suspects.  
> I own my original characters and original story.
> 
> Thanks once again to the gracious and lovely aurellacullen for her beta/prereading work. 
> 
> Still a continuation of the year in Bella's life which started in chapter 9. 
> 
> You may need to buckle up for this one.

****

**Chapter 13**

_**-Summer-Bella, age 16 years…** _

"I call 'em _snowbirds._ " Wanda's southern drawl made me smile. It reminded me of my Nana. I gave her a questionin' look. "These customers." She explained while gesturin' toward the tables closest to us.

I'd gotten a summer job at the diner and even though I wasn't scheduled to start for another three weeks, Wanda, the senior waitress, was showin' me the ropes.

"They leave their homes up north just after Christmas in order to winter in Florida. Then long about April, they start headin' back home. I see a lot of the same faces year after year. Stoppin' here to have a meal is a tradition for a fair number of them." She gestured toward the tables again while her voice dropped to a whisper. "Seems to me that these here are stragglers; you don't normally see them travellin' through after May."

It had been a month since the disastrous weekend of Edward's prom.

The past few weeks had been… _tryin'_ to say the least.

I spoke with him daily; but with each call, I could never predict his mood. Some days he was grumpy, borderin' on angry; others he was so quiet that I could barely get him to say more than a few words.

The worst however, were the days that I suspected he had, despite his promises, self-medicated. I confronted him each and every time. As expected, those conversations always ended in an argument.

The days of meek little Bella, who stood by and hoped for things to 'right themselves', were over. I was fightin' for my future with Edward which I felt slippin' further from my grasp with each passin' day.

The fact was, unless he was well, both physically and emotionally, Edward wouldn't have a happy future, with or without me.

Every time I suspected that he was usin', I would tell someone in his family. Often it wasn't necessary, because Carlisle and Esme had cracked down on Edward like never before, and were monitorin' his behavior closely. Well, as closely as parents with careers and a new baby on the way could…

But, as I learned from Alice, unless Edward's parents were willin' to lock him in his room, he would still find a way to acquire drugs or alcohol. Even with limited funds, he always found a way.

He never once admitted to usin', however my _squealin_ ' to his family, as he called it, had caused even more tension between us. I never knew what his mood was gonna be on any given day so, by the time graduation weekend arrived, I wasn't certain if he'd be glad to see me or not.

He'd been disappointed when I told him about my job, no doubt hopin' we'd be spendin' the entire summer together. I tried to explain that I needed to save as much money as possible before startin' college in a year. My conscience wouldn't allow me to ask my Daddy to pay for everythin'.

My boss at the diner had been very understandin' when I explained about my boyfriend graduatin' and me wantin' to spend two weeks with him and his family before startin' full-time.

I doubt she'd have been so nice about it if I wasn't Charlie Swan's daughter. Every time she saw me, Sue made certain to ask how he was. When I teased Daddy about it, he blushed all the way to his ears.

_***P*S***_

"He seems to be making a real effort now Bella," Alice's voice sounded hopeful when I spoke to her a few days before the trip to Pennsylvania. "He finally agreed to attend our family counseling sessions. He just sat there, but the mere fact that he agreed has to mean something, right?"

"I think so," I tried to sound hopeful as well. Edward had confided that he planned to attend the family sessions in addition to his own individual sessions, but said no more than that. I was prayin' with all my heart that this would have a positive impact.

"You okay, Bells?" Daddy asked.

"Um, sure," I paused to glance at my Daddy as he drove. "Just a lot on my mind, ya know?"

The fact was that I wasn't okay.

Not at all.

Knowin' that I'd see Edward in a few short hours had caused me to replay last night's conversation in my head until I was drivin' myself crazy.

He'd been so upset.

It seemed that Esme was havin' problems with high blood pressure, and the doctor had insisted she avoid any stressful situations. If they weren't able to stabilize it soon, he would have no choice but to put her on bed rest.

She only worked part-time and had intended to leave once the baby was born anyway, so she used the opportunity to go ahead and resign early.

The worry about his mother's health seemed to have an effect on Edward. From what I could tell, he'd spent the past few days tryin' his best not to cause his parents any undue stress.

However, accordin' to Edward, his efforts still weren't good enough for Carlisle. He claimed that if he was as much as five minutes late returnin' home, his daddy would tear into him about it.

I tried to soothe Edward by tellin' him that his father was only lashin' out because he was worried about Esme and the baby, much like his son did when he was upset.

"Even when I make an effort to do what's right, I'm still a fuck-up in his eyes," he seethed over the phone line. "I may as well go out and do what I want."

I swallowed hard, "Edward, you promised me."

He laughed bitterly. "Yeah, there's _that._ " He was silent for a moment, as he seemed to be thinkin' about somethin'. "Bella, he's only pissed off at me because I refused his _fucking_ help. He's a total control freak. Just because I didn't let him hold my hand and tell me that I did nothing wrong and that _things that happened,_ weren't my fault, he's resentful." He took a shudderin' breath. "He can't stand that I handled things my own way…"

"Edward," I chastised, "your father isn't like that. Besides, you weren't _handlin'_ it…"

He cut me off, "Oh, that's right; you agree with _him_. I guess I was stupidly hoping that _my girlfriend_ would take my side for once." He blew out a frustrated breath.

"Edward, I _am_ on your side, why can't you see that?"

He was silent for a long moment before I heard him sigh. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm trying Bella, I really am. It's so _hard._ " His voice broke, causin' my heart to clench. "Don't give up on me, okay?"

"Never."

_***P*S***_

I wasn't surprised when Edward didn't greet us upon our arrival that afternoon.

"He's been hiding in his room all day," Alice whispered in my ear when she reached in to give me a hug.

While Daddy chatted with Esme and Carlise, Alice helped me carry the bags upstairs.

I stood in the middle of Alice's room, bitin' my lip nervously. "I guess I should go…" I gestured with my thumb in the direction of Edward's room.

Alice nodded and gave me an encouragin' smile.

As soon as Edward heard me call his name from the other side, the door swung open, and I found myself bein' pulled into his arms. "Glad you're here." He murmured into my hair.

"Me too."

After a moment, I pulled back to look at him. Other than the usual exhaustion, I had to admit that he looked better; _healthier_ than he had in early May. I ran my fingertips over the scruff along his jaw and smiled my approval.

He returned the smile easily.

_***P*S***_

"Okay, so if you're not too tired, I'd like to take you out tonight." Edward suddenly announced from the doorway, startlin' me. The book I'd been holdin' flew from my hands, landin' on the floor with a thud.

He crossed the room, an amused expression on his face as he retrieved the book and turned it over. "Bella, were you snooping at my yearbook?"

"No," I answered too quickly as I felt my face flame.

He smirked, not believin' me for a minute. "Curious as to what my classmates, specifically the _girls_ may have written?" he teased.

"Not _snoopin'"_ , I defended before lettin' my shoulders slump in defeat and starin' down at the floor. "Okay, I saw it lyin' there and after you left the room, it just _called to me._ " I was thoroughly ashamed of myself. "I'm sorry," I whispered, not able to look him in the eyes.

He startled me again by laughin' loudly before pullin' me down on the bed and sprawlin' out beside me. "Silly girl," he whispered before kissin' my lips. "I have nothing to hide." I watched as, at the sound of his own words, a pained expression crossed his face. He blinked several times, cleared his throat, and the smile returned. "Anyway," he pulled me closer, "as I was saying, I want to take you out. I just cleared it with my parents and your father." He said with a roll of his eyes.

"Like on a date?"

"Yes, a date. I realize that I've been one poor fucking excuse for a boyfriend lately," he frowned, "I want a chance to make it up to you."

My heart fluttered in my chest at the sight of the boy I'd missed so much durin' the past eight months. "I'd like that." I whispered.

It felt as if I'd been granted a new lease on life. My Edward was back.

Our date was everything I could have hoped for. Edward knew me too well to take me to some big, fancy restaurant. Instead, we ate cheese steaks at a little retro diner in the city, and afterwards took in a showing at the dollar movie theater around the corner.

Edward was playful and charmin', but that little voice in my head made sure to remind me that appearances could be deceivin'. I knew that deep down; Edward was still a very troubled soul.

… _I hate it when you make me laugh,  
even worse when you make me cry._

_I hate it when you're not around,_   
_and the fact that you didn't call._

_But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,_   
_not even close…_

_not even a little bit…_

_not even at all._

I found myself still smilin' as we exited the theater, headed for Edward's car. "I enjoyed that, thanks for takin' me." I gave him a smile as I looped my arm through his.

"It _was_ good." He mused. Once we were in the car he turned to me. "You know Bella, I'm not even gonna ask what you hate about me because that list has _got_ to be long, and I don't know if I can handle hearing it right now."

I frowned and shook my head furiously in an attempt to argue. He held his hand up to stop me before reachin' across the console and takin' one of my hands in both of his. He stared down at them as he continued. "In an effort to be completely honest, I need to tell you that you were right when you accused me of using during the past month or so." He sighed loudly. "I'm not proud of myself for it. It's just that you have a right to know."

I nodded and then asked him somethin' I'd been avoidin' for months. "When you say that you've been 'usin', what exactly does that involve?"

He closed his eyes and blew out a long breath. "At first, months ago when I was only drinking, I would go to JD's because he was supplying me. There always seemed to be a party going on, so I usually would hang out there for a while. A few minutes always turned into hours, and it didn't take long before I was sampling anything and everything that JD had put in front of me."

I could feel my blood boilin' with hatred for JD.

"I'm not gonna lie, I tried several different drugs Bella, while looking for an escape from the hell I was living through." He rubbed a hand over his eyes as he continued. "Suffice it to say that I'm _really_ trying to stay away from them now. I want to be worthy of you, but I would understand if you decide not to go to Chincoteague with us. I mean, I broke my promise; more than once…"

I placed my fingers on his lips, silencin' him. "Edward. Thank you for bein' honest, but I knew you were lyin' before."

"You did?"

I nodded. "Yes. Your mood swings are a dead giveaway."

He squeezed his eyes shut, his expression painful, "God, how you must hate me right now."

I touched his cheek with my hand and quoted the movie we'd just seen, with a sad smile on my face, "Not even a little bit… not even at all."

He wrapped his arms around me then, "I love you so much," his voice broke as he breathed the words into my ear.

_***P*S***_

I sat next to Alice listenin' to the principal of the high school drone on about the events of the past few years, and what challenges lay ahead for this group of graduates. He struck me as the type of person who loved the sound of his own voice, and I silently wished the ceremony was over, knowin' that by that time tomorrow, we'd be in Chincoteague...

Suddenly, the memory of my Nana's voice came clear to my mind "Isabella honey, tomorrow will get here soon enough, don't go wishin' your life away…"

I smiled at the memory.

Alice's sharp intake of breath caused me to glance in her direction. She was worryin' her lip and starin' at the stage with wide eyes. I turned to look in that direction as well, only to find the principal still talkin'. As soon as my mind registered the words bein' said, I froze.

" _None of us will ever forget the horrific events of that night, and the tragic loss suffered by the Cullen family. All of our hearts broke upon learning the news of the senseless act of violence which tore young Daniel Cullen from the loving arms of his parents and siblings, one of whom is graduating here tonight."_

Esme's loud sob soundin' from Alice's other side, startled me into takin' a breath. I immediately worried about Edward's reaction to what we were hearin'.

My eyes searched the sea of blue robed graduates seated in front of the stage, and I had to fight against the urge to run down there just to make certain that he was okay.

"Why doesn't that fool stop talking." Alice spat out the words, just as I felt my Daddy's arm reach around my shoulders and pull me into his side.

Thankfully, at that point, the principal left the subject of Daniel's death behind and went on to remind the graduates of how their time at Lang had prepared them for the years ahead. I couldn't listen any more. I was too sick with worry over how Edward was coping.

When they finally called his name in order that he might receive his diploma, I watched him as he made his way up the stairs, his head bowed almost to his chest. I glared, wishin' I could bore a hole through that stupid principal as he shook Edward's hand and patted his shoulder in what I supposed was meant to be a gesture of support.

_Idiot._

_***P*S***_

"How are you?" My eyes searched Edward's face once the graduation was over and we'd gathered outside the hall to take photos.

"I'm good." His demeanor was calm, but I noticed he didn't let his gaze meet mine when he answered.

He was broodin', but hidin' it well.

Esme had been visibly shaken by the day's events so, for his mother's sake, Edward made a monumental effort to appear normal when we went to dinner a short time later. I seemed to be the only one who wasn't fooled.

_***P*S***_

There was no denyin' that I was a bit nervous. After all, the last time Edward had taken me to a 'party', it had ended in disaster.

"Where are we goin' again?"

Edward blew out a breath, "Don't worry Bella. We're not going to JD's."

"I never thought that we were." I lied.

I was wishin' that I'd been able to convince Alice to come with us, but she'd insisted that she would feel like a third wheel, and had plans to hang out with Ryan and a couple of other friends that evenin'.

"We won't stay long, I promise."

"Really?" I attempted to relax back into the seat, hopin' that he was bein' honest.

A few minutes later, we pulled into a long, windin' driveway and parked in front of a large sprawlin' stone house. If possible, the residents in this neighborhood were even more affluent than the ones in Edward's.

I looked down at my clothes, chosen from the sale rack at Target, and sighed.

We followed the sound of music around to the back yard. The place was packed with teenagers drinkin', smokin', and bein' a little rowdy.

I never saw a single adult.

"Who lives here?" I whispered yelled as Edward led me by the hand through the crowd.

Once inside the house, he pulled me into a hallway, just off the kitchen where it was less noisy. "This kid I graduated with named Fitz, he lives here with his Dad."

I looked back the way we'd come. People were definitely drinkin' alcohol, but I didn't see any signs of drug use. "Is his Dad okay with the drinkin'?"

Edward smirked. "Probably not, but Fitz pulls shit like this all the time and never gets in trouble. If his Dad comes home, he'll break up the party for sure, but he pretty much lets Fitz get away with anything so that he won't move back in with his Mom."

I rolled my eyes. "Great parentin'."

Edward shrugged.

We mingled and talked with some of Edward's classmates, Edward appeared to be enjoyin' himself, so I tried not to let on that I wanted nothin' more than to go back to his parents' house and spend some time with him alone.

For months, possibly even years after that night, I'd wished that we had left the party early or, at the very least, that I had stayed by Edward's side instead of searchin' out the restroom at the precise moment that I did.

I left him talkin' to Phillip, the boy I'd met at JD's apartment, and some other guy named Christian.

The line outside of the bathroom was fairly long, so it was some time before I was able to return to Edward.

As soon as I exited the bathroom, I heard a lot of commotion which seemed to be comin' from the back of the house. I had to push my way past several people in order to be able to see through the French doors toward the back patio.

The sight that met my eyes, made my stomach lurch.

Edward, his lip bleedin' and shirt torn, was yellin' curses and clenchin' his fists, while several boys held him back. I pushed through the crowd as I tried to get to him. "Edward!" I called causin' him to turn toward me, his expression angrier than I'd ever seen before.

I glanced to the side, and stopped dead in my tracks at the sight of _Jamie Hunter,_ with a bruised and bloody face, also bein' held back by two of Edward's classmates.

"Fuck you Cullen that shit wasn't my fault!" He shouted.

"No, it's my fault for ever being friends with you; you're _poison_." Edward shouted as tears of rage streamed down his face. "I'd like to wring your fucking neck!"

As soon as I was close enough to touch him, I placed my hands on either side of Edward's face, "Edward," I soothed as I forced him to look at me. "Please, Edward. He's not worth it."

The angry light in his eyes seemed to dim for just a moment.

That was until Jamie opened his stupid mouth again. "Yeah? Well, get in line Cullen. You're not the first person to want me dead." Then an evil laugh escaped Jamie's lips. "You of all people should remember that; _you were there_." He laughed again.

I kept my eyes on Edward as his entire body began to shake.

The only excuse for what Jamie said next was the fact that he was obviously drunk. "Maybe next time, since you don't have a brother to spare anymore, you or little Swan can take the bullet intended for me."

At that moment, I knew that not even ten men could have kept Edward from lungin' at Jamie. He got several hits in, and took a few as well before the boys were able to pull them apart again.

"Fucking _leave_ Hunter, you weren't invited." A boy, who I assumed to be Fitz, shouted angrily.

Jamie stood and wiped the blood from his lip. "Some of you assholes used to be my friends," he sneered.

"Not anymore," Fitz answered. "Now get the hell out of here."

Jamie pushed away the arms that had been restrainin' him. "S'alright, Blake's sister's having a party, and Amber doesn't treat her friends like shit." With that, he disappeared into the night.

It took several minutes to calm Edward down.

Once he emerged from the bathroom after cleanin' up, the look in his eyes told me somethin' was off. His anger was palpable, and was rollin' off his body in waves. His eyes were red rimmed, but the pupils were wide and dark.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Never better," he said through clenched teeth. "Let's get out of here." He grabbed my hand and didn't let go until we'd reached the car.

"Edward, are you sure you're okay to drive?"

"I said I'm fine," he barked, "Now get in the fucking car."

I reminded myself that he was upset, and tried not to think about how he'd spoken to me. I was just thankful that we were leavin'.

I tried to rein in the panic I began to feel when, instead of headin' toward his parents' house, he turned onto an unfamiliar street which was crowded with parked cars. "Where are we goin'?" I blurted before I could stop myself.

"I need to take care of something Bella, stop asking so many questions and let me drive!"

I sat back in the seat as if I'd been slapped, but didn't have time to get hurt feelin's, I was too frightened. I watched as he furiously gripped at the steerin' wheel, the knuckles on his right hand swollen from when he'd punched Jamie.

He slowed down, seemingly to find a place to park. As he approached what looked like an expensive sports car idlin' in the street, I could see two people standin' beside the open driver's side door. Once we got close enough, my breath caught in my throat when I recognized them to be Blake and Jamie.

They were arguin'.

Edward suddenly threw the car into park and jumped out, swiftly movin' in their direction. As soon as Jamie saw him, he climbed back in his car and shut the door. I was frozen in my seat as I watched Edward hurl obscenities, while beatin' wildly on the window with his fists. Blake grabbed at his arm, tryin' to pull him away, but Edward shook him off.

Before I was able to blink, Jamie tore off down the street and Edward was back beside me in the car, throwin' it into gear and chasin' after him.

His eyes were fixed on the road ahead, a murderous expression on his face as he drove faster and faster, until we were merely inches away from Jamie's back bumper.

I tried pleadin' for him to stop this madness and turn around, but he never tore his eyes from the vehicle ahead, not even to acknowledge that he'd heard me.

"Edward, please!" I begged, by this time there were tears streamin' down my face as we drove faster and faster over the windin' roads. I held on for dear life and turned to look through the front window just in time to see Jamie take a turn too fast. His car started to swerve, but luckily he was able to regain control in time.

Instead of slowin' down when he approached the same turn, to my horror, Edward pressed his foot down harder on the accelerator.

"Edward, no! Please, please, slow down!" I whimpered just before I felt the car begin to swerve off the pavement.

Edward slammed on the brakes and clutched desperately at the wheel, but it was too late.

My body was thrown toward the console between us with such force that it felt as if the seatbelt was goin' to strangle me. I grabbed for it and lost all sense of direction as the vehicle continued to swerve and spin across the wet ground toward the trees.

The spinning motion finally stalled when the side of the car came in contact with another object, I remember for a split second prayin' that we hadn't somehow slammed into Jamie's car, before the squealin' and groanin' sound of twistin' metal filled the air around me; added to that was the sound of breakin' glass as the window beside me shattered.

All noise and sense of movement ceased as soon as I felt a sharp pain in my head and, at the same moment, everythin' around me went dark.

_***P*S***_

Pain…

So much pain…

My arm, my side, but the worst was the pain in my head…

I heard the sound of metal groanin' under protest; it seemed vaguely familiar somehow, but I couldn't quite remember why.

I could hear muffled voices soundin' from what seemed far away. I thought I even heard Edward callin' my name.

_Was he cryin'?_

It had to be a dream, but it was the strangest one I could ever recall.

I let that thought go.

It hurt to think.

Pain…

Blindin' pain which blocked out everythin' else as it pulled me down into the deep blackness of sleep.

_***P*S***_

When the fog in my head dissipated a little, I noticed that the pain was less. The only sensation that registered was the feelin' of bein' very cold.

I felt chilled to the bone.

I knew if I hadn't been asleep, my teeth would be chatterin'.

The voices were whisperin' in my dream again, only this time they sounded closer.

"Why won't she wake up?"

_Daddy?_

"She'll be out quite a while yet, Chief Swan." Answered a voice I had no memory of ever hearin' before. "We were able to relieve the pressure from the head injury; however she needs time to heal. She'll wake up when she's ready."

Such a strange dream…

"At this point, I'm more concerned about her other injuries," the voice continued, "it's hard to say how well they will heal at this point. We did what we could. There are always further options which we can discuss later…"

_Options? What options?_

I was curious as to what this dream voice was talkin' about, but I felt myself bein' pulled deeper into sleep once again as the voice faded away.

_***P*S***_

The pain in my head had returned. Not as severe as before, but it was still there. In the haze of my dream, I became aware that it wasn't only my head. My entire body ached.

I was still feelin' cold as well.

Except for my right hand. It felt warm; almost as if two other hands were cradlin' it. I tried to lift my head to look, but my dream self wouldn't cooperate. It was then that I heard a very familiar voice.

"I'm so sorry baby," Edward's voice sounded small and sad. It reminded me of something I couldn't quite remember, and I wanted to tell him not to be sad. "You'll never know just how sorry I am."

"I know you can't hear me, but I need to say this anyway. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, Bella." Something soft pressed against my hand.

_Lips?_

"I don't deserve you, but I love you so much that I've been incredibly selfish," his voice cracked and I felt moisture on my hand.

_Such a vivid dream…_

"I've hurt you over and over, and I would give anything if it could be me lying there instead of you." He was sobbin' by then and I couldn't respond.

I wanted to wake up so badly. I wanted to escape the sound of Edward cryin'. Even if it was only in my dreams, it was breakin' my heart.

"I swear baby that I'm going to fix things. I'll never hurt you again. I can give you that much." He said in almost a whisper.

As much as I wanted to stay with my dream Edward, I could feel myself slippin' away once more.

_***P*S***_

Angry voices had intruded on my peaceful slumber as my dreams took a turn for the strange…

"Edward!" I heard both Edward's parents cry out in dismay.

In my dream, I could almost imagine my Daddy's hand clenchin' into a fist and landin' against Edward's face with a sickenin' crunch as it collided with flesh and bone, the powerful force of it knockin' him to the floor.

"No, Charlie!" Esme cried out.

"You bastard," my Daddy spat out the words.

Then the strangest sound of all, Edward's laughter.

_This was a crazy dream…_  
  
"Finally," he said. "Finally, I've found the chink in Chief Swan's armor."

"You'd best shut your mouth boy," my Daddy sounded angrier than I'd ever heard him. "Esme, Carlisle, I'm sorry but I'm gonna need you to leave, and take him with you."

"I'm so sorry, Charlie." Carlisle said in not much more than a whisper.

Again, the darkness beckoned….

_***P*S***_

_**-Summer- Edward, Age 17 years** _

I dropped my head to my hands while I kept vigil beside Bella's bed. Her beautiful battered body lay almost lifeless before me.

_I had done this to her_

"What are you doing in here, Edward?" Chief's Swan's voice sounded from the doorway, startling me a little, but I didn't turn to acknowledge him.

"You need to go back to your room," he continued.

"Is that all you have to say to me?" I looked at him then, expecting to see hatred in his eyes.

But there was none.

"What did you want to hear Edward?"

"That you hate me for what I've done. That as soon as I'm released from the hospital, you're going to kick my ass."

Chief Swan grunted out his disapproval. "I was pretty damned angry, angry enough to pop you in the nose, but I've since had time to cool down. It also helps that Bella's going to be okay. But yeah, I'm still pretty pissed. Does that make you happy, Edward?"

"Maybe." I muttered before looking back at Bella bruised face.

"Look," Chief Swan paused. "I've known you for a long time. I also know that you've lived through one hell of a year. I don't think anyone realized just how bad it's been until now. I _suspect_ that my daughter did, but why she never told me is anyone's guess."

Chief Swan paused and rubbed his hands over his face.

"Am I gonna let you alone with my daughter until you've gotten the treatment you need? Hell, no. You're in some serious trouble and, unless you have a very understanding judge, the next few months are gonna be rough."

"That being said, you're still going to have to prove yourself to me."

"How do I do that?" I asked, more out of curiosity than for any other reason.

"As I said, you need help; although it's a given that any judge worth his salt is going to require that of you. I can't tell you how I'll feel about things until the time comes, but I'm pretty sure that Bella will forgive you." He sighed. "That's her nature. We'll just have to see…"

I frowned at him. "That's it?" I asked incredulously. "I get a little rehab and Bella's forgiveness, and you give me a pass?"

"I never said that…"

"Whatever happened to _protecting your daughter_ , Chief?" I seethed. "You've done a piss poor job of it so far…"

"Now hold on, Edward. I didn't know that you were messing around with drugs, and stop with the self-hatred bullshit already. You fucked up. It's not up to me what happens next, it's up to you…"

" _You_ could do the right thing and forbid me from seeing your daughter!"

"I told you I don't know what's going to happen."

"Yes you do, don't lie. Bella will forgive me, because she's stupid like that, and then she'll convince you to let things go back to the way they were before, because _you're_ stupid like that…"

My parents chose that exact moment to burst into the room.

"Oh, Edward. Thank God," my Mom exclaimed.

My Dad looked at me and then at the Chief. "What's going on?"

"I'm just explaining to Chief Swan why he should keep his daughter away from me."

"Edward, that's a discussion for another day; come on, let's get you back to bed," my Dad reached for my arm but I wrenched it away.

"It's obvious what you're doing," Chief Swan was glaring at me. "You're trying to make me hate you." He let out a gust of air. "That's just not possible, son…"

I glanced at my beautiful girl where she lay quiet and still in the hospital bed.

_My girl…_

That was the trouble. Bella couldn't be _my_ girl. Not anymore. This time I'd fucked up too badly. I'd almost taken her from everyone who loved her, including me.

_My fault, just like with Daniel…_

I swallowed back the tears that were threatening, and summoned the courage to speak the words that would break what was left of my heart.

"Maybe I could help you with that, _Chief._ " My voice sounded dead in my ears. "What if I told you that I got your little girl drunk on New Year's Eve and took her virginity?"

I ignored my mother's gasp and kept my eyes on the Chief.

His faced paled. "What?" the word escaped his mouth in a strangled whisper.

_Bella, please forgive me…_

"That's right, we were drunk and I fucked her…"

"Edward!" I heard both my parents cry out. I turned to take in their alarmed expressions and turned back to Chief Swan just in time for his fist to collide with my face. Still weak from my injuries, the force easily knocked me to the floor.

"No, Charlie!" I heard my mother cry.

"You bastard," Chief Swan seethed as he stood over me.

I laughed bitterly, hoping to put the last nail in the coffin. "Finally," I muttered, "finally, I've found the chink in Chief Swan's armor."

"You'd best shut your mouth boy. Esme, Carlisle, I'm sorry but I'm gonna need you to leave, and take _him_ with you."

"I'm so sorry, Charlie." Dad whispered.

I didn't struggle as my father led me from the room.

Before the door closed, I turned and took one last look at the only girl I'd ever love.

_I tried to be perfect but nothing was worth it_  
I don't believe it makes me real  
I thought it'd be easy but no one believes me  
I meant all the things I said

_If you believe it's in my soul_  
I'd say all the words that I know  
Just to see if it would show  
That I'm trying to let you know

_That I'm better off on my own_

_This place is so empty_  
My thoughts are so tempting  
I don't know how it got so bad

_Sometimes it's so crazy_  
But nothing can save me  
But it's the only thing that I have

_If you believe it's in my soul_  
I'd say all the words that I know  
Just to see if it would show  
That I'm trying to let you know

_That I'm better off on my own, on my own_

_I tried to be perfect it just wasn't worth it_   
_Nothing could ever be so wrong_   
_It's hard to believe me it never gets easy_   
_I guess I knew that all along_

_If you believe it's in my soul_  
I'd say all the words that I know  
Just to see if it would show  
That I'm trying to let you know

_That I'm better off on my own_

__


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big hugs and thanks once again to the gracious and lovely aurellacullen for her beta/prereading work, song suggestions, and suffering through the angst of more than 11,000 words. Muahh!
> 
> *See you at the bottom.

**Chapter 14**

_Love has no pride when I call out your name_  
And love has no pride when there's no one to blame  
But I'd give anything to see you again

_If I could buy your love,_  
Then I'd surely try my friend  
And if I could pray,  
My prayers would never end

_But if you want me to beg,_  
I'll fall down on my knees,  
And ask you to come back,  
I'd be pleading for you to come back,  
I'd beg for you to come back to me…

_**-September-Bella, age 17 years…** _

I looked down at the small silver Eiffel Tower charm lyin' in the palm of my hand, as I opened the handwritten note that Alice had slipped inside the package before sendin' it.

_Dear Bella,_

_I miss you so much and wish I could be there with you to celebrate your birthday, but with the baby due any day now, I don't dare leave Mom, not even for a weekend._

_I also understand if you can't come to Pennsylvania._

_What I don't understand is why you won't talk to me. Yeah, I know you would argue with that assessment because you're not technically ignoring my calls, but Bella we don't really speak anymore. Not like we used to._

_I miss my best friend and feel like I'm being punished for Edward's actions. It's hard not to hate him for what he's caused. Although, judging by the way he looks most of the time, he hates himself more than I ever could._

_I'm sorry; I swore I wouldn't bring him up._

_Anyway, the charm is a promise. Next June, you_ _will_ _be coming with me to Paris. Mom and Dad said I could have the trip as my graduation present, and I want you with me. No arguments!_

_I'll call you when the baby arrives. Maybe your Dad will let you come up for a visit? I hope so._

_Talk to you soon._

_Love,_

_Alice_

I dashed away the tears that were suddenly cloudin' my eyes and laid the letter on the bed next to the birthday card and gift from Carlisle and Esme. Not surprisingly, they'd spent much more than they should have.

Part of me wished that they would forget that I existed. Like Edward had…

I didn't need or want their pity.

But the other part of me, the part that was ruled by my heart and not by my head, loved them more than words could say, and wanted them back in my life.

As for Edward… I wanted him most of all.

Unfortunately, I feared the feelin' was no longer mutual. It took all summer to finally admit that to myself. After three months of unreturned phone calls and unanswered letters, I had finally accepted the fact that any love he'd ever felt for me had withered and died; the victim of Edward's drug abuse and self-hatred.

The problem was that every time Alice hinted at how miserable he was, I found myself hopin' that it was because he missed me.

That small glimmer of hope was usually enough to allow me to disregard the very last shred of my self-respect and dial his number.

This time was no exception.

Without any conscious thought, my hand moved to the phone. I swallowed back the lump that formed while listenin' to the recordin' of his voice, still smoother than velvet, as he directed the caller to 'leave a message'.

"Hi, Edward. This is Bella, um, I was wonderin' if you could return my call. I'm not sure if you remember, but it's my birthday today and,"

_And what?_

Suddenly, I felt very foolish, not knowin' what I really wanted to say.

I drew in a deep breath.

"Uh… I guess I just need to hear your voice and know that you're okay," my own voice broke as tears filled my eyes. After clearin' my throat, I continued. "The truth is  _I'm_  not okay Edward. I miss you so much…" I paused and sniffled then as the tears trailed down my cheeks. "Just call me, please." I hesitated before whisperin' the only thing left to say, "I love you."

I ended the call with little hope that I'd hear back from him. The messages I left were always ramblin', sometimes pleadin', and when I finished, I only ever succeeded in makin' myself feel more lost than I was before.

_I was a fool…_

After standin' from my bed, I hobbled over to the dresser to retrieve my charm bracelet and then slowly made my way down to the kitchen in search of the necessary tools to attach the new charm.

Like every day since the accident, I attempted to push all thoughts I had of Edward from my mind. And, just like every other time I'd tried, I was unsuccessful.

Whenever I was alone, memories of the last three months haunted me; startin' with the moment I'd regained consciousness and realized where I was…

The distraught expression on my daddy's face had given way to one of relief when I responded to the doctor's questions. I knew my name, what year it was, that I was in a hospital room in Pennsylvania. The last thing I remembered before losin' consciousness was…

_Squealin' tires…_

_Breakin' glass…_

_My own screams…_

_And then silence as the world around me went black…_

My body may have been battered, weak, and exhausted, but my mind was suddenly fully alert and aware.

_The accident…_

_Where was Edward?_

The panic hit me with the force of a wreckin' ball as I turned away from the doctor and gave my daddy a pleadin' look; raspin' out the desire to know what had happened to my boyfriend.

Daddy assured me that Edward hadn't been as badly injured as I had. As a matter of fact, he'd already been released.

I announced loudly that I needed to see for myself that Edward was alright. But Daddy just shook his head, refusin' even a phone call, as he explained that Edward was at home recuperatin' and needed his rest.

I knew my daddy well enough to recognize when he was hidin' somethin'.

It didn't take long before I'd convinced myself that Edward must be dead and Daddy was keepin' it from me. I had worked myself up into such a state that I had to be sedated.

After that, Daddy yielded and allowed me to speak with Edward on the phone, but not before I promised to remain calm.

That brief conversation was burned into my memory.

" _Ed… Edward?" I stuttered out._

" _Bella." He sighed softly as he said my name._

" _How are you?" I asked. "I mean, are you badly hurt?"_

_He chuckled bitterly. "Don't worry about me, Bella. I walked away with some bruises and a dislocated shoulder. If there was any justice, I'd be in the cemetery right now. As a matter of fact, I'd have been the one shot last October instead of my brother..."_

" _Don't say that…" I felt my throat tighten as tears threatened to spill. "I couldn't bear it if…"_

_He drew in a deep breath, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Do you know when you'll be released?"_

_I cleared my throat. "The doctor said a few days." I paused. "Will you come see me?"_

_Edward was silent for a long moment. "I can't Bella. I don't have a car anymore and I don't know if I'll be able to keep my license after what happened…"_

" _You can still come to the hospital, I'm sure your parents would bring you..."_

" _No, I really can't."_

" _But… why not?" I implored._

" _Bella, I hurt you. I almost killed you. Your father would probably shoot me if I came anywhere near you, and he'd be right to do so."_

" _Daddy will forgive you," I said in a choked whisper, "eventually…"_

" _He shouldn't."_

" _Edward, please…"_

" _Listen, Bella, I have to go."_

" _No, not yet…"_

" _Yeah… um, my Mom needs me." He hesitated, "and you need to heal. It's best if I don't fuck up your life any more than I already have."_

_I knew at that moment that this was more than a refusal to come visit me in the hospital…_

_Edward was leavin' me_

" _Edward, please don't do this…" I couldn't hold back the tears any more._

" _Try to understand, Bella. What I did to you," his voice dropped to a hoarse whisper, "I… we could have lost you," he paused, "it finally made me realize that I need to get well. I owe that much to you and to my family."_

" _I won't interfere with your recovery. I promise. You don't have to come to the hospital, and I'll even stay in Virginia until you say so. We'll just talk on the phone…" I could hear the desperation in my own voice._

_My heart clenched with the fear that, if I let him hang up now, I'd lose him forever._

" _No, Bella. You shouldn't be spending your days worrying about me. It's not fair…"_

" _Edward, please…" I drew in a shudderin' breath. "I love you."_

" _Bella, stop." His tone showed a hint of frustration, "I'll be lucky if I don't end up in jail for what I did. It's important that all my energy is focused on what I need to do for me. You're too much of a… distraction."_

_His words were like the twist of a knife in my heart. I couldn't answer. I couldn't speak._

_He was silent for a long moment. "I'll always love you, Bella." He added in barely a whisper. "Goodbye."_

And then he was gone.

We hadn't spoken since.

I'd received no response to the almost daily messages I'd left.

Durin' the weeks since arrivin' home, I had a lot of time to think. My broken leg and the fractured vertebrae in my back saw to that; as my injuries successfully kept me a prisoner in my own home for some time.

I needed help with everythin'. Although I wasn't appreciative at the time, I was thankful later that Mama flew up from Florida to spend that first week takin' care of me. I didn't relish the thought of Daddy havin' to help me bathe or use the bathroom.

If the situation with Edward didn't succeed in doin' it, the embarrassment of Daddy seein' me naked would most likely have finished me off.

That first week was painful, both physically and emotionally. Mama tried to get me to open up about Edward, but I couldn't. She'd been out of my life for far too long. We weren't close, no matter how much she desired it to be otherwise.

The damage was done.

She was kind and patient, but I wanted none of it. The nicer she was to me, the more I lashed out at her. When I yelled and accused her of only bein' there for me because she felt guilty, and watched as tears filled her eyes, I knew I'd gone too far.

I was angry and depressed, but it wasn't Mama's fault that Edward was ignorin' me. I told her I was sorry, and when she pulled me closer, I fell apart in her arms.

After I cried myself out, Mama hesitantly told me about the things Edward had said to Daddy in the hospital and how Daddy had punched him in response. I gasped in horror, realizin' that what I'd thought was a dream had been a terrible reality.

_What must Daddy think of me?_

_And Carlisle and Esme…_

I cringed as I thought how low I must have fallen in their estimation. Edward had made what we'd done sound so… coarse and vulgar, so  _wrong._

His words battered my already bruised heart as I thought about how little our relationship must really mean to him.

Ashamed and embarrassed by what I'd done, I tried to pull away from Mama, but she would have none of that. She kept her arms around me and soothed away my feelin's of guilt.

" _Bella, you've loved Edward since you were five years old. It was inevitable that this would happen, baby. Do I wish y'all would have waited a while longer? Yes, of course, every parent wishes that."_

" _But, how could he," I stuttered through my sobs, "speak as if he didn't care about me. How could he say those things to Daddy?"_

" _Oh, baby, Edward's got his own demons to fight." She pulled back and looked into my eyes. "I know you love him, but sometimes that's not enough. He's got to find the will to fight and win for himself and nobody else."_

_She spoke as if from experience._

" _Daddy must be so disappointed in me." I said with a sniffle._

" _Never," Mama assured me as she brushed a strand of hair behind my ear. "Your Daddy loves you more than anything in this world. As sorry as I am for hurting you when I left all those years ago, I am happy that it brought you and your Daddy closer."_

After Mama went home, Cheryl practically moved into my house for the duration of the summer. I didn't ask her to do it, but she insisted.

She was there to take me to the doctor or the physical therapist whenever Daddy had to work. She helped me dress and do so many things that were difficult to do alone.

She also attempted to raise my spirits when it was nearly impossible.

I had never realized what an amazin' unselfish person she was until then.

Durin' the times I wasn't cryin' over Edward, I would find myself gettin' emotional over how much she was sacrificin' in order to help me.

" _I don't deserve you," I cried one day when I was feelin' particularly sorry for myself._

_Cheryl smiled mischievously, "That's true, Swan." she said with a wink. "Guess you'll owe me one."_

" _Why do you put up with me, Cheryl?" I sniffled. "All I do is mope around. You're wastin' your entire summer here with me when you could be out havin' fun."_

_She sighed, her smile disappearin' as she shoved a pillow under my leg and sat on the coffee table to face me, elbows propped on her knees. "Bella," she began, her eyes fixed on mine, "Let me ask you a question."_

_My brows knit together in confusion, "Okay."_

" _Would you do the same for me?"_

" _That's not the point..."_

" _It's a very simple question. Just answer it." She quirked an eyebrow in challenge, "Would you?"_

_After releasin' a breath, I gave her a sad smile. "Yes."_

_Cheryl grinned and took hold of my hand, givin' it a squeeze, "Just pay it forward, B."_

_***P*S***_

As the summer continued, I spent a lot of time thinkin' about Edward's words durin' that last phone call. There were times that I almost had myself convinced that he couldn't have meant what he said.

_I knew Edward_

All the times he'd told me he loved me; the feelings we'd shared every day we were together; how much we missed one another when we were apart; all the times we'd made love...

He couldn't toss aside all our shared history so easily.

Or could he?

And then I would recall Jamie's insults, Amber's looks of disdain, and Edward's hurtful words…

_You're too much of a distraction_

Maybe Edward had finally realized that I wasn't good enough for him? Jamie warned me that it would happen someday.

Those were the times when my spirits were at their lowest. My body was healin', but my mind was sinkin' deeper into despair with each passin' week.

My emotional state durin' this time was unpredictable. My mood would go from feelin' hurt and confused to one of overwhelmin' sorrow before sometimes settlin' on white hot anger.

_How dare he ignore me? It's childish and immature._

_And besides, what gives him the right to decide we're over without lettin' me speak my piece?_

I left a number of harsh, scathin' voicemails, lettin' Edward know exactly what I thought of his behavior, but always felt remorse immediately after. It wouldn't be long before I would then call back and leave a message apologizin'.

Not that he answered any of my phone calls, e-mails or texts.

If I didn't get regular phone calls from Alice, in which she'd mention him in passin', I would have been convinced that he'd dropped off the face of the earth.

But the question continued to plague me: How was I to know if he  _really_ didn't want me unless I see him? Talk to him? I needed to look into his eyes and see the truth there, while he spoke those words that would break my heart and crush my hopes forever.

Gettin' him to come to Virginia for a face to face meetin' was out of the question, so that left me goin' to Pennsylvania.

That option was next to impossible.

Even if I'd been able to drive, Daddy would have forbidden me from goin'. He didn't want me anywhere near Edward.

A couple of weeks before the beginnin' of school, when I was finally able to start puttin' weight on my leg again, Mama pressed for me to fly down to Florida. I begged instead that she loan me the money for a ticket to Pennsylvania so I could see Edward. I could hear the disappointment in her voice as she explained that she couldn't go against my father's wishes.

" _Bella, this isn't healthy. You're about to begin your senior year of high school. That's a very important time in your life. You need to start thinking about yourself and let Edward go…" There was a tone of bitterness in her words which caused my temper to flare._

_I didn't even try to halt the hurtful words as they escaped, "Well, you see Mama, that's where I differ from you. I don't have it in me to selfishly abandon the ones I claim to love and disappear from their lives."_

_She gasped before answerin', "Isabella, that was cruel."_

" _Huh, ya think so? It's not as cruel as what you did to Daddy, not to mention how much you hurt me. I spent years thinkin' I was the reason you left."_

" _Bella…"_

" _No, Mama. Enough. From now on, do me a favor and keep your advice to yourself." Then in a move as childish as I'd accused Edward of behavin', I ended the call._

I eventually apologized, but only after Daddy insisted. It wasn't easy to feel sorry for what I'd said. The sad fact was that the emotions and feelin's of abandonment caused by Edward's actions had brought to the surface a bitterness I had harbored toward my mother since the day she left.

August also brought news of Edward's court appearance. Whereas Alice usually avoided the subject of my broodin' boyfriend, on this occasion, she seemed eager to share everythin'.

I didn't even consider tryin' to stop her.

" _Well," Alice began, "I suppose Edward was lucky because the judge didn't throw the book at him. The prosecutor didn't seem happy that the judge was sympathetic to what Edward had been dealing with since Daniel's death, but he didn't argue."_

" _The judge explained that the fact that Edward had never been in trouble before, had weighed heavily in his favor. He's also lucky that he was only seventeen at the time of the accident."_

" _He was placed on probation until next August. Edward can't leave the state without permission, and has a restricted driver's license. Also, because traces of cocaine were found in his system after the accident, he has to submit to periodic drug testing throughout the year."_

_Alice heard my sharp intake of breath. No one had told me about the cocaine, but it certainly explained Edward's erratic behavior that night…_

" _Bella, I thought you knew that he was charged with driving under the influence, amongst other things…"_

" _No." I whispered. "I mean, I thought he must have been drinkin' behind my back…"_

_After a long silence, she spoke again. "Well, I wasn't' surprised. He's been out of control for so long…" She sighed loudly. "Anyway, he has to perform community service, and attend regular therapy sessions. All that while trying to complete his first year of college."_

_In Pennsylvania…_

_***P*S***_

"Happy birthday, Bells," I'd been so preoccupied with my thoughts, that I hadn't heard the front door open. I looked up to find Daddy standin' in the kitchen doorway, studyin' me.

"Thanks, Daddy." I stood and crossed the room to hug him.

I'd had the cast removed a couple of weeks before, but my leg muscles were still weak. The doctor said it would take a while to get back to full strength.

"How about I take you out to eat?"

I smiled at him, knowin' we'd be goin' to the diner, "That sounds nice. Daddy, would you mind if Cheryl came as well? I think it would be a nice gesture after everythin' she's done for me."

He smiled, no doubt happy that I was actually takin' an interest in somethin' for a change. "That's a great idea, baby."

If he knew the reason I wasn't mopin' around, his smile would have faded rather quickly. It was my birthday, and I couldn't seem to shake the hopeful feelin' that Edward would call me.

He'd never missed my birthday before.

Each passin' hour chipped away at that hope. Nevertheless while at the diner, I put on a happy smile, makin' sure to hug Wanda and Sue. Obviously, after my accident, I hadn't returned to work as planned. Sue informed me that as soon as I felt up to it, my job would be there waitin'.

"So, did you have a nice birthday, Bella?" Daddy asked once we were back home.

I nodded. "Yeah. Thanks for the gift and for dinner."

He shrugged, lookin' a little uncomfortable before speakin' again. "You seemed better tonight," he asked, hesitatin' as he searched my face.

I gave him a small smile, determined not to let him know that I was barely holdin' myself together. "I had a nice time." I then affected a yawn, "I think I'm gonna turn in now." I leaned in to kiss his cheek. "Night, Daddy."

He hugged me goodnight, and I didn't think it my imagination that he held on longer than usual. "Love you, little girl." He whispered in my ear.

"Love you too."

I desperately needed the sanctuary of my room.

That night I lay in bed curled around my cell phone, willin' it to do  _somethin'_. Why had I been foolish enough to hope that the boy I loved would respond to my plea? He hadn't spoken to me since June.

I cried until I was cried out while rememberin' every moment we'd spent together durin' the past year; some tortured, such as those immediately after Daniel's death, and some beautiful, such as the day we spent in Cape Charles.

In my naiveté, I'd actually believed Edward had begun to heal that day.

The images that came next caused my eyes to burn, but I held back the tears, refusin' them permission to escape. I thought about the first time Edward and I made love. It was awkward and clumsy, but utterly beautiful. I could picture the way his eyes locked onto mine, holdin' nothin' but love as we moved together.

Once my heart began to physically ache at the memories, I pushed them aside, choosin' instead to think about the happy days that filled my summers before we lost Daniel.

When sleep finally claimed me, I drifted off with the vision in my mind of a hot summer night on the porch, eatin' popsicles with Edward while restin' my head against his shoulder.

_***P*S***_

_**I hope your birthday was happy, Bella. You deserve to be happy - Edward** _

Edward's text message sent after I'd fallen asleep was all I could think of durin' class the next day. I wanted to believe that it was a sign that he wanted me back in his life. I mean, he knew me well enough to understand that my 'happiness' depended upon a future in which we were together. Didn't he?

For the rest of the day, and week, I drove myself crazy tryin' to reason it out. However, when my phone calls and texts again went unanswered, I had a sinkin' feelin' that this was truly the end of Edward and I.

There was one bright spot durin' that time. When Alice phoned to tell me she had a baby sister, I literally cried tears of joy for the entire Cullen family, especially Esme and Carlisle.

"Her name is Grace Madeline Cullen. She's small but healthy." Alice told me, her voice breakin' with emotion. "And she's so beautiful."

Daddy still refused to let me go to Pennsylvania, even to see the new baby. He didn't say it out loud, but I knew it was because Edward was still livin' at home while attendin' class durin' his first semester. I didn't know if Daddy was afraid for my safety, or if he was afraid Edward and I would have sex.

Probably both.

By October, I felt physically capable to return to work at the diner after school and on weekends. It was one place I was able to lose myself.

The majority of the customers were travelers, and whenever I met one from Pennsylvania, I would always silently wonder if they knew Edward's family.

That would set my mind to wonderin' what he was doin', and if he ever thought about me.

My overactive imagination would picture Edward wakin' up one mornin' and comin' to his senses. He'd hop in a car, and drive down to find me. Maybe he'd arrive at the diner while I was workin' and confess how foolish he'd been. He'd tell me that he never stopped lovin' me. He'd beg my forgiveness and I'd tell him there was nothin' to forgive, just before sharin' a passionate kiss in front of everyone.

It was a moment worthy of a Hollywood movie.

Then I would recall that Edward couldn't leave Pennsylvania without permission, and even if he was able to come see me, I was nothin' but, to use his words,  _a_   _distraction._

Not even worthy of bein' his friend much less his girlfriend.

_**-Spring- Bella, age 17 years** _

The followin' months passed in a blur of senior class activities in which I barely participated.

As spring approached, I listened as Cheryl went on about Lucas Parr askin' her to prom. Her relationship with Cameron had never been more than friends hangin' out together, although he wanted more.

Cameron had moved on.

_It seems to be a trend…_

I wasn't surprised that no one had asked me. Not that I would have gone.

Mark had started datin' a girl in the junior class and, even though he still tried to talk to me from time to time, my one word responses had managed to drive even him away.

Of course Cheryl was the exception. She refused to let me hide from her, and was my personal coach and cheerleader all rolled into one.

If not for her encouragement, I probably would have surrendered to my grief, long before graduation day.

Unfortunately, Cheryl couldn't control the way I behaved when she wasn't around; how I rose from my bed every mornin' just as tired as I'd been the night before. She couldn't change the fact that listenin' to music, any music, set my teeth on edge. And Cheryl definitely couldn't force me to eat when I wasn't hungry, only my Daddy could do that.

His threat to send me either to a hospital or to live with Mama, was enough to make me force down at least two decent meals a day, puttin' a stop to the weight loss I'd been experiencin' since the summer.

Graduation was loomin', and despite my zombie-like state, I'd forced myself to function enough to send in my application to attend the local community college. I also found that I couldn't resist applyin' to the University of Pennsylvania as well.

The day I receive my acceptance letter, I broke down in tears, knowin' that my desire to attend school with Edward would never be a reality.

My anger raged as I pondered the future I would have had; the one I  _should_ have had. Edward, goin' to school in Richmond, with me joinin' him eventually.

After graduation, we would have begun our careers and our future together…

_Stop_

_I couldn't think about it any more_

_Edward doesn't want me_

Once I'd convinced myself of that, I stopped tryin' to contact him and barely responded when Alice phoned me. After a while, her calls became less frequent, and by spring an entire month went by without hearin' a word.

Although the reason for Alice's silence had more to do with the fact that I'd deliberately dragged my feet about gettin' a passport, and then wouldn't allow the Cullens to pay to have it rushed through the approval process. Alice was furious. I'd deliberately killed any chance I had to go to Paris with her. She knew I hadn't 'forgotten' to mail in the application, like I'd told her parents and my daddy.

She called me on every bit of my bullshit.

She knew me far too well.

There was only one other person who knew me better, and he had ceased to care.

"Bella, I really hoped that your relationship with Edward wouldn't affect  _us._ It was foolish of me, and I guess I learnt my lesson." She told me a couple of weeks before graduation, "I'll be here whenever you're ready to  _really_  talk to me again."

I waited until she'd returned from her trip before callin' to apologize, assurin' her that I still wanted my friend, but that I just needed some time to process everythin' that had happened durin' the past year.

_**-August- Bella, age 17 years** _

I tightened my grip on the steerin' wheel, knowin' by now that Daddy had found my note. There were some who would deem my actions to be irrational, namely Daddy, and probably Cheryl…

Hopefully  _he'd_ never know; and as for Cheryl, well, I only prayed that Cheryl would keep my secret.

The minute I'd ended my call with Alice this afternoon, it was as if the last fourteen months had never happened.

_What was fourteen months in comparison to a lifetime of memories?_

_A lifetime of him ownin' my heart?_

The thought of my beautiful boy, alone and broken was like a jolt of electricity to my formerly listless existence. After fourteen months of flounderin' and goin' through the motions of livin', I had a purpose again.

Within minutes I'd determined what I needed to do and was packin' a bag. Resolved to go and not return until I found him, I called Wanda, pretendin' to be sick so they wouldn't expect me at work the next day, and tore out of my driveway.

Edward was hurtin'. He needed me, or at least I hoped he did.

So, there I was, inchin' my way towards Chincoteague in the hot August night, impatiently willin' my old car to get there sooner than was possible.

_I needed to see him…_

_If he was even there…_

Just outside of Norfolk, the a/c had died, and I lowered the windows. Travellin' for hours in a wind tunnel was no fun, but once I'd secured my hair and a couple of loose items that had been whippin' around, I concentrated on the conversation I'd had earlier on the phone with Alice, as the miles slipped past.

Since her return from France, we'd spoken on average once a week. I no longer avoided her calls, as I tried to separate my present with her, from my past with her brother.

She barely spoke of Edward unless I asked, but even then what I learned only served to twist the knife ever deeper. He was busy with his schoolwork and his  _college_ social life.

Too busy to spare a thought for me…

The fact that Alice was phonin' unexpectedly, on the day I knew he was due to make a final appearance in court, caused me to swallow nervously before answerin'.

" _Hi, Alice."_

" _Bella," her voice was tremblin', and my entire body tensed at the sound of it._

_Somethin' was wrong._

" _Alice, what is it?"_

" _I don't know what to do. He's gone." She stuttered out the words._

_I blinked hard and shook my head. "What? What are you…?" I began as a cold fear suddenly gripped my heart._

" _Oh, gosh!" She gasped, "No, no, I mean Edward's okay. I guess. It's just that after the judge released him from his probation today, he told Edward that he was free to go, and that's just what he did."_

_I still wasn't followin'._

" _He signed some papers and then didn't even glance in our direction before walking out of the courtroom. We thought we'd find him in the hall or the parking lot but he wasn't anywhere." She sniffled. "It's been hours and he hasn't come home. He won't answer his phone…"_

_Her tone turned angry then, "So help me when I do find him, I'm going to knock the crap out of him."_

" _Alice, somebody has to know where he is, have you phoned his friends?"_

_She hesitated. "See, that's the trouble. He doesn't have any friends that I know of…"_

_I frowned. "Alice, what about the people he's been spendin' all his time with?"_

_Durin' the past few months, I had tortured myself with conjured images of Edward and his new friends. No doubt they were affluent like his family, no doubt the boys were handsome and the girls were perfect._

_And then, just because I hadn't suffered enough, I would wonder if he'd found someone to replace me yet._

_Of course he had._

_That was just about the time my stomach would lurch, and I'd be forced to make a hasty retreat to the bathroom._

_Alice cleared her throat nervously. "After your birthday, Edward and I had a huge fight. He got so angry with me. He said that he was trying his best to move on, but that I was sabotaging his efforts by constantly feeding you information and that you wouldn't stop calling."_

_My heart sank upon hearin' those words._

" _You and I both know that's not true. It only seemed to upset you when I talked about Edward, so I kept it to a minimum." She took a deep breath. "Anyway, shortly after Christmas, he started talking about these new friends he'd made at school, mentioning them by name even. Mom and Dad were hesitant at first to let him hang out with them, but when Edward insisted that they spent most of the time studying, and my parents realized they knew a couple of the kids' parents socially, they relented."_

" _He put on quite a show, pretending to be happy, but every now and then the mask slipped and I got a glimpse of how miserable he really was. It made me suspicious and a few weeks ago I followed him. Instead of hanging out with these 'friends', he spent the entire evening, alone, at the school library. A few days later, he did it again. Shocked doesn't adequately describe the look on his face when he came outside and found me waiting by his car."_

" _The fight we'd had in September paled in comparison to the one that night. He finally admitted that he has no friends. Whatever his reasons, he's been pretending."_

_She blew out a breath, "I was waiting until he was off of probation to tell you the truth, hoping somehow to convince him that his stupid plan wasn't working. He needs you, Bella, but now…"_

" _He's gone." I offered._

" _Yes."_

_We talked for a few moments longer, well, she talked, I mostly listened, still stunned by her revelation._

_After promisin' to let me know the moment she found him, she ended the call. I was left sittin' on my bed, starin' into space. Alice had given me a lot to think about._

_First and foremost, where was Edward?_

_At first I feared that he'd gone on some twisted mission of revenge against Jamie Hunter. But if he was in such a state as that, he wouldn't have waited a whole year after the accident to act upon it._

_Then I thought that maybe he was comin' to my house, but judgin' by the time he'd left court, he would have arrived already. Nevertheless, before I gave a thought to what I was doin', I raced over to the window, threw open the curtains and peered out. As I'd expected, my car was the only one parked in the driveway._

_I sighed and sat back on the bed, defeated._

_Decidin' to concentrate on everythin' I knew about Edward, I lay back on the bed while memories of our summers together flooded my mind._

…" _This is my happy place," I breathed out, the warmth of the sun and the crashin' of the waves against the shore almost lullin' me to sleep as I lay there beside Edward on the blanket…_

…" _The beach?" He asked, his voice soundin' sleepy as well…_

…" _Mmmhm. Well, I'm happy anywhere as long as I'm with you, but Chincoteague will always be my favorite."…_

…" _Mine too," he whispered, his hand seekin' mine until they were clasped together. "We should run away from home and live here"…_

… " _Um, I think one of us should have a driver's license first," I answered with a giggle…_

…" _True"…_

… " _And they'd find us"…_

… " _Eventually" He murmured. "But we could hide from the rest of the world, for a while"…_

… _I had to admit that the thought of hidin' out with Edward caused my stomach to flutter with anticipation…_

_I wasn't sure if that particular memory was merely wishful thinkin', but suddenly I was hit with the notion that Edward had driven to Chincoteague. Alice, her parents and the baby had vacationed there earlier in the summer, but Edward hadn't been back since the summer before Daniel died._

_Neither had I._

_Once that thought was in my head, there was no stoppin' me. Refusin' to consider the fact that he may not be there when I arrived, I phoned Cheryl and told her what I was doin' and asked that, if my Daddy called lookin' for me, she back up my story that I was stayin' at her house tonight._

_She tried to argue, but when I began to cry, she caved, realizin' that this was somethin' I needed to do._

It was well after midnight by the time I crossed the bridge to the island. The little town was quiet, most residents havin' already gone to bed. As I turned down the narrow road which led to our cottage, it dawned on me that, if I was wrong and Edward  _hadn't_ come here, I'd have to turn around and drive home again.

Our cottage was rented out for the rest of the summer, and I had no key to the house next door. Just as I considered stayin' in one of the motels in town, the Cullens' house came into view and I spied the black car, Edward's car, sittin' in the driveway.

_He was here._

My heart was in my throat as I pulled in slowly, parkin' behind him, effectively blockin' his means of escape.

That fact alone pleased me.

After exitin' the car, I stood on shaky legs, starin' at the house. I could only see one light comin' from deep inside, probably the stairwell. Everythin' was deathly still.

I took a few tentative steps toward the door and stopped, ignorin' the ache in my back from sittin' in the car for hours. I'd endured fourteen months of sadness and misery and was about to see the boy I loved more than life itself, the boy who had avoided me, the boy who'd called me a  _distraction…_

_The boy who, quite possibly didn't want me anymore…_

_Suppose he was angry with me for comin' here?_

_Suppose he yelled at me?_

I glanced back at my car knowin' that I could leave at that moment and no one other than Cheryl would be any wiser. I also knew that leavin' here without seein' him was not an option. Even if he were to hurt me again, I wasn't goin' back home without some answers.

The front door was locked, but rather than knock, I quietly made my way around to the back deck. So intent was I on reachin' the slidin' glass doors quickly and quietly, that I almost missed the figure sprawled across a lounge chair in a shadowy corner to my right.

A sudden movement caused me to turn my head, and there he was, the boy I'd longed to see for what now felt like a lifetime.

I made my way slowly toward him until I was beside his chair, lookin' down upon his sleepin' form. He was a mess; hair tousled, face unshaven, clothes rumpled. His face was peaceful, his cares forgotten as he slept. He was the most beautiful thing I'd laid eyes on in over a year.

All the feelings I'd tried to hold inside for so long, rose to the surface as I wrapped my arms around myself to keep from fallin' apart. Tears filled my eyes before streamin' down my cheeks and I found it impossible to hold back the sobs.

Afraid of wakin' him, I turned to move away but my foot bumped into somethin' beside his chair. The loud thump that followed as the empty bottle toppled onto its side caused Edward's eyelids to flutter and open.

I braced myself. He'd obviously been drinkin', but drunk or sober, I had no idea how he would react to my bein' there.

He blinked several times as he tried to focus, before reachin' a hand out towards me. "Bella," he whispered. "So beautiful."

As much as I'd wanted to, I had yet to touch him. I stretched out my arm then, and placed my tremblin' hand in his. He sighed in contentment and closed his eyes as a beautiful smile graced his face. "You're always here." He murmured.

"Where, Edward?"

"In my dreams," His eyes were still closed, and I feared he was fallin' back to sleep. "Whenever I'm with you, I never want to wake up."

There I stood; just holdin' his hand, not knowin' what else to do as fresh tears escaped my eyes.

"Don't cry," he whispered. I looked over to find him watchin' me through heavy lids. He pulled me closer and reached the other hand up to wipe the tears away. "My Bella should never cry. She should always be happy."

_His Bella…_

Oh if those words were only true. But Edward was drunk and half asleep. He probably wouldn't remember I was here come mornin'.

A sense of resolve came over me then.

_I would make him remember._

My heartbeat quickened as I knelt beside the chair, lettin' go of his hand in order to wrap my arms around his neck. I needed to hold onto him and never let go. "Oh, Edward. You're not dreamin'." I said as I laid my head on his shoulder.

"I'm not?" he breathed into my hair as he ran his hands up and down my sides. I shook my head in answer. He responded by wrappin' his arms around me and liftin' me onto the chair, not happy until my entire body was half beside, half on top of his on the lounger.

"You're softer than you usually are in my dreams…"

I sighed, not carin' anymore if he thought he was asleep; just relishin' the feelin' of bein' in his arms again.

"I knew I'd find you here." He paused and kissed the top of my head. "S'my favorite place." His breathin' evened out and I was afraid he'd fall back asleep.

"Edward, shouldn't we go inside?"

"Mmm hmm… tried… everything was spinning." He chuckled. "It's safer to stay here."

I smiled and shook my head. "I'll help you." I assured before standin' and tuggin' at his hands. With no little effort, I got him to his feet and then with one arm secured around his waist, we made our way inside.

The stairs presented a brand new challenge, but once we finally made it to the top, I was able to deposit a semi-conscious Edward onto his bed. I removed his shoes, and tried to make him as comfortable as possible before slippin' away to take a shower. He was snorin' before I crossed the threshold.

It ended up bein' the briefest shower in history. Fearin' that  _I_ was the one who was dreamin', I hurriedly washed away the dust and grime of the car journey, half expectin' Edward to have vanished by the time I arrived back in his bedroom.

Of course my fears proved to be unfounded.

I stood in the doorway, wrapped in a towel, and took in the sight of him before glancin' around the room. On the floor in front of the closet was a large canvas duffel bag, the same one Edward usually brought with him to Chincoteague. For some reason, it comforted me to know that he'd had the presence of mind to pack a bag before leavin' home.

It was at that moment I realized that I'd left my own bag in the car. I wasn't about to go outside in nothin' but a towel to retrieve it, so I quickly made my way over to Edward's bag and pulled out one of his t-shirts.

After droppin' the towel and slippin' the shirt over my head, I climbed into bed behind him. Now that I'd seen him, touched him, felt his arms around me again after all this time, I couldn't allow there to be any distance between us. I scooted closer until my front was pressed against his back, draped my arm around his waist and let sleep claim me.

_***P*S***_

I can't remember if I dreamt that night, but what I do remember is the feel of a warm hand glidin' over the skin of my thigh pullin' me gently from slumber. I didn't startle as the hand found its way under the shirt I was wearin'.

I knew that touch.

Edward's gasp when he discovered I wasn't wearin' panties almost made me giggle out loud, but I was too lost in the feel of his hands on my skin. I'd missed this. I'd missed him.

"Bella," he whispered as he leaned in close, his lips findin' mine in the darkness. The kiss started out slow and sweet, but quickly turned desperate as our hands moved to pull the clothin' from our bodies. I ignored the small inner voice tellin' me not to do this; that I'd regret it in the harsh light of day when Edward was fully sober.

I didn't care. I needed him like oxygen. My dead heart had finally begun to beat again. I wasn't goin' to deny myself what I needed to survive.

"Oh, Edward, I missed you." I whispered between kisses.

"Bella, love you so much," he moaned.

My heart clenched.

_He still loved me_

_Even after all this time_

His lips crashed into mine once more as his hand travelled to the small of my back while he positioned himself between my legs.

His other hand touched me everywhere, caressin' my skin, ignitin' my desire for him; there was no denyin' that I wanted this.

What I did next was stupid and foolish, especially considerin' the way he'd ignored me for a year, but my rational side was no longer in control. "Make love to me, Edward."

He made a sound akin to a whimper as he brought his lips to my breast, kissin' and nippin', bringin' forth a wanton moan from my throat as I wriggled against him. "Please, Edward."

Once again, he covered my mouth with his as he pushed into me. The intrusion was uncomfortable for a moment only, but then I welcomed it. I felt tears fill my eyes as we were once again connected, body and soul. The way it was supposed to be.

"Missed this," he panted before pullin' almost all the way out and thrustin' back into me "Missed you."

I gasped as he shifted my body, the angle of his thrusts changin', deepenin' with the movement. "Oh God…" I moaned.

Soon his pace increased, becomin' feverish and frantic. "So sorry," he whispered over and over as I clenched the sheet with both hands, archin' into him, wantin' more…

Again and again, over and over until I let go of the sheet and buried my hands in Edward's hair. I clung to him as my walls tightened and we trembled together, Edward breathin' my name like a prayer as he came, before collapsin' on top of me.

I wanted the burn of havin' had him inside me. I wanted the feel of his weight holdin' me down. I wanted to keep the memory of this moment with me durin' the months to follow when Edward and I were forced to be separated while he attended school in Pennsylvania and I did so in Virginia.

The thought came to me then that maybe Edward could transfer to Richmond. We still had a couple of weeks before the semester began. Maybe there was still time?

I sighed loudly and Edward shifted most of his weight off of my body until he was pressed against my side. "Love you," he murmured. A few moments later, his breathin' evened out and I knew he'd drifted off to sleep again. I forced my eyes shut and thought of a happy future; one in which Edward and I were together, and soon followed him into unconsciousness.

_***P*S***_

When I next opened my eyes, it took a few moments to adjust to the brightness in the room; never havin' closed the curtains the night before. I reached out, findin' Edward's side of the bed empty. Once I turned my head to look, I saw him comin' through the doorway, fully clothed, his hair wet from the shower, and carryin' my suitcase in his hand.

"Edward," I breathed out the name.

He glanced toward me with a guilty expression before lookin' away. "Bella, I brought your bag from the car."

Suddenly feelin' very exposed, I pulled the sheet up to my chin. "Thank you."

He nodded and turned to leave.

"Edward, can we talk?"

I watched as his shoulders stiffened, but he didn't turn to face me before answerin'. "I think we need to, Bella. I'll give you a chance to dress."

The little bit of hope I'd felt last night began to evaporate as I pulled on panties and a sundress. I took a few minutes to brush my teeth and run a comb through my hair, before slowly descendin' the stairs.

I found him sittin' at the kitchen table, bent over a mug of coffee.

After clearin' my throat to warn him of my arrival, I spoke in a shaky voice. "How's your head?"

He shrugged, not turnin' to look at me. "Luckily, Mom keeps ibuprofen in the medicine chest."

I nodded and poured myself a cup. Somethin' told me I was goin' to need it.

After takin' the seat across from him, I waited, but soon realized that I'd have to be the one to begin this conversation. "Edward…"

"Bella," he cut me off. "I want to apologize for last night." He still wasn't lookin' at me as the words spilled from his mouth. "I was drunk. I should have stopped before taking advantage of you. I wasn't myself, and I'm sorry."

I swallowed back the lump formin' in my throat. "Edward, I don't regret last night."

He glared before continuin'. "Bella, don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't give me a pass  _again._ I regret  _everything_ about last night, as should you. For Christ's sake, I didn't even use  _protection._ " He rubbed both hands roughly over his face. " _Fuck_ , suppose you're pregnant. How the hell am I supposed to deal with that?"

This was what he decided to focus on? The fact that I might be pregnant?

It was my turn to glare. "Don't worry about it, Edward." I snapped, causin' him to drop his hands and stare at me. "I'm covered. Mama insisted I go on birth control. Heaven forbid that I ruin your life any more than you've managed to do on your own."

"What…" He gave me a questionin' look before his expression hardened. "Whatever."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before openin' them again and starin' at me, his features softenin'. "I'm sorry. I'm being a jerk.  _Again._  It seems that I find ways to hurt you at every turn. I honestly don't mean to."

I gave a small nod in response.

"Bella, can you answer me one thing?"

"Okay," I replied, my tone wary.

"What the hell are you doing here? I didn't think anyone knew where I'd gone."

I shrugged. "Maybe I know you a little better than most people."

He seemed to contemplate that as he took another sip of coffee.

"So, can I ask  _you_ a question?"

"I guess." I noticed his frown was back in place.

"Why have you ignored me for over a year, Edward?" I tried not to sound bitter. "I was in love with you, I still am. I thought you felt the same. Was I wrong?"

"No, you weren't wrong." His eyes dropped once again to the mug he held in his hands. "Sometimes love isn't enough." He added in a whisper.

_My love isn't enough…_

_Mama was right..._

"Edward, if you didn't want me, don't you think we could have at least talked about this face to face. You owed me that much."

"Yes I did, and I should have. It was never a matter of not wanting you. I've always wanted you." He sighed. "It's just that, after the accident, seeing you wasn't an option. I knew your Dad would shoot me if I showed up on your doorstep. My probation limited my movements anyway. I thought it better that we kept our distance…"

_Had I heard him correctly?_

He  _did_ still want me. Edward hadn't stopped lovin' me. Maybe he just didn't want to tie me down while he dealt with his legal problems.

That must be it. My heart surged with new hope. So much was different now.

He no longer had his probation hangin' over his head, and we could resume our lives the way we were meant to…

I took in a deep breath and laid my hands, palms down on the table. "Okay; well, now you're your probation's over. You can travel freely. My leg is healed. We can see one another whenever we want. I'll sort out Daddy so he won't be a problem… I was thinkin' that maybe there's still time, you can register for school in Richmond…"

Edward interrupted. "Bella, what are you talking about?"

"I'm talkin' about tryin' to get our lives back on track, Edward. I've missed you so much." I reached to cover his hand with mine, only to have him wrench his away as he shook his head back and forth.

"It's not possible, Bella."

"Of course it is. This last year has sucked, I'll grant you that. But you wouldn't have wanted to be around me anyway," I tried to smile, "I was a mess when my leg was in a cast. And grumpy? My daddy questioned more than once where his sweet-tempered daughter had gone." I gave a nervous laugh.

"Bella" he was still shakin' his head, "I can't. I'm no good for you."

"Stop it." I said with narrowed eyes. "Edward, I am sick and tired of your self-loathin'. It's time you grew a pair."

His eyes widened in shock at my statement.

"Seriously, Bella?" He asked, not crackin' a smile.

"Yes." I folded my arms across my chest, darin' him to challenge me.

"You don't get it do you?" He asked in disbelief. "It was so easy for me to fall off the wagon and get drunk last night. And look at what I did? I took advantage of your feelings."

"You didn't…"

"How long, Bella?" He continued. "How long until I'd get drunk or high and hurt you again? How long until you finally have enough and leave me? That is, if you survive…"

"Edward, everyone has relapses. The important thing is to work hard so it won't happen again."

He laughed bitterly. "Bella, I get liquor whenever I want. I've managed to stay away from the drugs but that was only because of the blood tests. It's only a matter of time before I start that shit again as well; only a matter of time until I hurt you…"

He seemed so resigned to the idea that he would fail.

"Edward, you're not goin' to hurt me…"

He barked out a laugh, but there was no humor in it. "And you know this for certain? Oh wow, Bella; I have missed a lot in the last year. I had no idea that you'd become psychic during that time."

"Edward stop…"

"No, you stop Bella. What does it take to get through to you? You need to move on. I'm not a good person. Didn't last night prove that to you?"

He was so angry. It was difficult to face this Edward. He frightened me.

When he acted like this, it was almost impossible to remember that this was the boy I loved. I fought against the urge to turn and run from the room. I'd only end up curled in a ball somewhere until I cried myself to sleep. Instead, I dug in my heels for a fight.

"You're dead wrong, Edward," my voice low and serious. "I know you. I've known you most of my life. You're not who you say you are," I grabbed his hand again, and this time he didn't pull away. "You  _are_ good. You're one of the best people I've ever known. Ever since Daniel's," I swallowed hard, " _death,_ you've been blamin' yourself. Edward, you loved your brother and he loved you. You would  _never_ have done anythin' to harm him…"

"Don't give me that, Bella," Edward raised his voice and stared at me with wide eyes, "I may not have meant to, but what happened to him was still my fault. I was weak, I wanted to be popular, and so I followed Jamie Hunter, thinking he was cool. I made one mistake, one stupid mistake," His voice cracked as tears escaped his eyes, "How long am I going to have to keep paying for it? You say Daniel loved me. You're right, he did. That was  _his_ mistake, because if he hadn't, he'd be alive right now!" He pulled his hand away from mine before coverin' his face, "I don't need or want anyone to love me." He muttered.

I stood from my chair and moved around the table. Once I reached his side, I knelt down and wrapped my arms around him. "Please, Edward. I love you, doesn't matter what you want. I still do."

For a moment, I thought maybe my words were gettin' through, as he allowed me to cling to him. But then in one fluid movement, Edward was out of the chair and standin' on his feet. He took a step away from me, not takin' his eyes from mine as my arms fell to my sides.

I was losin' this fight. I could feel it.

I stayed on my knees beside his chair, lackin' the will to stand.

"You should go." He said in a low voice.

I shook my head. "I'm not goin' anywhere. And if you leave, I'll follow you."

"No, Bella."

"I don't care what you say, Edward. We're meant to be together."

"No, Bella, we're not." His tone was forceful, but I still wasn't buyin' it. I pushed to my feet and walked over until I stood in front of him.

"What will it take for you to understand that I'm poison?" His voice was hoarse, almost as if he was fightin' back tears of his own.

"You can't ever convince me of that."

He bit his lip, and stared into my eyes, seemin' to fight some internal battle before clenchin' his hands at his sides, his posture stiff. He looked down at me with cold eyes, his expression impassive.

"Maybe this will change your mind." He said in dead voice, "I fucked Amber."

I gasped, before I stopped breathin' altogether. Not believin' what I was hearin'.

"Before I drove down here yesterday, I stopped by JD's, she was there, and I fucked her."

The eyes that looked back at me were those of a stranger. As I stared, I saw no hint of a lie in them. Somehow I knew, as his cruel words washed over me, that there was no goin' back from this moment. Life as I'd known it was over.

_***P*S***_

_**-Summer- Edward, Age 19 years** _

I could see it in her eyes. She was never going to let go. And so I said the one thing that I knew would break her, but it was necessary if I wanted to save her life.

I lied.

I lied, certain that Bella would never believe my words said out of desperation.

However, as she stood there, still as stone, it dawned on me that she had accepted my blasphemy as truth.

How could she if she really knew how much I loved her?

_Loved her enough to let her go_

How could she believe that I'd be with anyone else?

_Especially Amber…_

_I wouldn't fuck Amber with Jamie Hunter's dick._

A moment later, when Bella fled the room in tears, I didn't follow. I was overwhelmed by what I'd done. Being the pussy that I was, I let a few tears escape before I swallowed them back and splashed cold water on my face.

At that moment, I hated myself more than I ever had before. I was the lowest form of life.

I still had a chance to tell her the truth, to explain that I only wanted to protect her from what I'd become.

I could fix this. I could be happy.

But at what cost?

The image of Bella's broken body lying in that hospital bed was burned into my memory. I had done that, and it was only a matter of time before I did it again.

Or worse.

I took a deep breath, bracing myself for what was to come when I heard Bella descend the stairs a few minutes later.

_Get a grip, Cullen. You started this, time to follow through._

"I suppose I need to be tested for STDs now, huh?" She sounded so broken, so hurt.

"What?" I didn't turn to face her, I couldn't.

"I need to know if I should be tested,  _Edward._ "

_Oh. The lie._

I shook my head. "No. I used protection." What was one more lie on top of everything else?

She was quiet for a long moment. I finally turned to look at her and the expression on her face was like a knife to my heart.

Her eyes were red as fresh tears streamed down her cheeks. I clenched both fists at my sides to keep myself from reaching for her.

"You've broken my heart, Edward Cullen." She mumbled through a broken sob, before turning and walking through the door and out of my life.

_***P*S***_

An hour later, I was halfway through a bottle of whiskey, torturing myself with images of Bella in my arms from the night before, when the skies suddenly opened. Thunder, lighting, and wind raged as pouring sheets of rain beat against the windows. My first thought was of my girl, having to drive home in the storm.

_No, not my girl._

_Not anymore._

Be that as it may, the truth was that I'd always love her. And I would always worry about her.

Without a second thought, I dialed Chief Swan.

"Hello."

"Hello, Chief."

"Edward?"

"Yes, sir."

"What the hell do you want?"

It was obvious that he still hated me.

"I just want you to take care of her," I slurred. "I love her so much, even though she hates me. Just make sure she's okay."

"Have you spoken with her?" Charlie barked. "So help me God, Edward if you've upset her…"

"I did… upset her. But I had to do it, sir. She won't let go. I had to break her heart so she would see that I'm no good…" I took another drink.

"Edward, are you drunk?"

"Working on it." I chuckled quietly. "It doesn't matter about me. It's Bella you need to worry about. She looked so sad…" Tears filled my eyes as I thought about her broken expression before she left.

"What? You've seen her?" The Chief was kind of yelling now, "Edward, are you in Waverly?"

I shook my head back and forth. "Uh uh. I'm in Chincoteague. But Bella's not here anymore."

"Jesus Christ," the Chief muttered. "How long ago did she leave?"

"Um… an hour, I think." I blinked hard, tryin' to clear my head. "Just, promise me."

"Promise you what?" His tone reminded me of the way he sounded when he punched me a year ago.

"Take care of her." I whispered.

There was a long pause.

"I will, son." He answered in a whisper, and then he was gone.

I tossed my phone on the table and carried the bottle upstairs where I collapsed on my bed. Bella's scent surrounded me as I cried and attempted to drown the hurt.

I drank to the girl who owned my heart; the only girl I would ever love, and I wished more than anything that I could turn back the clock so that I could have become a man who was worthy of her.

_Lips are turning blue_  
A kiss that can't renew  
I only dream of you  
My beautiful

_Tiptoe to your room_   
_A starlight in the gloom_   
_I only dream of you_   
_And you never knew_

_Sing for absolution_   
_I will be singing_   
_And falling from your grace_   
_ooh_

_There's nowhere left to hide_   
_In no one to confide_   
_The truth burns deep inside_

_And will never die_

_Lips are turning blue_   
_A kiss that can't renew_   
_I only dream of you_   
_My beautiful_

_Sing for absolution_   
_I will be singing_   
_Falling from your grace_

_Sing for absolution_   
_I will be singing_   
_Falling from your grace_

_yeah_

_Our wrongs remain unrectified_   
_And our souls won't be exhumed…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Believe me, I've given Popsicleward a stern talking to but it won't change the way this story is meant to play out.
> 
> Have faith.
> 
> Song Recs: "Love Has No Pride" by Linda Ronstadt. "Sing for Absolution" by Muse.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hanks once again to the gracious and lovely aurellacullen for her beta/prereading work. She came through despite feeling a bit under the weather. Muahhh, darling.
> 
> *Note the time jump. This chapter begins two and a half years after the last chapter ended.

**Chapter 15**

_You took my hand  
You showed me how  
You promised me you'd be around  
Uh huh  
That's right  
I took your words  
And I believed  
In everything  
You said to me  
Yeah huh  
That's right  
_ **  
** _…I wish I could touch you again  
I wish I could still call you friend  
I'd give anything…  
_ ****  
 _…You visit me in my sleep_  
My darling…  


_**-March-Bella, age 20 years…** _

"You should come up for Spring break, Bella." Alice was her usual cheerful self. "Grace is growing like a weed, I hardly recognize her whenever I come home."

"Cheryl is going to be here, I was hoping to spend time with her." I admitted. It wasn't a lie. Throughout the call, Alice hadn't mentioned whether her brother would be home for spring break. Even after more than two years, I had no desire for our paths to cross. "And I owe Daddy a little of my time. I haven't been home since February."

"Oh," Alice sounded disappointed. "Well then, this summer for sure. You  _have_ to come to Chincoteague. I haven't seen you in a year, and I also want you to meet Jasper."

"You're bringing him home?"

"Yes. I think it's time he met my family, and that includes  _you._ "

Alice had been attending school on the west coast. Leave it to her to have fallen in love with her German professor. "How very Jo March of you," I'd told her at the time with a giggle.

I teased her relentlessly after she admitted that she only took the course in the first place because she thought the professor was cute.

After years of witnessing Alice's crushes firsthand, I knew that her feelings for Jasper were different from the others. There was no doubt in my mind that  _this_ was the real deal.

"Jasper gets me," had been her simple statement at the time, but it made perfect sense to me. There were very few people in this world that actually  _got_ Alice. She was unique. That fact alone made her all the more dear to me.

I'd never told her precisely what had transpired between Edward and I that summer. All she knew was that her parents got a phone call from my father and left immediately for Chincoteague. Edward was in quite a state when they found him, and he spent the next week in the hospital.

They wouldn't come right out and call it rehab, but that's essentially what it was.

I tried not to care.

I failed miserably.

_***P*S***_

As I waited for Cheryl's plane to land, I thought back over the months since I'd last seen her. She hadn't come home for Christmas; her family had chosen instead, to fly to Chicago. Cheryl had an aunt and uncle who lived thirty minutes from Northwestern's campus, so both families had spent the holiday happily together.

My Christmas had been spent at home with my daddy.

Despite the fact that we phoned one another every couple of days, I hadn't laid eyes on her since August. I'd asked Cheryl's mom to allow me to be the one to meet her flight, and she'd agreed. The plan was for Cheryl to stay with me in Richmond the first night, and then we'd drive down to Waverly the following day.

"What do you mean you're not coming home for the summer?" I asked Cheryl as we drove into the city. "You always spend the summer in Waverly."

I tried to swallow back my disappointment. Over the last three years, Cheryl and Alice had been my lifelines. They were truly the only thing that kept me sane as I attempted to deal with the loss of Edward in my life.

I'd never been one to make friends easily, and found that the same had held true in college. Or maybe it was just the fact that I no longer cared to put forth the effort.

Those first two years after I'd walked away from him had been a bleak time. I threw myself into my studies, not caring about anything else.

Even though I didn't see either of them during the school year, I usually spent most of the summer with Cheryl, and got to see Alice then as well. It was the only time all year that I'd allow myself to feel a small measure of happiness.

Cheryl bit her lip nervously. "B, I'm taking a couple of courses this summer and I also have a part-time job lined up at a rehab facility. It was too good of an opportunity to turn down."

She gave me a regretful look, "I  _am_ sorry."

I didn't want our brief time together to be tainted by any bad feelings, so I attempted to shrug it off. "It's okay."

"So how soon until I meet your friends?" Cheryl asked as we neared our destination.

I suppose most college students my age, when asked about their new  _friends,_ would have many more than could be counted on one hand. In my case however, there were only two people in the city who qualified, and they were technically my landlords.

"Um, Rose said she'd be late tonight, so Em is picking up the girls. He'll probably be there when we arrive."

After finishing my first two years at the community college close to home, I transferred to VCU in Richmond. Living in the dorm hadn't seemed like such a terrible prospect at first; however it turned out that my roommate, for reasons known only to her, couldn't stand me.

_It happened before with Edward's 'friends' in Pennsylvania. You'd think I would be used to the rejection by now…_

Regardless of her reasons, in seeing that Lauren reminded me of  _Amber_ in both looks and attitude, I found it easy to return the disdain she obviously felt for me.

_Amber._

_Amber and Edward._

The thought of the two of them together still nauseated me.

There were many nights where I still dreamed about the boy I loved. In my dreams he was happy and healthy, his life not yet marred by the loss of his brother. However, no matter how pleasant the dream, it always ended the same way. Amber would suddenly appear, clinging to Edward's side and would whisper in his ear before they would both turn to laugh at me.

I would wake with a start, trembling from head to toe, tears pouring down my face. Thankfully, I was silent in my misery so I never disturbed anyone else. Not even Lauren, the evil witch of a roommate, had a clue what demons I was battling in my sleep.

When I finally came to terms with the fact that no matter what I did or how I behaved, Lauren wasn't going to like me, I quietly looked into switching roommates. What I discovered was that it was next to impossible to do so before the semester was over. There was also the fear that whoever replaced Lauren would be even worse. So, I suffered through until December, deciding that putting up with her was still better than driving over an hour to and from Waverly each day.

The thought occurred to me that, if I got a part-time job, and if Daddy helped, I could probably afford a small apartment.

I spent my free time that autumn searching for one.

Unfortunately, the apartments that were in my price range were not in the safest of neighborhoods; the sidewalks outside usually littered with hookers or crack addicts, visible even during daylight hours.

Just when I was about to give up hope, I ran into Sue during one of my weekend trips home, and she told me about the daughter of a friend of hers who was looking for a boarder.

It sounded perfect.

Rosalie and her husband, Emmett, owned a house in the Fan District, very convenient to the campus, so I immediately phoned to set up an interview.

Despite my awkwardness, Rose seemed to like me. Her husband, although a little intimidating at first sight with his multiple piercings and tattoos, turned out to be a big teddy bear. But, hands down the best part of the interview was getting to meet their two year old twins, Maya and Kara. Those little girls owned me from the moment I first laid eyes on them.

The amount of rent for the room was exceptionally low and when I asked why, Rose seemed hesitant to answer. It didn't take long for me to discover her reasons. She and Emmett had never rented out a room before, and really didn't need the extra money. However, they had discovered that juggling their demanding careers and the care of two children left precious little time for anything else. They were hoping to find a boarder who was not averse to a bit of light housework in order pay part of their way.

Rose was absolutely delighted when I told her that I'd been taking care of mine and Daddy's house on my own for years and what she required would in no way infringe on the time needed for my studies.

_Especially considering I have no social life whatsoever…_

Obviously, I didn't share that fact with Em and Rose.

Em was a tattoo artist, and Rose ran a small restaurant, with an emphasis on vegan and vegetarian dishes, around the corner from their home. By the time the interview was over, I not only had an affordable place to live but a part-time waitressing job, which would provide me with a bit of spending money as well.

"Nice digs, B." Cheryl said as she looked around Em and Rose's foyer.

Their home was lovely, but also comfortable and designed to stand up to two rambunctious toddlers.

"Thanks very much," I looked up the see Em standing in the doorway, arms folded across his chest while smiling widely.

"Hi Em, this is my friend Cheryl," the words had no sooner left my mouth before I felt the force of two small bodies hurtling themselves into my legs, as two pairs of tiny arms wrapped around me.

"Bewwa!" Maya squealed with delight.

"No,  _my_ Bewwa!" Kara challenged, whilst trying to push her sister away.

After I managed to peel them off of my legs, I knelt down and pulled them both into a hug. "I'm Maya's Bella and Kara's Bella too." I said with a smile before depositing kisses on two little cheeks.

The girls giggled in response.

"Sorry, Bella, they've been full of energy since I picked them up from preschool."

"You never need to apologize for these little angels." I told him with a smile.

"So, Rose sent over some dinner, you girls hungry?"

"Famished!" Cheryl answered with a smile.

I envied her self-confidence. Cheryl had left the awkwardness of our teenage years far behind her. Admittedly, I was still working on it.

"Bella says you're studying to be a physical therapist?" Em asked before scarfing down half a veggie taco.

Cheryl nodded. "Yeah, it was something I didn't know I was interested in until B here," she said gesturing toward me with her thumb, "broke her leg just before our senior year of high school. I used to go with her to the PT appointments. I found it fascinating."

Em's eyebrows rose in surprise, "How'd you break your leg, Bella?"

"Uh," I shook my head and blinked a couple of times, willing the images from that night to go away, "car accident."

"Oh." He said with a small nod before turning to give Maya more rice; the expression on my face probably convincing him to drop the subject.

_***P*S***_

The few days spent with Cheryl went by entirely too quickly and before I knew it, we were saying goodbye at the airport.

"Gonna miss you, Bella." She said during a fierce hug. "But we'll talk all the time, okay?"

I nodded. "Sure."

She picked up her carryon and hugged her Mom and Dad one last time.

Suddenly, an idea began to form in my mind. "Hey, Cheryl?" I asked as I mentally calculated how much money I could squirrel away during the next few months.

"Yeah, Bella?"

"Since you can't come home, maybe I could come out to Chicago sometime this summer?" I didn't know why I hadn't thought of it before.

Cheryl looked a little stunned at first, but quickly schooled her features in an attempt to hide her reaction. She seemed to ponder what I'd suggested before giving a small nod. However, I noticed that she didn't look happy at the prospect of my visit. "Yeah, sounds good, we'll um, we'll discuss it, B."

She gave me a tight smile before turning to leave.

I was stunned, but managed to hide that fact from Cheryl's family. Once I was in the relative privacy of my car, I let my head fall back against the seat and tried to understand what had just happened. Never before had Cheryl acted as if she didn't want me around.

It hurt to think that her life was in Chicago now, and that I wasn't particularly welcome to be a part of it. It was at that moment that my basic insecurities gained a foothold and any rational explanation for Cheryl's behavior was set aside.

_She was attending a prestigious university with plans of attending grad school after, while I was scraping by in order to finish my four years._

_And friends? Of course she had new friends now; friends who were no doubt much more interesting than me…_

Suddenly, Jamie Hunter's words from years before returned unwelcome to my mind:

… _you're_ _nothing_ _except a needy little hick…_

…  _I keep waiting for Cullen to wake up and realize that you're_ _not_ _in his league. Mark my words,_ _it will happen…_

Is that what had happened with Cheryl? Had I lost another person I loved?

_Mama, Miss Ruthie, Daniel, Edward, now Cheryl…_

When was it going to stop? Who would be next? Maybe Alice would realize that I wasn't worth her time? Or something awful would happen to my daddy…

_Even considering the 'what ifs' made it difficult to breathe..._

My common sense kicked in then and reminded me that Cheryl was one of my best friends. We'd just spent almost a week together without a cross word passing between us. There was a good chance that I'd misinterpreted her reaction. Her summer promised to be very busy, and maybe she was worried about having time to spend with me.

I waited a couple of weeks before deciding to test my theory during one of our almost daily phone calls.

"So, I was wondering how busy you'll be in August?"

"August?"

"Yeah, Rose said that business tends to slow during that month before classes resume, so it would be the perfect time to take a week off and maybe fly out to see you."

"Oh, wow. Um, yeah." She paused. "Gosh, B, I'd love to see you, but there's a workshop I've signed up to attend in L.A. for a week, and then my schedule when I get back home is going to be crazy. We wouldn't have any time together."

"That's okay; I wouldn't mind exploring on my own as long as I got to see you some of the time." I urged.

"Nah, Bella. I think it's better to wait. I'm definitely coming home for Christmas this year. We'll hang out then, okay?"

I drew in a deep breath and released it. "Okay."

The line was silent for a moment.

"You sure, B? You don't sound okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good." I answered in a small voice.

Cheryl sighed and then spoke in a very low voice. "B, you know I want to see you, right? It's just that… there are some things…" She sighed again. "Look, we'll talk at Christmas. I promise." She sounded as if she'd made up her mind about something.

_She's finally going to tell me that we've grown apart._

_Maybe she's trying to find a way to let me down easy…_

_***P*S***_

Over the next few months, I did what I always did best; I withdrew.

My logic was simple; if I didn't allow myself to get close to others, the inevitable loss of them in my life wouldn't hurt as badly.

I distanced myself from my classmates even further than I had before; and whenever I went home to Waverly, I hid in the house, turning down Daddy's offers to take me to the diner; or anywhere else for that matter. I just couldn't face Wanda, Sue, or anyone for whom I'd be forced to plaster on a fake smile and relay the boring details of my life away from home.

The plan worked, except when it came to Maya and Kara. Trying to stay away from those little girls proved to be impossible. They managed to lift my spirits even on the grayest of days; much like little Grace Cullen did whenever I spent time with her.

I found that I craved their hugs, their smiles and being witness to how they communicated with one another in a way they alone understood.

Although I attempted to hide my hurt feelings from Cheryl during our phone calls, I had no doubt that she guessed what her rejection had caused.

_After all, she knew me every bit as well as Alice and almost as well as E…_

_No. Don't think about him._

There were several times over the phone that I thought she was going to go ahead and admit that she'd outgrown our friendship instead of waiting until Christmas to tell me, but it never happened. Instead, the calls became more and more strained as time went on.

I still took a week's vacation in August, but instead of going where I obviously wasn't wanted, I allowed Alice to badger me into spending that week in Chincoteague.

_**-August- Bella, Age 20 years…** _

It was the first time I'd been back since that unforgettable morning three years before.

I would be staying at our cottage, which would be difficult enough. The alternative, staying in the Cullens' house, was simply out of the question.

_Too many memories, all of which were still raw, even years later…_

It was late Saturday afternoon by the time I arrived in Chincoteague, but instead of turning down the street that would take me to the cottage, I continued on the road that led across the bridge to Assateague Island, and the beach.

Before I could face the memory of the last time I'd seen Edward, I needed the feel of sand under my feet, and the soothing sound of waves breaking against the shore.

As I drove, everything appeared to be as it had every summer for the past fifteen years; that was until I arrived at the beach itself.

It was then I remembered Alice mentioning that the hurricane damage from two Septembers ago had been extensive. I parked the car at the southernmost end of the lot and climbed out, looking around me in bewilderment.

Gone was the large sand dune which used to obscure the view of the ocean from the parking lot. Also missing was the large wooden building which used to house showers and changing rooms. Now, if beachgoers needed those facilities, they would have to use one of the many new portable structures set up along the back end of the lot.

The entire landscape had changed, to the point that it barely resembled the place I'd remembered from my childhood.

Before I could will them away, tears pooled in my eyes. This was the one place where I thought I would still find that part of me which once upon a time had been happy, a part still undamaged by the events of the past few years.

I was wrong.

There really was no going back.

My heart was heavy as I made my way towards the water's edge. I chose a spot where the sand was still dry and sat down, drawing my knees to my chest as I stared off towards the horizon. Thankfully, this end of the beach wasn't very crowded, so there weren't many to witness my tears.

It was silly that something so insignificant could affect me so deeply. But as I sat there quietly sobbing, I came to realize that I wasn't crying over the loss of a couple of landmarks on a beach. At long last, I was allowing myself to grieve for the loss of the child that I once was. The little girl who came here year after year, her mind racing with new possibilities and her heart filled with hope for the future.

Never once had that younger version of me considered the possibility that Edward would not be included in that future.

So I grieved.

I grieved for the life that once was; for the life that could have been…

Something inside of me was shifting, and even though I knew I'd love him for the rest of my life, I wondered whether I was finally ready to let Edward go.

_***P*S***_

I could hear Alice's squeals of delight the moment I pulled into the driveway. "Bella!" I looked over to see Alice, Grace and Esme running across the yard to greet me.

I'd spent over an hour on the beach, contemplating what I could have done differently in my relationship with Edward; ultimately accepting that I simply wasn't what he needed at the time in order to take that first step toward recovery.

Sure, I could have humiliated myself further, admitting that I loved him so deeply that I'd even be willing to share him with Amber...

_No_

It simply wasn't true for, as much as I loved Edward, I still had my self-respect. Deep down I knew that the pain I'd been experiencing from the loss of him paled in comparison to what I'd be dealing with if he had remained in my life.

The anger and bitterness about what he'd done with  _her_ would have eaten me alive.

Accepting that fact had helped slow the tears; and once I'd pulled myself together, I made use of one of the portable restrooms to wash and dry my face. When I finished, I doubted that even Alice would suspect that I'd been crying.

The last time I'd seen the Cullens was a year earlier, when they stopped by to visit on their way to Chincoteague; a habit they'd gotten into since Grace's birth.

Needless to say, Edward was never with them.

I tried not to glance toward the house, concentrating instead on the laughing little girl bounding toward me.

_My how she'd grown._

Before she was even born, I knew Grace would be beautiful.

Now, at almost four years old, she was absolutely lovely with her brown hair that fell in waves past her shoulders, and her eyes, the same brilliant green that both Edward and Daniel had inherited from their mother; a beautiful, painful reminder of those I'd lost.

"Yay!" Grace shouted and clapped her hands after everyone had hugged me hello. "Mommy," she turned to face Esme, "we go see the ponies now?"

Esme laughed. "Yes, baby." She answered before turning to me. "This child has a memory like an elephant," she laughed. "I promised her early this morning that we'd go to see the ponies after you arrived."

I couldn't help but smile at Grace who stood beside her mother, beaming.

"Bella, honey," Esme continued, "why don't you unpack and whenever you're ready we can go get something to eat," she looked down at Grace, "and  _then_ we'll visit the ponies."

I nodded, "Sounds like a plan."

I hoisted the cooler into my arms while Alice grabbed my bag and followed me into the cottage.

We moved in silence to the kitchen where I began to place the perishables into the fridge. Alice fidgeted as she watched me. "Okay, Alice. I know you're about to burst, so I'll ask. Where's  _Jasper?_ " I spoke his name in a breathy tone as I fluttered my eyelashes dramatically.

"Ass," Alice laughed as she gave me a light swat on the arm. "He's on the back deck with Dad, drinking beer and smoking cheap cigars. Ugh. He'll be lucky if I allow him to kiss me after _that._ "

I laughed; my heart already lighter after spending five minutes with Alice.

She helped me unpack, and once I'd washed up and changed clothes, we exited through the back door, and crossed the short distance to the Cullens' deck

I forced my gaze up and took in the house before me. Nothing about it had changed in three years, apart from the fact that a new coat of paint had been applied. I barely glanced at the two men seated on the deck before my eyes were drawn to the bedroom window directly above them.

_Edward's_ bedroom window.

_Deep breath._

"Bella!" Carlisle exclaimed before bounding down the steps to greet me with a hug. "Good to see you, honey."

After the hug, Alice cleared her throat and touched her hand to my upper arm. "Bella, I'd like you to meet Jasper."

I returned Jasper's smile and took his offered hand. "Bella, we finally meet. I've heard a lot of good things about you."

I glanced at Alice, wondering exactly how much she'd confided to Jasper about my past with her brother.

_Of course she's told him. Why wouldn't she?_

_What happened between Edward I wasn't a secret after all…_

"Likewise, Jasper," I smiled as I shook his hand.

_***P*S***_

I supposed the old saying "opposites attract" was true because Jasper was Alice's opposite in many ways, but it was clear that they adored one another.

I was happy for my friend, but had to admit that I found it a bit awkward to be around them for any length of time. Their hand-holding and sweet kisses, especially while we were at the beach, brought back too many painful memories.

_***P*S***_

The night before I was due to return to Richmond, Alice decided that we needed a 'girls' night'. She showed up at my cottage door, pillow and overnight bag in hand.

"You are too funny," I told her as she brushed past me in a rush to get inside.

"Quick, let me in. I had to sneak out because if Grace gets an inkling of where I've gone, she will be over here in a flash."

I laughed at her panicked state.

" _And_ we wouldn't get rid of her until morning." Alice sighed and smiled indulgently. "I find it difficult to tell her 'no'."

I understood exactly what she meant. Grace was a truly endearing child, so full of life and wonder. After the loss of Daniel, she had been exactly what the Cullens' needed to help heal their broken hearts.

Even with all the attention she received, Grace wasn't spoiled; not in the least. She was sweet, kind, and unselfish which made it difficult to refuse her anything.

We spent that evening camped out in the living room.

At Alice's insistence, we painted our toenails, ate junk food, and watched chick flicks. She claimed this was the usual routine at a sleepover. Having never been to one, I took her word for it.

She also talked me into sharing a bottle of chilled champagne. "Don't laugh, but this was the best the Food Mart had to offer. Let's hope it doesn't taste like Alka-Seltzer."

The champagne was tolerable, and we both drank without complaint. After the second glass it didn't matter anyway, as the alcohol began to have an effect.

I stifled a giggle as Alice relayed how she'd tried to sneak into Jasper's room the night before. "Oh my God, I swear I was as stealthy as a ninja, but my mother has some kind of superpower or something," she grinned before sipping a little more champagne. "When I rounded the corner toward his room, she was just standing there, in the dark, with her arms folded over her chest. Luckily, I didn't scream and wake everyone in the house, but she scared the crap out of me."

Just imagining Esme lying in wait to catch Alice and Jasper had me falling back on the sleeper sofa, my body shaking with laughter.

"It doesn't matter that I'm twenty-one years old, and that Jasper and I spend every weekend together at his apartment." She continued, joining me in laughter as she spoke, "Mom informed us soon after we arrived that we'd be in separate bedrooms, to avoid any  _funny business_." Alice rolled her eyes before downing the rest of her champagne.

"She obviously doesn't trust you," I teased as she refilled our glasses.

"Well, it's your fault," she slurred.

"My fault?"

"Yeah, ever since she found out about you and Edward doing the nasty, she's been really strict…" Alice seemed to catch herself, or maybe it was the pained expression on my face which caused her to gasp and cover her mouth. "Oh, Bella. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up any of that…"

"It's okay." I gently touched her forearm. "It still bothers me  _how_ your parents found out about  _things,_ but I can't run away from the fact that I had a relationship with your brother."

Alice bit her lip as she studied my reaction. "It means a lot to me that we can still be friends, despite everything that's happened. I hope you know that."

I nodded and swallowed past the lump in my throat.

"You're my best friend." I admitted. "You're the only person in the world who I can really talk to."

"You're mine too, Bella." Alice hesitated as she watched me, "But, you used to confide in Cheryl as well. I noticed you haven't mentioned her once this week. Did you guys have a falling out?"

Alice knew me too well.

I hugged a throw pillow to my stomach and proceeded to tell her about Cheryl's odd reaction when I mentioned wanting to visit her. Maybe it was the effects of the champagne, but I found myself wiping away tears while confiding my feelings of rejection to my dearest friend.

"Oh Bella," Alice was crying as well when she hugged me. "I don't know what to say. This doesn't sound like the Cheryl I've met."

"I know…"

"Maybe everything will right itself when you see her at Christmas?"

"Maybe," I shrugged.

_I wasn't going to hold my breath…_

We finished that round of drinks in silence, and as the alcohol helped me relax further, I pushed my worries about Cheryl from my mind.

"Do you think you'll marry Jasper?" I asked, changing the subject.

Alice's hopeful smile lit up her face. "I think so. I mean, I honestly can't see my future without him."

Her words reminded me of a time when I felt the same way about Edward. I may have not known back then what career path I would take after college, or where I would be living, but I was always certain that Edward would be with me.

It seemed that fate had other plans.

Along with those memories, images of Edward invaded my thoughts. They were the same ones I used to dwell on when he wouldn't return my phone calls, but were all but purged from my memory since our breakup.

My heart burned with regret over what could have been, and ached over the fact that I missed him.

I still missed him.

So much.

No matter how many years passed, that would never change.

My traitorous heart, overcome with longing for the boy I still loved, took advantage of my inebriated state, and caused me to blurt out the words I never would have spoken while sober.

"Tell me something," I began.

"Hmm?" Alice blinked slowly, looking as if she wanted nothing more than to lie down and go to sleep.

I cleared my throat and poured more champagne into my glass. The next sip I took was for courage. "How is Edward doing?" I paused. " _What_ is Edward doing?"

Alice's eyes opened wide in surprise while her mouth formed a little 'o'. After a moment, she finally relaxed and spoke. "Are you drunk, Bella?" Her head shook in disbelief. "Or maybe I am, because I thought I just heard you ask about Edward?"

I nodded. "I did."

"Uh…" she continued to study my face. "Bella, I thought that subject was off-limits?"

I took a deep breath and released it. "I suppose I've finally decided that it's time to face my past. I just need to know that he's okay."

Alice had alluded to the fact that Edward had responded well to therapy during the last year or so, before that, things had been unpredictable.

"You're sure?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Well, in answer to your first question, he's doing well. I mentioned before the relapses he's had."

I nodded again.

"After that first stay in the hospital, Mom and Dad seemed to have finally woken up. Edward got some intense therapy. He balked of course and it took over a year before he responded in a positive way." Alice closed her eyes and I watched a lone tear trail down her cheek. "It was a very difficult time. Grace was so small, and my parents were dealing with Edward while at the same time trying their best to shelter her. His behavior was volatile at worst and erratic at best. He wanted little or nothing to do with the baby. During our family sessions, it came out that his guilt over Daniel's death was the underlying reason. He is terrified of getting close to her." She sniffled as I hugged my arms around myself.

"After an ugly relapse and more weeks spent in rehab, he appeared to have finally made the decision to get well. I haven't seen a lot of it firsthand, due to attending school in California, but Mom and Dad seem to be convinced this time." She wiped her eyes. "Anyway, as far as I know, he's been sober for a year now. He moved off-campus and has an apartment. I visited him last week and he explained that it was better for his sobriety to be away from the dorm." She shrugged.

"Is he," I hesitated, angry with myself for asking the question, "Does he live alone?"

Alice bit her lip. "Yeah. He lives alone."

It was obvious that there was more to her answer than Alice was willing to reveal.

"Anyway, he's been taking summer classes to try and play catch up with everything he's missed. I think if it wasn't for that, he probably would have come with us to Chincoteague."

My heart leapt in my chest at the thought, "Even knowing that I'd be here?"

Alice frowned deeply. "I honestly can't say, Bella."

I was abruptly angry with myself for allowing that brief glimmer of hope. Obviously, my heart still wasn't accepting of the fact that Edward and I were over.

We sat in silence for some time before I felt a soft touch on my arm. "Bella," I looked up to find Alice watching me with a kind expression, "If you're not comfortable telling me, I'll understand, but I'd really like to know what happened that summer three years ago?"

I suppose I could blame the alcohol, because I was abruptly overcome with the urge to tell Alice everything. For three years, I'd kept the details to myself, not even sharing the events of that weekend with Cheryl.

Warm, wet tears spilled from my eyes and a sob escaped my lips as I unburdened my soul to my closest friend. Alice wrapped her arms around me the way Mama used to whenever I had a bad dream. She let me cry into her shirt as I told her of those last desperate moments before I walked out of Edward's life for good.

"Oh, Bella." Alice cried with me again. "He really doesn't deserve you, and it has nothing to do with Daniel's death, as he believes." She took a deep breath, "I just… I mean, you've  _got_ to be kidding me.  _Amber? Seriously?_ Just  _ew._  Although, I can't believe that there's anything going on between them anymore. Last I heard she had dropped out of school, gotten married and was living in Harrisburg." She sighed loudly while shaking her head.

All this time I'd been imagining Edward with Amber, my heart felt lighter knowing that she was no longer a factor.

"You know," she continued, "Edward's my brother and I love him, but he can be  _such_  a douchebag."

I couldn't help it; her words caused the tears to subside and be replaced by a fit of giggles. It wasn't long before Alice joined me, and a moment after that, we were both sprawled across the sofa bed, laughing loudly as we wiped away the remnants of our tears.

"I think there's a possibility that we're sloppy, stinking drunk right now," she managed to gasp.

"You may be right," I grinned widely before laughing again.

When the laughter finally ended, we lay there quietly.

Just as I felt the pull of sleep begin to overtake me, Alice spoke again.

"Bella, I really hope you find a nice guy." Her voice was barely a whisper. "You deserve to be happy."

Knowing Alice as I did, her statement held much deeper meaning than the words implied. She may have viewed my not dating as a sign that I was still holding out hope for a future with Edward.

Maybe subconsciously, I had been.

Alice, in her own way, was telling me to move on.

Had Edward? I wasn't masochistic enough to ask.

My chest started to hurt; the pain almost as unbearable as that day three years before when I climbed into my car and drove out of Edward's life for good.

_**-Summer- Edward, Age 22 years** _

I rubbed my eyes after reading Alice's e-mail for the second time. It had been filled with details about the family's latest vacation in Chincoteague. I'd already heard most of it from Mom over the phone; however, she had kept the talk of Bella to a minimum.

Alice resented me for what I'd put Bella through; and she knew that hearing news about her was painful. And yes, Alice loved to twist the knife a little deeper whenever possible.

Can't say I blamed her for the way she felt. I would never forgive myself for the way I'd treated Bella, and there wasn't a day that went by when I didn't wish I could have handled things differently.

That being said, I didn't regret the end result. I was poison to anyone who came in contact with me back then. Even three years later, I still wasn't perfect, but I wasn't striving for perfection.

_Normal_  would be more than okay with me.

Bella had needed to be free of me before I destroyed her, and if breaking her heart was the only way to achieve that, then so be it.

I scanned the e-mail again, rereading just the parts about Bella.

So, she had decided to pursue teaching once she graduated…

The thought of Bella teaching a group of young minds made me smile. I'd always known that she was blessed with infinite patience; it was evident by the way she tolerated my barbaric treatment of her for so long.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this was a perfect career choice for her. Although, I had no doubt that Bella would excel at whatever she chose to do.

The fact that she'd told Alice that her preference was for teaching at the high school level had surprised me though. Bella was never a fan of high school when she was a student, so the fact that she wanted to, in a sense, return there, boggled my mind. But knowing Bella, it was precisely because of the children who were like her, those who felt a little different from the rest, a little isolated and left out, that she would be drawn to help them.

My jealousy spiked as I imagined the hormonal teenage boys on the first day of school when they got a look at the beautiful Miss Swan. My girl was a head turner that was for sure.

_Damnit_

_She's not my girl_

I rubbed my chest as the familiar ache returned. I missed her so damned much. I missed the feel of her skin. I missed the sound of her voice. I missed her laugh.

Alice never mentioned whether Bella had a boyfriend, but I didn't delude myself into thinking that she was still single after all this time.

A lump formed in my throat and I suddenly felt exhausted, drained.

I really needed a drink.

_Fuck_

Staying clean and sober was a daily struggle. The times I thought about Bella, which was often, were the most difficult.

I closed my laptop. The sudden urge to hit up the nearest liquor store had me on my feet and moving across the room to grab my keys before I even realized what I was doing.

Once I held them in my hand, I shook my head in disgust and reflexively hurled them across the room. I heard them land on the floor behind the nightstand with a satisfying thud.

After exiting toward the living room, I sat on the sofa, head in hand as I mentally calculated whether I had enough cash to buy a bottle of Johnnie Walker. I couldn't use my credit card because Mom watched my account like a hawk.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

Out of desperation, I grabbed my phone and dialed Jane's number.

"Hey Eddie. What's doin' witchu?"

Jane never failed to make me smile. She was all of five foot one and maybe weighed in at a hundred pounds, but she loved to give the impression that she was a badass. I'd met her during my last stint in recovery. She'd been battling her own demons for years, and had been in and out of rehab at least four times. We began an awkward friendship, which during the past year, had grown into a mutual dependency.

We'd become one another's lifelines when the temptation to fall off the wagon became too difficult to handle.

"Today is turning out to be a challenge." I spoke through clenched teeth, something which she picked up on immediately.

"Seems that I've got fuck all to do this evening. How about I pick up some Ben & Jerry's and we watch  _Boondock Saints_  on that prime flat screen of yours?"

I closed my eyes and nodded, knowing she couldn't see me. "Sounds good."

"So, two containers of Chocolate Fudge Brownie it is."

"Peach Cobbler for me."

Jane sighed into the phone. "You disgust me." She muttered. "You know how I feel about that Eddie."

I couldn't contain my laughter. Jane thought it a crime to eat any ice cream that didn't contain some form of chocolate, so of course I couldn't resist fucking with her. The banter was enough to distract me from my desire for alcohol.

Thank God that  _blow_ no longer held the allure that it once did. If I messed up, I wanted it to at least be with something that wouldn't send me to prison, and cocaine certainly wasn't it.

Abruptly, I was very thankful that alcohol remained my only addiction.

Well  _that_ , and Bella…

Jane arrived less than thirty minutes later. I polished off my ice cream just as Connor and Murphy were shooting the Fat Man and his henchmen.

Once the movie was over, I knew Jane would want me to spill.

She didn't disappoint.

"So what was your trigger this time?"

I shook my head, the yearning for the booze long gone, but I certainly didn't want to talk about Bella to Jane. That discussion would surely have me going in search of something a lot stronger than Johnnie Walker.

"Just… family shit. Trust me; it's a long boring story."

"A-huh," Jane quirked an eyebrow. "I've got time."

I rubbed a hand over my face. "I got an e-mail from my sister. The family spent some time at our vacation home at the beach and… let's just say I was reminded of some shit I'd much rather forget."

"About your brother?"

I didn't realize until after I'd blurted the answer, that I should have lied, "No."

"Not about your brother?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, it's sort of related. Look, I really don't want to talk about it."

Jane drew in a deep breath, "Old girlfriend?"

_Damn she was intuitive_

The fact was that Jane knew I had an ex, but I'd never shared anything about Bella with her. Not even her name. Maybe I should have, seeing as how Jane had helped save my ass time and time again; however, I'd done the same for her. It wasn't my fault that she had shared every minute detail of her past relationships. I'd never asked her to, but she seemed compelled to let it out.

That just wasn't me.

My memories of Bella were mine and mine alone, and would forever remain that way.

I shrugged in answer, "Sort of. Alice has been keeping me updated and, I don't know, it opened up some old wounds."

"You know, Eddie, you don't say much about this girl, but I'm not stupid. I know you had a bad breakup. What happened? She couldn't take dealing with your addictions and bailed on you?"

I frowned, "No, nothing like that."

Jane eyed me skeptically, "Yeah, sure. Fool yourself if you want Eddie, but I've been dumped by guys who claimed to love me, but it wasn't enough for them to stick around while I went through detox."

I squeezed my eyes shut while shaking my head. "No, it was my fault. All of it."

Jane grew silent for a moment.

I blinked my eyes open; it was hard to tell if she believed me or not, her facial expression gave nothing away. "Look," her tone softened as she placed her hand on my arm. I stared at it. Her touch shouldn't have felt uncomfortable, after all she was a good friend, but it did. I held perfectly still in order not to hurt her feelings by jerking my arm away. "The fact is that, unless she's been there, she'll never understand what you're going through."

She removed her hand and looked away. "You need to tell Doc about this."

I nodded.

Doctor Santos was the first therapist I'd seen whose methods actually seemed to make a difference; although it may have been the fact that I was finally at a place where I was willing to accept help. Jane was a patient of hers as well and told me that she'd seen a lot of doctors over the years and that Doc Santos was the real deal.

Doc was tough. She didn't pull any punches, and we both seemed to respond well to that. I knew she was going to be pissed that I'd kept things from her. Namely that merely hearing news about my ex-girlfriend could cause me to come dangerously close to drowning my sorrows. If that had happened, it wouldn't have taken much for me to give up the fight altogether and hunt down some coke…

_Then where the hell would I be?_

_Fuck_

"Thanks for coming over, Jane." I told her sincerely.

"Hey, you'd do the same for me." She paused, "Correction, you  _have_ done the same for me. Need I remind you of the times I've fucked up and you took care of me?"

Images of Jane hurling into a toilet, helping her from the floor and into her bed, flashed through my mind. Luckily, I hadn't had a relapse since we'd started looking out for each other, and I prayed she'd never have to witness that particular shit storm.

"Fair enough," I agreed, the exhaustion from earlier returning. I stretched my arms over my head. "Hey, if you don't mind, I'm gonna crash." I said, gesturing toward my bedroom door. "Just lock up when you leave."

Jane bit the inside of her cheek as she stared at me. "Uh, about that. Do you mind if I stay here tonight? My roommate brought home another stray." She announced with a roll of her eyes. "Knowing that slut, she'll keep me up all night with the " _Oh, baby, yeah. Let me ride your big, hard…"_

I cut her off with a snort of amusement as I held my hands up, palms out, "Stop, stop! I get it; too much information."

Jane cackled out a laugh as she went to the closet where I kept extra pillows and blankets. She moved towards the sofa to make up her bed as I walked over to the closet, reminded of something I needed to tell her.

"Oh, by the way," I said as I reached the top shelf and pulled out a lacy purple bra before tossing it at her head. "Please don't leave your girly shit behind this time."

"Hey, I was wondering where that was." She held the bra out in front of her as if it was a prize.

"Just so you know, my  _sister_ found that in the sofa cushion when she visited a couple of weeks ago. Now she thinks I've been hooking up with someone."

"Hey! You should have called me. I'd love to meet your sister."

I winced and shook my head; not wanting my friendship with Jane to be something Mom or Alice would try to manage. Next thing you know, they'd be besties, talking on the phone, exchanging birthday gifts…

_Ugh…when did I turn into a woman?_

_As a matter of fact, eating ice cream, watching DVDs while talking about relationship troubles?_

_Jesus…_

"That's not the point," I answered, shaking those thoughts away, "Alice is really nosy,"

_And best friends with the only girl I'll ever love…_

"and once she gets something in her head, she's relentless."

_She'll find out that I met Jane in rehab, and then tell Mom and Dad…_

_I can just imagine trying to explain that shit…_

"Believe me; it's a good thing that she goes to school in California."

Jane shrugged. "Whatever."

"Okay, so goodnight."

"Nite."

As exhausted as I was, sleep was hard to come by. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Bella's face. The memory of the sad broken expression she wore as she walked away had me bolting from my bed.

Normally, I would fight the insomnia by watching a movie, but since Jane was sleeping on my sofa, my options were limited.

Not able to stand the four walls of my bedroom a moment longer, I decided to take a shower. As I let the warm water pour over my shoulders, relaxing the tense muscles there, I was taken back to the night Bella washed Daniel's blood from my body.

I leaned my forehead against the tile and allowed the tears to fall.

She was so good to me.

That night, she was hurting as well, but she had set her own feelings aside in order to take care of me.

And how had I repaid her?

I had broken us.

_Worthless and selfish_

Through therapy, I'd reached the point where I'd almost forgiven myself for Daniel's death, however I hadn't even broached the subject of what I'd done to Bella.

I took in a lungful of warm damp air and rubbed my hands over my face.

No matter what good I did in life from this point on, I knew I'd never be worthy of her love, but maybe, just maybe, I could earn the right to be her friend.

_If she could ever forgive me…_

The possibility gave me hope.

I wanted everything for Bella. I wanted her to be successful and happy. I wanted her to be surrounded by friends and family who loved her.

And I hoped, one day, to be included in their privileged company.

*  
 _You could be happy and I won't know  
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go_

_And all the things that I wished I had not said_   
_Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head_

_Is it too late to remind you how we were_   
_But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur_

_Most of what I remember makes me sure_   
_I should have stopped you from walking out the door_

_You could be happy, I hope you are_   
_You made me happier than I'd been by far_

_Do the things that you always wanted to_   
_Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do_

_More than anything I want to see you, girl_   
_Take a glorious bite out of the whole world…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Recs: "Who Knew" by Pink and "You Could Be Happy" by Snow Patrol
> 
> Jo March is the main character in Little Women. *spoiler* She falls in love with and marries a German professor. : )
> 
> Bella has lost a bit of her southern accent by this point. Blame it on college; happens to the best of us. lol

**Author's Note:**

> The location for this story is a little closer to home for me. Most of the story will take place on Chincoteague Island (Virginia). 
> 
> If you've never been, it's a lovely place. Chincoteague Island is bordered by the mainland on one side and by Assateague Island on the other. Assateague is a wildlife preserve therefore no hotels or houses are permitted to be constructed there. As a result, the beach is beautiful and not marred by the modern world. The drive from Chincoteague Island to Assateague beach is beautiful as well. 
> 
> The famous Wild Pony swim is conducted once a year from Assateague to Chincoteague. 
> 
> For this story, the Swan family lives in Waverly, Virginia; the Cullen family in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.


End file.
